A Peek Into The Secretly Sane One's Life

-post lj 6-Mindless Ramble of Life #3

2006-09-12T22:31:00.000-04:00

//\\

Tuna in a can versus tuna in a shiny metallic package? I always wonder which one is more poisonous, and which one tastes better in a tuna sandwich. It kind of like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop. It impossible to find out because not everyone eats tootsie pops the same. Thus not everyone eats tuna the same. But is it really safe to eat meat stuck in an aluminum can? And is fish meat? Fish should have some other type of name for their carcasses. They live in the ocean and deal with weird temperatures and pollution in their bloodstream. Hmm...I guess normal land animals do too. But fish are different. Thus they should be called like aquareat. "Would you like some Fish Aquareat?" "Fish What?" "Fish Aquareat!" "Sure why not!" Victory! So is Tuna Aquareat better in a poisonous can or bag? Does it matter? No not so much. Who cares! I'm going to go eat some Tuna Aquareat between to pieces of bread now ^_^

Utopian Pigeon

-post lj 5Mindless Ramble on Life #2-

2006-09-10T22:31:00.000-04:00

//\\

So today my eloquently dry teacher speaks of how "Honey, the answers to life are not gonna be in a book somewhere". I was about to raise my hand and contradict her by saying that if you look hard enough into the manga world, the answers to any problem shall be found. Seriously Anything is possible in anime, and you will either learn what to do, or what to avoid at all costs. So Mrs. Rudkin, pardon my digression from the thoughts of hawthorne and the scarlet letter, but you are indeed wrong in a sense. In some manga book out there, is an answer to life. If you search hard enough, all the answers shall be found. I win! Now give me a cookie.(wow not one note on my bum! Darn XD)

Utopian Pigeon

-post lj 4-Random Ramble on Drivers #1

2006-09-07T23:19:00.000-04:00

//\\

Today an amazing midget in a red sports car, affirmed my worst fears. The world just loves to be on me bum. ;) Cheers to this amazing driver with the skill of coming right(basically an inch away) from my car, then trying to swerve around me, when there is a van in front of me(who I have progressivly gotten a bit closer[not tailing!]) and a no pass lane. What a genius! And this was on a 35mph road when I was going 40-45. Forgive me Coppers! So I ended up going a steady 38 and blocking her off for the sake of her not crashing into the hjappy van in front of me. she still stayed on me bum, watching it jiggle, admiring its five body capacity(in the trunk!!), and trying to get her head above the steering wheel to actually see the road. Alas as days go by I wonder what is so wonderful about me bum. Ah, who cares! ^_^

Utopian Pigeon

-post lj 3-Rambles on Cannibals! er...#1(and hopefully only 1)

2006-09-06T10:31:00.000-04:00

//\\

Something that most humans should avoid is cannibals. Frankly, I'm glad they are happy eating themselves and others, but they can keep to themselves. Though I doubt Cannibalism is a big problem in the world, it struck me today that I do not want to meet a hungry cannibal in my lifetime. And its not so much the whole eating me that would be the problem. If cats attack my bum with the intent of who knows what, how will cannibals react when they see the jiggly? Thus, to literally save my ass, I from now on, refuse to meet a cannibal in person! Not that I really ever will, it just is an official declaration that is all in all....pointless! So enjoy yourself, for you never know if that butt roast on those cannibals plates, will be yours. :)

Utopian Pigeon

-lj post 2-

2006-09-05T22:31:00.000-04:00

//\\

How come it is so easy to find the bad things about ourselves? (*my grades,my distractionism,my complacency,my ass XD*) And how come all the skinny or normal people think they are fat, and all the obese folk believe they are skinny.[Contriversial Statement!] Perhaps it is easier to say bad then good because we feel a bit uppity and vain. Either way it is inevitable to think such things. And no matter what happens, my ass shall forever be behind me, getting attacked by cats and small animals, captured by doors, and streching jeans into submission! So as a proud, multi-strange-people, creature, I implore thee reader to enjoy your life and keep complaining. Because what would livejournal be without you!

Utopian Pigeon

I don't Mind The Sun Sometimes

2006-05-11T20:14:00.000-04:00

I don't mind the sun sometimes
Marky got with Sharon
And Sharon got Sharice
She was sharing Sharon's outlook
On the topic of disease
Mikey had a facial scar
And Bobby was a racist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Tommy played piano
Like a kid out in the rain
Then he lost his leg in Dallas
He was dancing with a train
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes

Some will die in hot pursuit
In fiery auto crashes
Some will die in hot pursuit
While sifting through my ashes
Some will fall in love with life
And drink it from a fountain
That is pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes

Another Mikey took a knife
While arguing in traffic
Flipper died a natural death
He caught a nasty virus
Then there was the ever-present
Football player rapist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Polly caught a bullet
But it only hit his leg
Well it should have been a better shot
And got him in the head
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes

Sweet Sixteen Tommorow

-switched lj-

2006-05-05T22:31:00.000-04:00

//\\

I have been an off and on Blogger.com blogger for a long while. About over a year. But I think it's time for a change. So here I am. I expect no one to actually read this so who cares. But so I don't forget my old one was jesteresstink.blogspot.com

-kicks self-
Don't you forget mofo!

Hmm...who likes exams aside from sadistic devils and masochistic idiots. No one right?

Moose Tracks

2006-04-30T19:14:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't posted in awhile and today is no different. I'm just posting so I remember it's today! :)

Happy Thought of the Day-Moose Tracks

No lyrics today..

2006-04-14T23:53:00.001-04:00

Mood-Disconcerted

"I just can't sit any other way than this. If I sit the way other people do, my reasoning ability drops by 40%."-L(DeathNote)
"L Do you know Gods of Death love Apples?"-Light(kira)(DeathNote)

You know what it is 11:55, that is pm. I, unfortunately don't remember if I drank this diet pepsi beside me but I feel caffinated. I don't think this one has caffine in it. Nope thats wrong it has caffine. Well Damn. Did I drink it? Yep I drank it. How silly of me. Least I remember getting it! Gots one of my B-day presents today. It was one of them foam over top-of-the-mattress type things. Very comfy, no complaints on the present scale. Kinda feel a little bad causeI pretty much knew I was gonna get it. And I was tired when I came home from work. So I wasn't as excited as I should be. I do hope mum was not offended. She gets offended when I ask her not to get me anything else. Darn motherly affections. jk no complaints. I was very hyper at the end of work and then I gots a bit saddened to hear no b-day dinner tonight. SometimesI just want to be selfish and say why can't we just fucking have a good time instead of pushing things back. But thats rude and mean and very very selfish and I hate being that way. I should be thankful and I do believe I have a wonderful life. Ah well, gots to go crazy sometime.

New Manga obssesion. Death Note. Holy flying monkies I love this series. It is just kicking! Cept I only have the first one and only 4 are realeased in english so far. Still a very kicking series and I gave them quotes to honor them, instead of the usual lyrics. Either way sushi was ablast on Sunday and I'm currently drawing a funny picture depicting the interesting actions and plots of getting bunnies out of a pet store. I was going to end up hugging them to death. Go figure who else. Still no complaints. Now I have obsessions with Excel Saga, Frutis Basket, DramaCon, FLCL, Death Note, Sokora Refugees, and The Ring(which I have almost all of the series W00t).

Things I Say That Apparently are Annoying People
Okie Dokie
Sorry
Sorry about that
Hi!!!
Splenderiffic
and a bunch more

Now normally I don't care what people say abut me. But two things I'm really sensitive about are being called annoying in the mean way/being called stupid in the mean way and my singing. I really take things to heart when people say things like that. It makes me want to be silent like when I was little. Mum blames it all on Whitney keeping me from playing. I just remember being really into playing at recess. However everytime we had a social gathering of some sort I would go away from the group and stay by myself. Mum always go really mad at me for doing that and would yell and yell. Then I'd start crying and she'd yell at me to stop crying saying I'm not a baby anymore. Wonderful memories eh? Ah well that made me who I am. So I guess that works out right?

I had a dream two nights ago. It was a very interesting dream, like al ucid dream. I felt as though I was actually living in it. I worked at this big company trying to sell things but then I met Vash. For some reason I had to make everyone think I was a guy but Vash, and a few of my friends knew i was a girl. So I get sidetracked from work and my friend is trying to do an article on this guy Vash is searching for. But I go into the mens bathroom and I hide but the Vash comes in and we talk for awhile but I fall asleep in his lap. And I am overwhelmed by this feeling that I'm so young and will die before he does and he is so old. It's like a far away feeling but with our souls connected. Then there is this other chick and I don't feel like typing anymore. I'm getting tired. So Job Shadowing Tammy Bristo was fun got 35 pairs of free underwear. No complaints. Anyhoo night,

Pleasent Dreams-
Courtney

2006-03-25T21:01:00.000-05:00

...come one come three come one

stuck in a hole with a shovel

2006-03-25T20:13:00.000-05:00

Mood-dealing/volatile

"But wherefore art thou Romeo
where have all the brave men gone
Show me one man who know his own heart
To him I shall belong
Kiss the flame
Let's run with the hunted, the untamed
Kiss the flame
Embrace the faceless, the unnamed
Kiss the flame...
Please love let's make no impartial vow"-kiss the flame-jewel

Things have been a little crazy. Well a little more than a little. Such as the fact I'm failing math. And that I realized I can not recall a whole month of anything. Go figure I haven't posted much so now I can't remember. But I've decided against talking to Caroline. She honestly doesn't need to deal with my shit. And I respect that. So from now on stray away from close friends on sensitive subjects. Good thing I don't really have any close friends, side from vic and she has already faded. Sadly. Her gramps died. She wasn't close with him though. "Pastor" Steven's gramps is fading quick. Unfortunatly they are close. He left work early because his gramps condition was falling. Thankfully it puts my issues in perspective. Cause I mean mum may die but she may also not die, which I reckon(hope) there is a higher shot of that happening than her dieing.

I don't like thinking of her dieing. I mean hell I already lost stability and security once this year. Somehow I'm really getting afraid of every three years. Last time this happened was in seventh grade and then there is fourth. Course fourth the was more of a realization that life ain't a fairytale and that my parents hate eachother with a serious vengance. Oh yeah I have 1.5 weeks to bring up my math grade from a 64 to a 70. I'm so screwed. I can't fail though. I would hate myself and probably actually need counseling. Even though mom thinks I need it anyways. I was thinking of talking to Ashley. But I get so nervous when I see a person like that. But I can't speak without the person being there. how annoying. But I can always talk in head to them. I do that to much. I end up crying then and get depressed. Then I'll wake up more tired than before. vv; I wonder if she would talk with me. I don't want to bother her. She probably is busy as a caffine bee.

Damn now I'm depressed. Still I probably should type before I forget. That seems like something I do alot, especially lately. I've dug myself a hole and I want to desperatly get out. if only to make mum happy. I know everytime I get a C she gets depressed and I told her about my F and she looked liek she was going to slit her wrists in the car. And now they told her her surgery is stuck to may 4th, a month later than she was thinking. We have no income coming in. And oh yeah her intestines are coming out of her stomach. So she actually is depressed. And I gotta keep happy and get better grades if only for her. I just wish I wasn't such a disgrace. I'm going to have to work realy hard. Well the good thing is I work wonderfully when I'm depressed!

I just wish I could have someone to talk to, someone who understands whats going on and can give me a rope to climb out of the hole. But as I was calming down last and fading I realized that none of my friends could understand all the shit I've gone through since I was 9. Only thing they could relate to was divorce but did they actually see their parents try to kill eachother multiple times and hide i nthe corner of their room and try to ignore the crashes? Or see their dad with a gun to their mums head? Then the police lights on the walls? Did their single mum almost die multiple times and saw their mum in agony before she had to go into emergency surgery. Then have to figure out a way home from the hospital? Thank god for caroline's mum on that one. I would've had to walk home on silas creek. Now that road is scary. But I don't think any of them could relate except for Mary on the parents fighting. She's faded away though and isn't the same. But none of them could understand. I don't want pity. I just want someone with a good pair of ears and arms. But that they could understand. Oh well there are people worse off. Like mum. I'll just have to keep working and try to get and A's and B's next quarter.

"Let me keep you in this place
You'll be better off this way
I will keep you warm and safe
Youll be better off this way
I will not wake you from your sleep
Leave you wandering counting sheep
No more sad and sunshine days
Trust me dear you're better off this way"-airport song-guster

People make me sad. But I make myself the saddest.

"You'll be selling books at the Airport"

2006-03-24T21:53:00.000-05:00

....come one come two come one

Well this Sucks

2006-03-19T21:17:00.000-05:00

Mood-Depressed-

"You had time to waste,
And I'm not sorry.
Such a basket case.
Hide the cutlery.
I had time to kill,
It's dead and buried.
You've got guts to spill,
But no one trust-worthy."-Time to waste-Alkaline Trio

If my mom dies I will end up living with her friend betty in California. I've talked to her before and she reminds me alot of my mum. I'm glad my mum did that though. She even signed papers n' all saying I have a choice. I always figured I'd end up living with grams up north. Dad couldn't take care of me, he can't even take care of himself. But at least I know there is some unseen face out there who would take care of me. Victoria said once that I could always live with them. I honestly don't believe that. And we've drifted this year. So that doesn't really matter.

I just keep having this feeling that I'm wasting time. I keep thinking mum isn't gonna make through this one. Then I kick myself again for wasting time. I just don't know what Iwould do if mum died. Probably either end up like seventh grade or retreat into myself and keep a smile on my face. Thats what books are for! A whole nother world. She won't die though. Too stubborn. Just normal human tensions. Damn them to freaking Ashkabad.

I fucked up alot at work this weekend. I hope they don't fire me.

Word of the Weekend-Splenderiffic

Smellerific Smells

2006-03-06T20:29:00.000-05:00

I've been having many dreams lately but I keep forgetting to post em down.

"I wake up and I'm in the middle of the hallway in the mount tabor part of The School. That school that I always dream I go to. But it must be summer break because it's empty and really quiet. I wonder why I fell asleep in school and I realize I have no clue what day it is or why I am sitting here. But when I look down I see these handsewn dolls of people who I honestly give a damn about who I go to school with. Then for some reason I switch to Robin and I get really angry. Then the dolls just catch on fire and at first I'm really happy but then I realize what going on and that I don't know what I should do. I pick them up and I catch on fire. The doors open and I hear screams then I wake up."

I was really knockered after that dream. Yay I remembered another dream I had. How lucky ^_^

"I'm talking with my mum and we are somehow layign down in my sisters car. She is telling me about this game people play where they sit in the sun and get really annoyed. Then she started to tell me about my sister and scott and how they were playing that game at night. While she was speaking I saw them in the driveway at night in my head and mum said that scott got really mad becuase he couldn't play it then because it was night. He started beating my sister and I got really hot in the car. Then I woke up to find the sun was right in my eyes and I was really hot. Go figure."

I have been wanting so badly to play soccer the last few weeks, but I know of no one who will simply pass a soccer ball with me and not think I was weird or something. Caroline never seems like the sporty type and Victoria, come on seriously. Taylor I just don't know and Mary would and we would have fun too, but we aren't close anymore. Sadly. I miss her. I miss Misa too. I just wish I could snuggle her like I did when I was a kid and she would start purring. Then we would both fall asleep happy. Damn mood swings.

Who actually has so many plans in their head but no time to do them? Everyone! Least thats my opinion. You need the drive, the time, the money in some cases, and the attention span. Considering most teenagers somehow become extremely stupid during this period in their lives I think we all have issues with the last one. But when it coems to things like homework, tests, and people, you don't have a choice. You must make time. So what is left then? We all need to make time for ourselves. Life smells funny. Oh I just remembered something....

Today in the hall was the most luscious(Sp?) smell I have smelt in a long smelly time. All smells have memories but I was literally about to pass out in a happy coma when I smelt this smellerific smell. It was such a wonderful smell. The whole hall was filled with a warm cinnamon sugar bun smell that just made want to click my heels and scream happy. I'm glad Jack warned me in the hall otherwise I really would've sat there till it dissapated. Course then I would've walked home...and that would really kinda stink. Too many books. Oh crap we got that writing test tommorow. Damn. Cinnamon Buns...oh I want them now. Just to smell them. Course then you end up walking to the buses and you got to stop smeeling things cause everyone smells like sweat, wet, and icky. Some thouhg have really stinky perfume. Poor ducks.

You know what else smells really good. This is the smell that brings happy memories. I literally want to hug people when I smell it. More than usual. Apple Cider Smell. What a Smellderiferous Smell. I feel very content right now like floating on the ceiling content. Wow this whole thing has been a tangent on smells...I knew this would happen. I've been wanting to post in my real blog everyday for the last three weeks but I've had no time. And that brings me to my argument. Even though no one actually reads this, I don't care. I'll read it soemday and remember and then I'll be happy for these are happy reminensces. Just thinking of those happy smells make me want to follow through on my infatuations. Oh well no time, and no more heart to give. ^_^ Mmm...apple cider smell. Now I want to make my infamous Reeses crumble cookies...I miss the stove.

Fire is scary. I don't get these fake pyromaniacs. A true pyro... It's like cutting, you just have this twitch and you need to get rid of it and thats the only way to make you content. But then people say "Oh yea I'm a pyro, I got 50 candles and I set my arms on fire." Bullshit cause you wouldn't be spitting it to the world. What a waste of time. So is cuttign and the rest of self-mutilation. Sucide isn't the way to end, allow your life to run it's course. Ever see saw? Jeez. Drat it I ranted again. But I really am afraid of fires, specially electric fires. Scury...like the people who make faces when you start flipping your words around. I hate it when that happens. Happy thoughts...pixie stix, penguins, crap I need to make up the chem trest tommorow. Isn't life wonderful! For some reason I'm really happy right now....

Mmmm....cinnamon bun coma

The mean little people are such a bore

2006-02-01T23:29:00.000-05:00

Mood-O.o Hyper

"Are you getting somewhere?
Or did you get lost in amesterdam?"-Guster
"Poor yourself another cup another cup another cup
but wait
I can't wait forever
Live your life
your stupid love you stupid love your stupid love is a game
Breaking everybody's heart
Singing Everybody's Song"-Low

I tried out for the play
didn't make callbacks

I got a job
Start training on Sunday
For a cashregister job
Seriously come on
Is it that hard?

Still nervous about it

Is it strange to get depressed or happy for no reason at all?

I have alot of homework I should be doing

I'll get up at 3am and do it

Thats the spirit

I'm dying lydias hair tommorow
Brownish Red

Night

In nobody's eyes but Mine

2006-01-22T01:28:00.000-05:00

Mood-Physically Hyper, Mentally Volatile, Emotionally Tired.

"On the streets, such a sweet face jumping in town
In the staff when the verdict is in
In a car with a girl, promise me she's not your world
Cause Andy, you're a star
In nobody's eyes
In nobody's eyes but mine"
-Andy, You're a Star-The Killers

I am rather tired. I hate mornings where you awake up suddenly and your body works before your mind. Which is why my dear brass alarm clock makes school mornings stick worse than rotten eggs. Oh fuck I still haven't buried Wade. He died on Thursday. Eight year old guinea pig. He was blind and had athritis, but he still was a great pig. I knew he was gonna die. And just like with ashtons death I got him before rigor mortis set it. I don't know it that's a good thing but it's becoming a comforting habit. Tired. Oh well. Least I'm happy I think. I'll blame Excel Saga for that. Finally finished watching it. Along with re-watching Trigun, but I'm saving the last episode(which kicks ass) for a special time. I'll know when it happens. On that note the animazement con is still on with chellie. Now just scrounge up 35 dollars. I really wish she just took it when I had the money. Silly Duck.

Back onto Dear Excel. I realized that we think almost the same way, but now I'm starting to add third person in my head and it's really annoying because I keep using the name Robin. Which I think I'll beg my teachers to use next year. Too many Courtney's that are popular and pretty. Blonde too, but I am still light red,brown,blonde. No one seems to know which color. I'd say brown but in sunlight it looks dark blonde and when It's up my bangs look strawberry red. Who's complaining?

Fun Fun Fun!!! I am finally getting my eyes examined. I can get rid oh my five bloody moth old contacts that give my headaches an extra kick. -wince- Course maybe thats cause I'm on at two am with sore eyes and a weak mental state. Gotta get some energy for that. Otherwise I'll be a zombie during Spirit week. And I'm known for overdoing silly ocassions as this one. Gotta be at full hyperactivity dumb blonde mode. Because people would be freaked out if I actually acted normal and sane. But my annoying high "Hi!"s are really pissing me off. It's only because people shock me. Kind of like when mum yelled and I was out of bed(under 1 second and from under the covers thank you very much) and she was standing at my door. I screamed and she called me a bitch. What a lovely wake up call from a Concentration Camp. (We are reading night for some silly Opera essay) Still it shocked the bangers out of me. Twirrrrly. Sleepy. Runing onto pavement. Sleepy. Twirlly. Falling hit cement. Pain abound. On the ground. Can I have my lifeline now. Sorry just rambling and typing at the same time. I just collapsed into the half-way place again. Which means my bed is calling for me. -whacks the calls- It'll wait till I get down a few things for memory.
Can I be your memory?-whacks-
Okay I saw the plays at school. Governing Alice and 15 reasons not to be in a play. Very funn ythe second one. I helped usher. It was fun. Then I went to the cast party. Which was a blast. Who would've thought theatre games would be so much fun? Either way I wasn't great. But I enjoyed watching people do random things. Very much fun. My pants smell funny. They smell like lavender and old socks. What a peculiar combo. Oh well. Thinking Thinking. Oh I remeber! I had the weirdest dream that the Backstreet boys moved into our house(which was a really nice house in our dream) it was a great dream from what I remeber, but a really weird one. Then on the way out from the play these people were blasting backstreet boys music. It just cracked me up. Don't you just lurve funny things like that. It never kills to bring out embarrassing past things, and in this case it was hilarious! -shoots her annoying fangirl attitude-

Okay thats better. I'm just about knocked. Sooo....
Nightie Night!
~Robin

Tired....personally really tired

2006-01-12T19:15:00.000-05:00

Mood- Tired hell mentally exhausted

"The glove compartment
Is inaccurately named
And every body know it"

"When you look in the mirror
Wish you were somebody else
Just a perfect reflection
You and no one else....your still waiting for someone
Who never ever came"

I'm tired, incredibly tired. I'm tired of having to deal with a dad who can't change his own alibi and can make five minutes last and hour. I'm tired of Whitney and Mum always bickering. I'm tired of having continual money issues. And having a sister who can't even figure it out herself. or a mum who just doesn't get that you have to focus on bills before frivilous spending. I'm tired of Mum being in the hospital. I'm tired of feeling insignificant, pushed aside, used, abused, and forgotten. But thats not true. In fact everyone in the family, both sides, all apparently love and respect me.
Why? The main reason I can think of was I wasn't a school problem child. I followed orders. I didn't interfere. I never complained, even when having to run up and down stairs and the hall as a continous messenger. And everyone shoots the messenger, then apologizes. I'm tired of not fulfilling my potential. Of being lazy. Of being unable to play soccer. I'm tired of my reflexes. The ones where you hit things when provoked or scared. I'm really tired of always trusting people but then they never trust eachother. Main reason I don't have a boy friend. Every time they are always too ugly, too insane, too just not right. It's annoying. But it could be worse. I'm tired of always ending up really hyper round people. I just always seem so stupid. And naive. Arrogant even. Tricky Tricky. I feel like nobody knows me, not even myself. And it's annoying as hell. It's like when I just know deep inside that I should be able to jump so much farther than what I have done, but when I do I get hurt.
I know if I put my head to something I won't stop till distracted. I mean hell I almost died from heat stroke mowing the freaking lawn. I just kept going and going and I almost finished till somebody...who was it... todd? I don't know. Some guy came out and told me to stop mowing and they finished the last part. I think. I don't really remember that day to much.
I'm also tired of my past. Past experiences with people. Say the times my dad was drunk. And he confused the hell out of me. Most I guess were lies. He always confused me. I hate being confused psycholigically(sp?) with a passion of 10 Jupiters. But does Jupiter have passion? Eau du Passione Jupitere? And what is the essecene of wet? Does it smell like rain? What is wet? Just wet by itself? It can't be water. Is there such thing as essence of wet? Can something just be wet and nothing else? Could wet just float in the air. Walk by and see whatever wet looks like floating in the air. Hmmm...interesting idea. I really wonder what wet smells like. Does it smell good? Like summer thunderstorms? Or does is smell like wet dogs? Wet clothes after playing in the snow? Or the rain? Does it smell like hurricanes? If you could capture the essence of wet, would you get wet? But then it wouldn't just be the essence. It would be stuck to you. And it wouldn't be alone. Maybe wet just can't be alone. A state of being. But so is insanity. I know somewhere out there is the Essence of insanity. Everyone wears the essence of insanity. Still the essence of wet. Oh well I'll never know.

Contrary to popular belief I hate lying. Tricking people I enjoy, but lying. I hate it. I don't mind cheating on tests. I don't consider that lying. Because I would confess to cheating if pressured. I rarely tell lies. But I bullshit. Is that a lie? I don't know. But convincing people of things can be interesting. Such as I convinced Caroline I was allergic to lemonade because they use real lemons in the mix and I am allergic to that. But I'm not allergic to lemon pepper. Which uses fake lemons. She believed me. Silly duckie. I told her the truth though. But strait up lying just icks me. In fact I can remeber almost every time I have ever lied since 7. And it haunts me. Like those weird episodes of Trigun. Mmm...trigun. -squeals-

Hey big shockaroo here. Mum is coming home(she went to surgery, lots of shit blahdeblah heart attack tears) Tommorow. I'm like well fuck. Thats good and thats bad. For various reasons. And grams is coming here. Saturday. So much for a peaceful weekend of playign guitar and sleep. I swear I will be driven insane one of these days. Still it'll take off having to take care of all the bills with little to no help from what to pay or actual sensibility. Still report cards will be sent and I was hoping mum would still be in the hospital when those came. Ick. Tricky Tricky. That was the only semi-good thing I could find in the situation. Now I can't find anything. Oh well.

My head hurts and I know people have it worse off. I just gotta keep grinning and bearing it like a semi-human being. Maybe find some aleve. Nah pills are scury. I'ma gonna stay off the buggers. But still I must go clean the house. I'm so lazy. And tired. No excuses Ass up and go! Still many a time I wish I could go to the grey place and sleep.
-Love from the Dearly Done Duckies

Why?

2006-01-07T00:43:00.000-05:00

Mood- Depressed
Aol is going, Pogo is going
Erased all gone, like it never was there at all.
How can someone be gone for a week and the world falls apart?
What will do for 6 weeks?
What will we eat?
When will we pay the bills?
How will we?
Electricity or Heat?
Is she gonan be okay?
Will we have to move?
What's going to happen now?

Why is it always fall weather when something happens?

2006-01-06T11:42:00.000-05:00

"Be Strong

Be Brave

It'll be okay"

But will it?

Don't be shy

2006-01-04T23:12:00.000-05:00

- Come Downstairs and Say Hello

Status-Emotionally Dead...temporary dead fish state.

State of Mind-Apathetic and Volatile

Dorthey moves, to click her ruby shoes, right in tune, with dark side of the Moon. Someone, someone could tell me, where I belong, be calm, be brave.

It'll be okay.

-Come Downstair & Say Hello-Guster

I'm too lazy to type into Blogger, so I shall post here. w00t. So what a crappy start to a New Year. Mum is in the hospital, my grades are floundering B's/C's. At least that's my goal. What a fall from grace. My exams will be the will tester. Plus (rant) I came early to write an essay for a test I missed and it went into first, Baileys period. I figured it was no big deal missing her class and came in late. She went ballistic on me. She yelled and said I was a liar and I had a D and 5 zeros(a high B and 3 zeros bitch) She called Mrs. Coates and yelled at her for allowing me to stay and I told Mrs. Bailey to not get her in trouble for my fault. I had to claw into my arms to control my crying. Everyone said I was in the right for making up english and missing her period. But the entire day was an edge of an emotional breakdown. And I have no one to talk to for fear of questions being asked, upsetting them, or bursting out and having a public emotional breakdown. It's like seventh grade and third grade all fucking over again. Then drama between my mother and sister. Matinui! I swear it's always "Choose a side Courtney and I'll hold it against you for the next 6 years" Well damn them all to eternity. Too bad I love both of them to shreds, Makes things a bit tricky and regretful on words as such.

Tomorrow is another day, lets just hope its better than today.

Voices calling from a yellow road

To Come Downstairs and Say Hello

Don't be Shy, Just Say Hello

Elitism and Death wow

2005-12-30T23:21:00.000-05:00

Wow, I had a lovely convorsation with death about elitism today under thealias of Utopian Pigeon.

http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?page=9&t=11595983#612257126

2005-12-28T21:35:00.000-05:00

I wrote something and it disappeared! Jackasses

Cows dre

2005-12-18T01:14:00.000-05:00

Mood-Tired and Disturbed

"And sit along and wonder
How you are making out
And as for me I wish that I was anywhere
With anyone"-Screaming infidelities-Dashboard confessional

I hate not writing. I forgot the dream I wanted to write down to. And Caroline goes out with Alex now. Well thats a shocker but I'm happy for her. And I keep getting really bad feelings. Specially after last night. I closed my eyes one minute and I got trapped in ice then the next time when we were falling asleep playing truth or truth I closed my eyes for a second and I was walking down this sidewalk in the same place the ice was(same tint). And I see this guy to my right and he is wearing this grey hood. I know him from somewhere, but he was alot different this. Really scary, very powerful. He grabbed me from behind and I started freakinf out. Pure blown terror, but I could still think sensibly. then finally I could open my eyes.

Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit!!!

2005-12-01T21:50:00.000-05:00

Mood-Happy-Tired

Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit!(happy december 1st)

"She is happy with the girl inside
She looks like a teenage anthem
And looks like she could have been happy
In another life
In another life, happy in another life
Ooh, in another life, happy in another life
In another life, happy in another life
Met her at a party and I took her home
She is the saddest girl that I have ever known
She wakes me up in the middle of the night
Just to tell me everything will be alright
Amy smiles at me and tells me everything will be alright
Yeah, Amy smiles at me and tells me everything will be alright
Yeah, I tell myself the same damn thing
Everyday
Everything will be alright
Ooh, everything will be alright
Everything will be alright"Amphetamine-Everclear

I am happy. I looked real pretty today too. For once. I know shocker. The gas station guy said If I wasn't I model I should be. That shocked me but made me happy. It almost was worth the 1 1/2 it took to do my hair.

I'm tired though. First track meet today. I did not think sprinting the 500 was so hard. I am gonna do 300 and 2 mile from now on. Till maybe the end. Cause damn that hurt. Abs I didn't know I had hurt. But it was fun running around band people/ jumping on them. Entertaining to say the least.

I keep having really weird dreams. Like a few nights ago I had this dream where I was in the mall and My friends came down the escalator. We went into a shop where there was this kid and he got mad because we woke him up, but he fell back asleep. In the shop though we found this audio tape so we played it and all the sudden every thing we see is covered in white dust but we know it'll make people old but It'll only mess with us not them. So we run away but end up meeting eachother except I'm not there because I said I wasn't going to mess with the tape anymore. They are right on a hill above a cellar but when they jump down they can't get back out. There is something they have to fix but they don't know how. Then one of the guys goes crazy and destroys the tape and throws it in the fire, and they all melt. But I felt like it was my fault they melted. It was so weird though.

Sorry I'm wiped as a babys butt. Night~
Jillian

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-27T16:11:00.000-05:00

Mood-Lets Play Follow the Leader!!

"Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overhear that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speak with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time."-A Cat's thought's

Why are all the good romances in books? Someday I shall honestly search and see if anything has ever happened to warrent such romances being written and shoot those responsible. Damn False Hopes.

Had the best thanksgiving ever. Ma picked me up early from school(4th period) and took us all to see HP-Goblet of Fire. Which was a pretty ok movie. Could be worse. Then We got KFC and had thanksgiving. I loved it. And it wasn't on T-day. Which makes it better.

The next day I spent thanksgiving with the Reeds. They were so sweet. And made really good food.

(Intermission- My ma is bitchy right now. Apparently there was a belly-dancign thing in girl scouts today and I missed it as she didn't tell me and now shesaccusing me af shit. Now I get to clean the bathroom floor. Love ya too mum!)

It was so sweet of them to let me come with them. Though I felt a bit awkward attending someone elses thanksgiving. But its kinda like that every year anyways.

Glenn won't stop bothering me. Its really annoying. He's anice guy and all but doesn't he have other folks he could talk to besides me? Jeez

Been busy. Sorta. Downloaded almost all of the Fruits Basket episodes. Have yet to watch all but have gotten up to 4 and I watched 23-26. So yay.

Hello Bathroom Floor!
-Jillian

"But I don't feel safe

2005-11-16T20:57:00.000-05:00

Mood-Crash and Burn

""Out Of My Hands"

Out on my window ledge
I don't feel safe
And I stay
Looking down on you

It's out of my hands for now
It's out of my hands for now

I can't just walk away
Be nice to walk away
But I don't feel safe
Get away, all the way up here

Its out of my hands for now
Its out of my hands for now

Oh it is
Down in from here
And down from here
Start to feel insane
Betrayed
Out on my window ledge

Now our finest hour arrives
See the pig dressed in his finest fine
And all that believe stand behind him and smile
As the day lights up with fire

Let me in
Let me in

I start to feel like I'm crazed

Betrayed

Out on my window ledge

Now our finest hour arrives
See the pig dressed in his finest fine
And all the believers stand behind him and smile
Watch the day's lights up with fire

Looking down from here
It's outta my hands for now
Out on my window ledge
It's outta my hands for now
So let me in
Let me in"-out of my hands-dave matthews band

Grams isn't coming down.

It's been while

2005-11-12T23:51:00.000-05:00

Mood-Bedazed/zombified

"I warn you Ha-chan...if you keep challenging our very understanding of life, they will start performing experiments on you!-Excel-Excel Saga

Your..Heart...no move...ment...
My heart? Oh dear again?
You make it sound like its no big deal!!"-Excel/Hyatt convo-Excel Saga.

It has been a busy last two weeks. Halloween was a blast, Mandy sorta came back, We threw Caroline a surprise birthday party, Indoor Track started, Report Cards and more. I'm not gonna write much. Its just really weird. I've been wanting to write in hear but everytime I'm always busy. And other times I just get really lightheaded and well yea...I don't know how to explain it. Its like when you stand up and get dazed with black dots just without the dots and standing. But mainly its at night or in the evening. I don't get like that during school. Oh well I probaly am getting over whatever I had after Halloween.(which is when this whole meh thing started) Live and get over it. I'll try elaborating later. Night!

FUCK YOU AOL...mmmm..hot cocoa...doesn't fix everything

2005-10-24T22:26:00.000-04:00

Mood-Content/Tumulutus(sp?(and now sad and pissed cause my fucking huge post was killed by aol you son of a fucking bitch *kicks computer and cries*)

"The moon is right
The spirits up
We’re here tonight
And that’s enough
Simply having a wonderful christmastime
Simply having a wonderful christmastime

The party’s on
The feelin’s here
That only comes
This time of year

Simply having a wonderful christmastime
Simply having a wonderful christmastime

The choir of children sing their song
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding ohhhh
Ohhhhhhh

Simply having a wonderful christmastime
Simply having a wonderful christmastime

The word is out
About the town
To lift a glass
Ahhh don’t look down

Simply having a wonderful christmastime"Wonderful Christmastime-The Beatles

I love that song. It is officialy my favortie song of all christmas songs. I know I know its not even halloween yet.

Today was full of winter. I heard the first Christmas song on the radio(Have yourself a merry little christmas) I came home to the street smelling like woodfires and then ma surprised me by actually being the people with the fire in the fire place. And I made a damn good cup of hot chocolate(not the cup of the season mind you) It was good during these parts. Especially snuggling with winston by the fire(he finally went to sleep, damn dog ;) ) And its going to be in the thirties tonight...well 39. Its something!! However it smelled like sweet sugary candy in the air outside. Alex couldn't smell it. I did though.

It smelled Like Halloween.

Now don't get me wrong I love halloween. And not just for the free candy. Its because you can dress up as anything and become it. Its like a giant masqurade. For one night you can be anyone. For one night its a totaly different world. But I just haven't had enthusiasm for it since 7th grade. Maybe its cause dad isn't round anymore. Even though he didn't want to come with me that last halloween anyways. Oh well live and learn. You can't undo the past and you can't get a solid answer on the future.

Today also sucked for many reasons. One of them being the fact I typed up about 7 long paragraphs on things covering my day and my life and then AOL fucked up as I was saving and turned off. So I'm pissed and I just retyped what I remember of the first part and I now will type up the part that made laugh or hell the rest of it.

First period...ha...ha.ha...ha....I read my book through the entire thing. F' u Mrs. Bailey. Second(Itypedabunchofstuffherenotgonnabother) Damn electronegitivity questions. Third was okay I guess. I didn't get any of the Solos(as usual..I suck at singing :'| )But thats okay cause no one is coming to the concert anyways. Why bother. I hope I get one at The ~~Christmas~~ Holiday Concert. I mean come on that is so a christmas concert. All the songs are either snow or religious allusions. Bloody Hell(Note to self get away from those wicked british books)

Fourth we had a sub.... I wish we had a real sub..a tuna one...yumm...(mandythingwilltypeinlaterw/e) I read my book through the entire period. Lunch boring(morestuff)Fifth we "learned" about deponent verbs. (Shock! Horror!) I translated bout 3 lines on athens and read the rest of the second book. Sixth we had a sub also...(nowhereisthefunnypartIhavetypedeverythingelsefor)...Hmmm..I suspect foul play. Maybe Mrs. Coates and Mr. Ogburn have been secretly having an affair and decided today to run off together to aruba! I can see it now! Ahh Horror!!! *washes minds eyes with battery acid* However...they probaly went to England since Mrs. Coates obsesses over its existence and lived there. Ohh!!! Maybe They got mugged and now they are desolate and broke. They will have to live off the streets until they make a life for themselves as theives and teachers. Then they will live in a brownstone and have a new life there....nah probaly wouldn't work. I believe they are both married. Either way I shall be suspicious and keep my eye on them!!

Well fuck all the other shit I wrote(*damnaolmublebitchfuckingmumble*)

Sooo
Cherrio~
Jillian

Hot Chocoa

2005-10-21T08:19:00.000-04:00

Mood-Mentally tired

"From that day I noticed
the reason that you became close
was that the tenderness of my body was to your liking
How does this body reflect in those eyes enduring hunger?
If you eat me now, instantly, so that the meat does not become tough.
In your embracing arms, if you come holding tightly, the painful
salt and pepper of the kitchen, the shining dull blade, it's so hateful
More than tomorrow's dreams, this body is suited more for oil.
From that day when I noticed,
that there is no reason for this cursed fate.
No! Really No! Life is precious!
Please! Stop and think! Do you have no love for animals in your heart!?
But now, I'm just right for eating.
But no! Please no pain! No heat!
But cook me to the centre,
Don't just eat me raw!
What are you saying?
But honestly don't! "If you want to escape, escape then"
you say!? You need to add more cabbage.
OW! OW! OW! HOT! HOT! HOT!
There's no medium thick sauce!? NO!!
DON'T EAT ME!
But, you're going to deliciously eat me? GOD NO!
If you eat me now, do it quick, so that the meat does not become tough."-Menchi's Song-Excel Saga

Somedays just go better with Hot Chocolate

You know somedays when you wake up and you really want something. That was today. I woke up and really wanted some hot chocolate. It took me bout 45min to drag my ass outta bed. I also didn't match when I went to school but it was b+g day so who really cares? Would've looked killer for tacky day with that outfit. Its been a good spirit week. I got my pic taken bout 5 times over two days. Real funny. On decade day Lydia looked totally 80's. Her hair was all poofy. It rocked.

Here is a shocker. I, Courtney Armstrong, Skipped the homecoming football game, then illegaly drove around and surprised my ma with a movie chocoalate and ice cream. But everything has a purpose for wanting to do. I got the last white chocolate bar, and the last of the first shipment of(oh yes!) Edy's Peppermint Icecream. The winter is officially coming and there is hope for surviving second quarter. Now all I need to be super happy is eggnog. But that always comes in around d.t.-day.

Lets see... my sisters birthday was yesterday, along with my ma's mouth surgery and a wtw performance. Yea, alot of shit in one day. We kicked ass at WTW then I got a ride to the dentists office and barely got there in time for my ma. I slept while they worked on her(she had an infection that went through her teeth and fused with her jaw or something) So they took out bout five teeth and part of her jaw. Lovely. Her mouth was all swollen up and she is super bitchy. Brilliant. Then apparently the fur is missing from the jacket we gace whitney and I don't know what happened to it so that was hell in hell. Meh...fucking birthdays.

I rented monty python and the holy grail, the longest yard, and Excel Saga. Ma and I watche TLY and that was a blast, then I blew my brain with excel. Yea...its funny but really confusing. I'll stick to trigun and flcl.

I really want some hot chocolate. I had a chance to get it but it was that or the icecream. :| Oh well.

These last two days would have been so much better with hot chocolate.

And I still have gotten Hot Cocoa

No Mrs. Bailey today and I am rejuvenated!!

2005-10-11T17:19:00.000-04:00

Mood-So happy its scary.

"On our way from Stockholm
Started to snow
And you said it was like Christmas
But you were wrong
It wasn't like Christmas at all

By the time we got to Oslo
Snow was gone
And we got lost
The beds were small
But we felt so young
It was just like Christmas
It was just like Christmas"-Just Like Christmas-Low

I have been wanting to write for the last few days. Start off what I remeber of two dreams so I don't forget.

"I was in the mall(the same mall as always, god I have to find that place in real life) and it was the airport part of it. (I think this is an extension of a few dreams) and I forget everything before this but I was with some people and we became small and went into one of theose airport shops. We ran out of it and fell into a pile of posters. This guy with greenish eyes(something isn't right about them) watches over us and I looked over and saw some posters laying on bookcoases. I talk to some people and realize I wasn't going to get out of here for a few years and freaked out. I jumped out of the box and started running but the guy kept trying to set my poster on fire and I knew if the poster was destroyed I would die. I kept running away and I woke up when I looked at the burn holes and heard him say "You are going to have to open it sometime Courtney""

"I am in this airport tunnel sitting by whitney. Scott comes over and stands on the other side looking pissed off and whitney goes down and sits a little farther away from me and scott. I see grams so I stand up and leave em and try to lead her to the door, she seems happy and we talk(can't remember) I lead her to the door and when I step through it I realize she can't pass through. So I turn around and run back to where whitney and scott were and I see her driving away in this green station wagon, but she doesn't look like my grams."

"(Very jumpy) I am with I think Victoria or Caroline and some other guys and we are on this ship. We are in trouble and are running from this queen and here army people. We are jumping from ship to ship and we end up having to go through this really creepy dark square cloud. Once we pass it the people get really amd so we run and hide. Then we end up having to jump from ice to ice where it became really cold. Somehow Victoria and I get away from the group and are hiding as kids. We have to get out of this town where they are holding everyone so we get with a group of kids who are allowed to go out on an educational about ice. When we are out there the peoplestart to attack us and I fall through the ice."

Yea yea long dreams whatever. We went to the fair on saturday. It was fun. We rode the rides n' all. There was one ride I could've rode over and over. I forgot what it was called but it was near the tilt a whirl. Daniel puked on one of the rides. I felt horrible for him. I mean that suckes. At least he aimed. Didn't get any on me thank god. That sucks for him though. Well ya gotta find your limit somehow! But it was awesome. They played Your fit but you know it on that ride. I was so happy. I tried one of theose throwing ball games and didn't win any. But the guy gave me my change twice. That was nice of him. He had greenish brownish reddish snake eyes. They looked strange. He was nice though. Caroline was all over David after most people left. I didn't mind though because she gave me a ride home and I got to watch the people black smith. I love watching that. It just is so, wow. I like thesmell of the wood fire they use too. It was fun.

Today I got to skip the first two periods of school. Last night I kept having emotional breakdowns and I simply couldn't deal with Mrs. Bailey's class so I asked ma if she would let me skip and she was fine with it. And today ended up being the most animated and happy day(mentally) I have had all year. People keep saying I'm on crack though. Silly people. ^_^

Well I got food and I gotta run sooooo...Night Mates!
~Beth

Time flies when you hover in a dream state ^_^

2005-10-07T19:24:00.000-04:00

Mood-Happy Dazed and Tired

"Summer has come and passed,
the innocent can never last.
Wake me up, when September ends.

Ring out the bells again,
Like we did when spring began.
Wake me up, when September ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last"-Wake me up when September Ends

I seriously am getting no time to actually get on here anymore. I'm becoming procrastinatory(it is officially a word now XP Sorta) It just is whenever I am home I am always to tired to clean or anything so I sit and read which thusly tires out my head even more. Ugh. I swear I kept switching through personalities and I confirmed this word that described me most of the day. Very Volatile. By the end of the day I was about to put Cameron into a sleeper strangle hug but I never got close enough so I ended up sticking his arms with my nails till he put it away. btw note to self he was poking people with a fucking paper clip. He didn't dare poke me. I definently would have beat his ass right there and taking a bloody D-1. Ugh that boy is annoying. *strangles mini doll of him*

But really super amazing crazy good news!!! I ran a 5k strait. No stopping. Then I sprinted at the end. Seriously! I got 29 min! Or around there. It had a 29 in it for minutes. Still didn't pr though, hopefully I'll break my record of 28 min. Someday I will. But The course was so pretty. It was at East Rowan(must remeber it, so driving up there and chilling for a day) Right by a lake and it went over two bridges and through woods. It always felt like you were going somewhere. I loved it. So pretty. And I realized the secret of running. After you get through the high, then the pain, your mind goes blank and all that matters is the ground you feel through your shoes, your breathing, and the next step. I think I pissed off Victoria though. Shes beaten me in the last few meets. Then I kinda was super happy from not stopping then beating the chick who started riding my ass at the end. Yay for hidden reserves of energy!

I just woke up from a dream state. Literally. I have no clue what happened. I started reading Eragon and I looked at the clock. It was 4:11. I remeber I looked at it again at 5:13. Next thing I know it say 6:45. I was like what the hell? Where'd all those hours go. I don't really remeber anything except that I was reading. And poof there the hours go. Basterds. But I feel so much happier now.

Oo weird note for today. With the major mood swing/switching of personalities I kept being spoken too and I either sounded normal, high scared pitch, startled, weird, or mostly like I used to sound when I was littler(really soft and clear). I started noticing it around lunch, specially when Ingie asked me a question and I sounded like a weirded scared person till I realized what was going on. Guess it was just one of those far away days where you have no clue where you are but everything is run by changing auto-pilots. Least I didn't kill anyone!

Nothing super interesting for the week side from I went to the fair with Caroline, Sean and her family. That was fun. I got a funnel cake, some kick ass kennel corn and lemonade. They have the best food there. We had this black 7th grader follow us around for part of it. She was sweet. And we met these two dogs and the guy who saved em from katrina. That was fun.

Also wanted to note I have officially been blogging for over a year. Woohoo! I think I have been bloggin here for about a year but the xanga posts started on the 22 of september. So yay! party on blah de blah.

Much love from the duckie queen!
~Beth

Tasting coldness in the air...its coming, its true I swear!

2005-10-01T18:10:00.000-04:00

Mood-Depressed

"I've been watching you from a distance
The distance sees through your disguise
All I want from you is your hurting
I want to heal you
I want to save you from the dark

Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly poison

Why should I care if they hurt you
Somehow it matters more to me
Than if I were hurting myself
Save you (save you)
I'll save you "-give unto me-evanescence

Mum just fell down the stairs. I was rereading tithe and I heard heard start screaming. I freaked out and saw her on the stiars. I tried helping her but ever since I gave her a hug to feel better I feel really depressed. But I think she twisted her knee. Thats not good. She always has had bad knee problems. It was getting better after her shots but then she twisted her ankle and fucked up one of the knees. I just think she is gonna have another emotional breakdown. Its gotta be hard when you are a single mom with one daughter who has fucked up her life and another who is doing ok but isn't taking the intiative. I'm gonna clean her room and the top of the house tonight and hopefully that'll make her happier. But I think she might really sell the house this time. I don't know. If we sell the house we are moving up north. I don't want to live up there. People aren't as nice...and they drive crazy. Plus the rest of the family up there have more baggage than a fucking fleet of airplanes in one day. And they are weirder than me. Just mentaly. God I would hate to have to go to school with my first cousins. Maybe my 3rd ones cause they are pretty awesome.

Whitney has the music on so loud downstairs. Its really annoying. I'm trying to counter it with a few songs up here but I can still hear it and my feet are vibrating. Plus I don't want it so loud up here it gives me a headache. MAn I had a pretty nice day. Daniel never called. Basterd. Oh well. But I spent most of it playing with the dog and digging up weeds from conrete. And sleeping. I've been zombified by school. Seriously I walked down the hall after the bell rang, had no clue where I was going, and realized I was on the right route to my next class. Its funny you can zone off and live in your daydreams and still your body follows its routine. Guess its about that time. Almost through with the first quater sorta kinda a little bit.

Good news however. Winter is on its way. I think Its gonna be a cold one. Not a wet one though. Maybe later on but not early. But hey I've been wrong before. Hopefully I'm wrong now. Its that time of the year. Where everyone gets pissy at me because I'm in a christmas mood. Happens every year. Then I'll go into a halloween mood for about a week. Then I get depressed around thanksgiving. Then its back into winter mood till the post holiday blues! I got it down pact. I just wish the days weren't disappearing in a haze.

Solid colors fading into the distance by the blaze of the blown out fire. Going through the silence while fears and doubts grow higher. Secret faces in hidden places I know they can't be there. Imaginary creatures coming to life, lay hidden in the mirror.

Just figured I'd write what popped in my head. I kept daydreaming off and typing at the same time which really isn't a bright idea. However it is fun to do that with random sounds. I got bored in latin one day and I wrote a bunch of random sounds that pop in my head. First line for example I think goes like this "Pisa pica von nu eh. Pace tia fec matu isha ne." Something like that. ^_^ Yay for boredom.

Ooo!! Funness! Last saturday Lydia, Abby, and I went and saw The Exorcism of Emily Rose. It was an extremly good moive. Just kinda disturbing scary. Not the gross puke everywhere with blood n' shit on the walls type scary. Then we went back to my house and watched Ringu. Which was also a pretty good moive. Doesn't say much for japanese peoples acting skills. maybe cause they have smaller eyes. After eall they say eyes are the portal to the soul. But it was alot of fun. However its kinda wierd my ma bought a tv, a bunch of food and a dvd player. She is strange with her spending habuts. Ever heard of investing ma? oh well live and learn.

My ma just called. I feel alot better now. Her knee is swelling and all but she is ok. Or at least better mentally. She isn't like fuck we are screwed I am going to kill you all now mentality. More like damn this sucks, things have to get better they just have to get better where is the novacaine?

Well damn. What a crappy update. I guess I'll just be writing randomly. Hopefully more often now the WTW practices are over. Our first performance is monday. Totaly pysched. Yay! I hope we get switched ot Jefferson. Here is to a much happier end. Huzaahmnahmnahcachinapiha!

Long Time I know..so kick me..busy busy

2005-09-19T21:24:00.000-04:00

Mood-tired

"Doesn't it bring you down
So many lights and sounds
Call your mom on the telephone
Tell her you're coming home
Tell her there's not a chance
You're ever going to change the world
If you want to be free, take a sip of this tea
Join the red oyster cult
If you drink the whole cup, you will never grow up
You will never grow old
Remember when you were 14
You'd paint every picture so green
Call your mom on the telephone
Tell her your muse is gone
Tell her there's not a chance
You're ever going to change the world
Just a few drops away, you'll never want to change the world
If you want to be free, take a sip of this tea
Join the red oyster cult
If you drink the whole cup, you will never grow up
You will never grow old
Call your mom on the telephone
Tell her you're coming home
Tell her there's not a chance you're ever going to change the world
Just a few drops away
You'll never have to change"-Red Oyster Cult-Guster

I know almost a month not writing. But I've been bussy as hell and I bloody well put in a new hardrive. So mnah. I've been running sorta. Ma insulted me. And I pretty much caught three types of colds at the same time. I was passy outy(is this even a word?) nauseausis(I know I messed up with this word...well damn) and just overall fucked up. Then I couldn't speak for about a week. But finally I can speak and now I think I sing even better. I've been singing in the shower and it echos you know? But I sound less shitty. Course sounding like a mouse on crack for a week probaly sounds worse than anyone really. maybe...who knows?

And here is the big news. We got a puppy. A pure bred dalmation. His name is Jack Winston but whitney got mad at me for calling him jack so I guess just winston. HE is hyper, chews on everything and pees when he gets pissy. I love him. Simple as that. But I have been awake since 4:30. And this is a crappy restart the blog post. Oh well.
Till next time
~Jillian

Dust in the Wind, All we are is dust in the wind

2005-08-28T09:35:00.000-04:00

Mood-Sore and Mixed up

"Courtney A.,
Direct action can be uncomfortable now for you as your future is less clear than usual. You like it best when you know what's around the corner, but now this is just out of the question. You will feel better if you let yourself face the issues head on instead of just pretending that they don't exist."-horoscope

That hurricanes coming, and frankly its kinda ironic. I thought that last bad hurricane was gonna follow the path that this one is doing. Funny huh? Oh well. Totally wiped. Ran Brenners yesterday, ended up being in last place on our team. Damn Victoria started sprinting when she walked more than me and then ended up beating me! I'll beat her at west. Or at least finish. She didn't finish last time. But I guess its good she beat me. I just hate being the last person. Specially when I was doing good. Eitherway I got done in 32 min. Not great but I am proud. Ma came but she didn't see me. Mainly cause I wasn't wearing my top shirt uniform part thingie. I think that made her sad she didn't see me. But we found eachother. After 10 minutes. XP

School Started! Its gonna be another boring interesting year again. Yay. I think. Ugh. Tired. Going off now. will mess with later.
~Jillian

Icky...bad feelings. XP

2005-08-26T18:53:00.000-04:00

Mood-Scared

"Good eye sniper
I'll shoot, you run...
Bye bye beautiful.
Don't bother to write
Confused by your words
And the're calling all cars
Break ? step down...
Break up step down.-Bye Bye Beautiful-Coheed and Cambodia?

I gots a bad feeling on this hurricane thingie. It icks me soemthing bad. I just don't think its gonan be a good one. It doesn't seem to bad now so I guess its kinda silly to get all worked up. I mean it didn't kill florida too bad. But for some reason I just think its gonna keep curving and alot of people are gonna die n' get hurt. That stinks. But it'll probaly not be to bad and turn into a weak little piss ass hurricane. Oh well. Guess we'll see. :-/

Tired though. Gosh school is in full blast. I thought junior year was when the work load kicks you...ohwell.
Night
~Jillian

Sing like you think no one listening...

2005-08-20T01:23:00.000-04:00

Mood-Happyish

"Sing like you think no one's listening
You would kill for this
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
You would, you would

Sing me something soft
Sad and delicate
Or loud and out of key
Sing me anything

We're glad for what we've got
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out
Right in front of us"-Existentialism-Straylight Run

I gotta find cat a b-day present. The party should be a blast. Everyone enimies, friends, weird personalities all coming together and clashing! What fun! But I'm probaly gonna give her my Ring 0-Birthday Manga and maybe a stuffed animal and if I can scrounge enough money together the ring cd. Oh well. We'll see. Now here is the update.

Chicago was amazing. No other words for it. We went to the sears tower, Millenium park(Listened to the three-broadway diva's), oak beach, Shedd aquarium, Field Museum, The Girl Scout Place(tea party!), The Water Tower Place(Tried on a pair of 500$ shoes!! My slutty Dorthy shoes) And did many other things. I loved it. We also went to the zoo. It was amazing. But Thats all I'm gonna write bout it. Many more things to say.

I dyed my hair crayola red. Then medium brown. Ma loved the crayola red and hates the brown. Maybe because I ended up having it with the x-c picture and then on my drivers permit. Yes I finally got it. Three months late but got it none the less. And it says I'm a blonde on it but I have brown hair in the picture. It was a pretty good one. I was shocked.

Lets see..I've been running, chilling with Caroline and Victoria. Hell Caroline and I dyed our hair together cept her's is dark brown. Also Chilling with glenn, studying for the SAT(I'm weird I know) Freaking out slightly on school but totaly excited to be going back. Oh gosh I got my transcript for my drivers permit and I was actually put in honors integrated math 3! I am so happy she believed in me. I swear I'm gonna do good this year. I have too. Gotta get a scolarship if I want to go into the school of communication at Miami. I really wanna go into broadcasting but when we(Glenn, Caroline and I(my idea XD)) do our documentary on mikey defaction I'll see how much I enjoy filming instead. But they also have a course for Movies and Video so we'll see.

And here is a shocker. I finally talked to my dad. Ain't that amazing? We spoke for awhile and he updated me on his life. I miss him. Hope that his life is getting better. Least he has Audry and Rusty and hell 5 grandkids. Course at the rate Scott n' Whitney are going it'll probally be 6 within the next few years. Who knows? But he seemed to be getting on ok. It'sa reasurrence. Wrong grammer there I think. Suddenly I can't wait till seminar english. Yep I am slightly strange, I study for the SAT super early and love the hardest english you can take in my grade. lol

Lets see tommorow ma n' I are gonna go look for a comfy chair at Carolines Ma's Consignment shop she works at. I might get some cute cheap clothing cause apparently jeans are like 3:50 and oh boy jeans are my bloody staple mark. Or maybe its the blank look or perhaps the worn out "Jesus shoes" A guy used to joke and say I stole them off of jesus. Yea right. People can be silly sometimes. Like ma keeps giving me talks about how pretty I am then saying I need to exercise cause I'll gain wait when I have actually lost wait. Basterds. Still above 130 though. But I've gotten down to 131. Then if I eat a meal it goes back up to 135. Oh well. Thats life. Least I'm healthy and hell I even run!

We had this huge like 3 hour event intervention thingy becuase whitney kept stealing money and we were gonna loose the house. God it sucked. It was a bloody emotional upheaval. Really....ugh...no way to say it. But certain things were learned and we ain't moving up north so I'm happy. God I would hate moving up there. Destest it something special. It's just I have Worth the Wait here, My school, Cross-Country, a really good girl scout troop, The Salvation Caroling I put together round christmas, the fair, hell my friends, and the people are different down here. The're nicer and less rappish. I mean we got our "gangs" and wiggers, real gangs are like on the north side and downtown, but its not bad. And people don't act like they are in one round here. It's better. In my perception at least.

Now it has shockingly only been 26 minutes and I beleive I have typed more than I have in a long while. Brilliant eh? But alas I am tires. Found Two good songs though. The Luckiest-Ben Folds Five and Existentialism on Prom Night-Straylight Run (long name amazing results XD) Really like em. The're sweet. Keep singing them randomly. Anyhoo Night!
~Jillian

You would kill for this, just a little bit

2005-08-19T22:51:00.000-04:00

Mood-Tired...meh

Tired!

Courtney Armstrong,
Whatever you thought was already settled comes back with a twist. Someone didn't tell you everything and now it's time for full disclosure. Getting all the hidden feelings out into the open may be upsetting, but everyone will feel better once it's all been expressed.

hmmm

Carol of the Meows

2005-08-12T02:28:00.000-04:00

Mood-Meh

"Meow...Meow"-Carol of the Meows-Guster

Damn I can't believe I haven't written in so long. Cross-country, chillin at peoples houses, dead cats, flooded basements, and family issues. Plus School starting. Woo-hoo!! Don't ya just love life? But frankly I'm still living and need to update on all the things above and Chicago. Busy Busy Busy. And tommorow I have a b-day party. Ugh. Oh well...nighty night.
-Jillian

How do measure a year in life

2005-08-03T23:50:00.000-04:00

Mood-Cheeryish

"525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure,
measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In
inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you
measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of
love.

SOLOIST 1
525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes - how can you measure
the life of a woman or man?

SOLOIST 2
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried. In bridges he burned, or
the way that she died.

COMPANY
It’s time now to sing out, tho the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends. Remember
the love! Remember the love! Remember
the love! Measure in love. Seasons of love! Seasons of love."-Seasons of Love-Rent

Still bummed out about lilly. But I have spent the last two days with Caroline and Victoria, hell part of it with glenn. Caroline and I are thinking of creating a documentary on Minkeys Defacation-A warning. We are writing the script right now. I think It'll be hilarious. Right now I'm kinda wiped and about to make a new blog skin so nighty night
~Jillian

R.I.P. Lilly

2005-08-01T12:06:00.000-04:00

Mood-Numb

"I could tell from the minute I woke up
It was going to be a lonely lonely
lonely lonely day.
Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes
And try to tell myself I can't
go back to bed
It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Even though the sun is shining down on me and I should feel
about as happy as can be
I just got here and I already want to leave
It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day

Everybody knows that something's wrong
But nobody knows what's going on
We all sing the same old song
When you want it all to go away
It's shaping up to be a lonely day

I could tell from the minute I woke up it was going to be a
lonely lonely lonely lonely day."-lonely day-phantom planet

I can't believe it. Once more I come home from a girl scout trip and a day later a cat dies. Lilly is dead. She got Meningitis. And we had to put her to sleep. We buried her underneath the purple flower tree. I just can't believe she really is gone. I know it, I've cried, and I realize it but I'm just gonna miss her throwing herslef at my door then jumping around my room just to settle herself by looking out my window. I remember whitney would be coming up and Lilly would stare at her with those big blue eyes. Before she died though her eyes turned yellow. Her pretty blue eyes. She started having jaundice. I knew last night she was gonna die. I did a spread. First time in a long while. And what do ya know, everything happened like it said. Possibility of rash decisions(we almost took her home but that would've been stupid) a large feminine influence(mom and whitney) destruction and confusion(She was dying and we still arn't positive what type of meningits she had) and understanding(how people saw me)then a sudden end or abrupt change for the worse(Lilly died in under 5 seconds) Crazy huh?

I'm gonna miss her so much. Now we only have Meeko. Its crazy to think that. We have one cat now. Only one. Wow. I just wish Lilly was a healthy cat. She was so pretty, so sweet, so silly. And now shes gone. I sang lonely day to her, and told her everyone who would miss her and love her. Her neck was so stiff and when it went limp I just knew she was about to leave. At least she was only in pain for a few days. But now we gotta pay 790 dollars and ma is pissed.Whitney has to pay her back. God why does money always have to be a factor. I miss her so much.

Ma brought home all this stuff she stole from the hospital and we never even brought Lilly home. She yelled at us on the phone. And whitney kept talking to dad. Her tounger kept sticking out. It looked like she was in so much pain. I wish they could all go in their sleep. Or with their family near-by. At least she lived a happy life. I put her toy mouse with her, and we got her a box. Kinda like what we did for pookie. Cocoa ran away, Pookie died, Flit died, Misa was thrown out, now Lilly is gone. I'll always love her. She had a special place in my heart. She reminded me of Misa. I miss Misa so much too. God I hate being so depressing.

I'll say stuff on Chicago once I'm not depressed.

~Till Forever
Jillian

I'm off to see the wizard!

2005-07-24T22:51:00.000-04:00

Mood-Tired

"Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
Save it for rainy day"

I'm leaving for chicago tommorow, fun fun! But here is a rant. I found the present my sis got for me for my birthday in her room. I have been looking for this for awhile. Go figure she would have it. And alogn side that was a skirt that ma gave me for doing well in school that ALSO had been missing for a few days. I mean damn she could've asked me at the least. Rarr..

But today overall was a good one. I spent most of it with todd. We went to wal-mart and chased chad(best time I've ever had in a car!) We also played on the computer and did a bunch of shit. Frankly I'm incrediably tired. I just talked to glenn. I think he's mad at me. Lately I just can't tell with people. Oh well. Fuck it. Fuck 'em, but give a damn how they are all the same. Anyways what I need to say when I get back.

-Surprise Party for Cat
-DDR
-Airport(still need to do that!)
-Mowing and weeding
-The rest of today
-The shelf

I'm offically wiped so nighty night!
~Jillian

The 130th post!

2005-07-23T17:29:00.000-04:00

Mood-Happy!

I figure since this is my 130th post I'll do something special. Get bored and post quizzies! Fun Fun.

You're a Winter. You very much enjoy your time
alone but do like other people's company
sometimes. You just need your space. You have a
few priviledged friends who saw past your
colder exterior to find the true you. You can
have pretty bad mood swings (though you hate to
admit it) so you could be soft one second then
storming around the next! But over all, you're
a very pleasant person once people take the
time to get to know you. You're a good friend
for in-depth talks. You're very talanted when
it comes to creative things.

What season are you? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Munchies

20 days later...totaly different state of mind

2005-07-22T23:33:00.000-04:00

Mood-Depressed Summer Funk(I hate this part of the summer)

"Let's go down now
into the darkness
of your thoughts
hurry up now
we're waiting for
us to fall
I fall to pieces now (I fall to pieces now)
a broken mirror (I fall to pieces)
in your life

The silence in black and white
falling forward as she walks toward the light

I Know
I'm outside of your window with my radio

I sleep with one eye open so I can
see you breathing (I sleep with one eye open)
I follow your chest bone
Until I, (so I can see you breathing)
I can see you, I can hear you breathe in exhale

The silence in black and white

I know
I'm outside of your window with my radio

I Know

I'm outside of your window
with my radio (i can see you breathing)

I'm outside of your window with my radio
you are the only station
you play the song I know
you are the song I know"-Niki FM-Hawthorne heights

I know 20 days later. I'm already back from grams. I had fun up there though. Drove round with gramps alot, played card games with grams, went to the movies with taylor, hung out with Dana. Overall it was a great trip. I miss grams though. It's just, when I was up there I knew someone was always in the house. And it was comforting. But then I get back home..and I'm back here all alone. As usual. I know I should be used to it and I was for so long but now after 2 weeks of being in a house where someone was always there...I guess it just makes me sad.

I hate it when I get like this. Cause I can't rouse myself to do anything. Like when I clean I usually just go numb and relax. Or I focus alot. Kinda like when I give back massages. Its an out of body thing I guess. Like your paying attention but you are observing everything from a distance. That sorta thing. Same thing happens when I run, At first you keep thinking of all your problems but after the first mile or two your mind goes blissfully blank. Something that is so hard to do usually.

Oh well enough moping might as update my life here. Currently shredding through books like wildfire and listening to the same songs over and over, including the mentos commercial and this song called One Angry Dwarf and 200 solemn faces. I'm back with gaia, not too much with spirix. I'll get back in there evetually. I just need to roleplay now. That also calms me down. I think if stick to calming things I will thusly become less violent. Maybe I'll start meditating again. That helped for awhile till...well damn. Ain't that a bitch. You know what I can't believe I didn't realize this before. Ever since my ma and dad really were getting violent, I frankly have been extremly more violent. Ain't that a bitch. I'd make a damn good psychologist. I can spot the problem once I examin the situation and see all the tributaries that flow into the fucking river.

Guess what I decided to do last night? I weeded the garden! Woo hoo! From 10-11:30 I was outside weeding. Then you know what I realized? It was a full moon! Ain't that a hoot. That explains the other light. I swear the konzcals probaly think I'm crazy. At least they put their light on for a bit. That helped. I couldn't see the garden too well. I just felt the plants and knew what was what. Skill baby, Skill. I just need to mow it all up at like 6am cause it gets too damn hot and then I can't breathe. Thats the worst thing. Whitney tells me its probaly all mental. Though I know moms smoking probaly contributed to it a little bit I think it probaly it mostly mental. So I ignore it. But when I get out like there and my throat starts closing, I swear. It sucks. Remids me of flash backs to soccer. Reall hot and humid day. I couldn't breathe, the chick I was gaurding thought I was dying or something but thankfully the coaches noticed me signalling to get out and got me out of there as soo nas possible. God that was embarassing.

Here is a list of things I will never let anyone see me do again
-Cry
-Lose Control
-Truely know whats going on in my head(Victoria and Caroline as an exception)
-See me weak
-Or scared

Things I shall never tell anyone about accidently again
-Someones secrets(The ones that slipped won't be spoken of ever, due to mauling on the other person, which hurts to them)
-My beliefs in certain areas
-Family secrets(excluding vic possibly)
-Anything else I would kill myself if the school knew about
-Anything that could be turned agaisnt me
-Anything tha could hurt anybody(including people I hate)

I don't care about embaressing myself really. Thats a normal thing when it coems to school. Laugh it off/smile sillyly(is that a word? hmm...) or Act like it was nothing and that your are superior. The last one should only be round people who are either bitches, possible muggers, or enemies. Frankly I don't know of any enemies I have, which could be a good thing or maybe a really bad thing. Who knows? Oh well.

I slept over at vics a few days ago. When I'm with her I just feel normal. Its funny, I just can tell what shes thinking before she says it. Reminds of why I love school, side from the interesting facts you learn, its the people. The people who remind you that the world is crazy but your the sane one, and that everything will be alright in the end when you all bloody well know it won't be. Knowing ignorance. The key to sanity and maybe hapiness if you keep a perky mind all day long. Its hard, but not impossible. Course a breaking point will be reached then you go psycho and curse everyones face and their dogs too. The wonderful catch-22 of life!

I'm surprised I wrote so much. Or so little. Hell I got a lot of more stuff to say. Such as my grams gave me a jewelry box from italy that locks and some jewelry along with clothes and runnign shoes. Damn she spoils me too much sometimes. Auntie barbra gave me a pewter fairy that looks like me, cept it has purple wings. Also a brass alarm clock. You know the ones with two bells that ring at the alarm number? Yep it really wakes me out of a dream like a gun shot to the head.

Gramps. Damn. He go me like 12 books, he paid for my trip to chicago(which I am totaly indebted to him for, even though he did out of love I think)and he got me this little pewter dragon with tiny little red eyes holding a tiny glass ball in an egg. But I had so much fun with him. I even cleaned out his car. Completly. Course it was a mess three days later but still. I also cleaned the downstairs for him. I sorta cleaned the upstairs for grams. Attempted mowing the lawn but broke the lawnmower. The story of my life with mowers. Hell I even broke our new one on the first day, but nobody knows bout that. All fixed...sorta. Damn lawnmowers. Yet it's so fun to mow the lawn! Its like running. In some wierd way. I love gramps. I'll miss him. Hopefully he'll come down with grams. Someone needs to keep him on track when he goes up to virginia :)

Well figured I'd end it with a quiz-

You're like me! The intelligent loner. You're shy
at times but friendly, and you are never weak
and always independent. You are incredibly
intelligent (wise beyond your years) and have a
talent for many things (sports, music, art).
You have a kind and warm personality and enjoy
the simple things. Like hanging out with
friends and watching movies at home. But you're
sometimes quiet nature makes you a bit of an
outcast and a mystery to people. No matter how
pretty you are or smart or athletic, you just
can't seem to break into the crowd and be
noticed. Don't worry, try to be more outgoing
and speak out when you have more to say. Don't
hide behind your books and sports and computer,
get out there and get noticed. You also have
deep desires in life and feel vunerable and
alone at times. Don't feel sad either, What
helps me to express feelings and dreams that I
can't say to people, is through my writting.
Maybe you should try.

What kind of girl are you? (with pix!)
brought to you by Quizilla

And a creepily true horoscope that describes my day perfectly.

Taurus
Courtney Armstrong,
You are feeling a bit of discomfort now, as both the Sun and Moon tensely square your sign. Fear of loss can get in the way of your summer fun. Even if there's no immediate gratification in sight, don't be afraid to acknowledge your own desires.

Damn when they get it right they get it right.
Well I'm off again, Chicago on monday and vic leaves for the beach tommorow. Ooo must remember the airport fiasco. Anyhoo nighty nighty!
Hopefully responsive before 20 days,
Jillian

Welcome to Wonderful Cold(yeah right) Connecticut!

2005-07-02T21:59:00.000-04:00

Mood-Happy

"And you found everything you need
to make a life complete.
Completely revolting.
and they have safety and relief
to say hello the street(???)
I see you alive every day(???).

You had time to waste.
But I'm not sorry.
Such a basket case.
I've blacken buried(???).
I had time to kill.
It's dead and buried.
You've got guts to spill,
But no one trust-worthy.

These creatures are waking up in these dark trees.
Awaiting like vultures.
And eyes rolled back turned white in time to feed
A salivating hunger...
for you, and everything they need
to make a death complete...
completely unnatural.
They salvaged the lives
behind those dead eyes
and watched you while you sleep every night and...

You had time to waste."-Time to Waste-Alkaline Trio

I'm up in Connecticut. I would get on gaia and spirix but I just don't really wanna mess with em. The Hard Drive instalation was a sucess. I installed a hard drive! Woo Hoo!! My Grams looks so shrunken. Everyone else looks bout the same but Grams just look so much older. It feels like this is gonna be the last trip I'll make here with her, relativly normal. I worry about her so much. She keeps saying shes in pain. I was listening to her talk to Uncle Eddie and she was even saying she wouldn't mind dieing because the pain would be over. Darn pain.

People are setting off fireworks. I spent the day reading, cleaning, and hangin out with grandma. I ran early trhis morning. Got 2.5 miles! Better than the two I'd normaly do. But Gramps got pissy cause I took a shower and he wanted me to come with him to Massachutes for lottery tickets. But man it was so nice this morning! Yesterday it was so humid. Almost as bad as down south. Almost. But whats bad is grams has no AC. She has fans. They work pretty well though. But it's always humid. and a little hotter inside than out. I wonder why its always warm inside during the winter up here. Hmmm...a conundrum.

Ma misses me. I miss her too n'all. But we've been communicatring. Multiple e-mails a day type thing. She got the dominos badge for pogo. Yay. I'm shocked but she isn't working this morning so it was kinda thrown on her.

The flights were good. I spent two hours drifting around the Phil. Airport. Then a 40 min layover. There was this Muslim guy who sat beside me. He kept chatting it up but thankfully he went to sleep. I had two good seats, window seats. I'm happy. I saw the sunrise above the clouds. It was gorgous. The sun was orange. There were some nasty storm fronts but we were above them. Those Clouds(cumulo nimbus(sp?)) looked right outta Dr. Suess books.

Kicked the pants off of Grams playing cards today. She just gave up eventually. It was hilarious. We went over to Uncle Eddies, and Auntie Sues today. I put her in a wheel chair and she almost fell out cause we kept getting caught in ruts. Eventually we went around and just went in the road. It was funny. Went swimming and she talked to them. Then Auntie Cindy and Chris came over. I wonder if Chris is umm with Cindy. I don't know. I thought Cindy was strait. Who knows. Anyhoo I'm wiped and hitting the couch. Nighty Night.
~Jillian

Gone for a bit

2005-06-28T19:16:00.000-04:00

Mood-Happy

(JUST INSTALLED A NEW HARDDRIVE AND LEAVING TO CONNECTICUT!!! NO POSTS FOR A WHILE)

Heres a good song anyways. Or part of it.

"Hey, I'm happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless but not for long
(That's right)
The future is coming on
It's coming on, it's coming on, it's coming on, it's coming on

The essence, the basics without it you make it
Allow me to make this child like IN nature
Rhythm you have it or you don't
That's a fallacy, I'm in them
Every sprout and tree, every child of peace
Every cloud and sea, you see with your eyes
You see destruction and demise
(That's right)
Corruption in the skies
From this fucking enterprise that i'm suked into your lies
THROUGH Russell NOT HIS muscles
BUT percussion he provides"-Clint Eastwood-Gorillaz

Quizzeh

2005-06-20T00:42:00.000-04:00

Mood-Still got a head ache

Cool little quiz I found. Check it out!

My angst tastes like...

Lime
Sour yet intriguing, your angst is of the romantic variety. You probably spend a good portion of your time daydreaming about that one person you want, how your first date would be, how you'd love to do certain things, and above all how everlastingly happy you would be together. While there's nothing wrong with this, you know that it's unhealthy to spend too much time dreaming and not enough time in reality, and to build lofty goals and fantasies that no actual person could ever hope to achieve. Try to center yourself and cut back on time spent in your fantasy life; you may find out all that experience creating romantic moments has made you quite the charmer if you would only try! Find your angst's flavor

Happy Fathers Day to those of you who celebrate it!

2005-06-19T17:17:00.000-04:00

Mood-Tired, with a headache...but happy!

"5 a.m., March 16
Jesus on the radio
You took a photograph of me
on your yellow bucket seat
Its too high, its too wide
You're so low you don't know
To get through, to go around
So don't look back
There ain't nothing there to see
Was once like you
Can't say I recognize that face
in that picture that you keep
Its too high, its too wide
You're so low you don't know
To get through, to go around"-Jesus on the Radio(Daddy on the phone)-Guster

Ergh...yea. I haven't posted in a while. I've been working out. Now I can't even touch my toes I'm so sore. XD Thats life. And I am going to do my best to be peaceful. I know thats weird to say but really, I am one violent person. So I've decided to be more peaceful and refuse to get depressed. The depressed bit has been working for the last 5 months. So that works. But we'll see.

I'm still drawing. Nothing great, but I'm proud nonetheless. And my ma got me tickets to go up north. Spending two weeks in Jeans Home for the Crippled, aka my grams house. Kinda scared though. I haven't seem them in so long. I just don't want them to feel insulted or me to feel like a burden. Live and Learn.

Its the last day I'm taking care of Maggie. The weirdest thing happened yesterday though. I came in round five, through the back door. Their front door was wide open and Maggie was sitting on the porch. I would've sworn it was closed, maybe not locked but closed when I left this morning. I searched the house and found no one and nothing touched. So thats safe. Thank goodness.

Oooo!! Good news! We finally went grocery shopping! We have food! Even though I'm limiting myself to only eating at 11 or 3 depending when I get up, 6 or 8(also depending) and then round 12. That way I don't eat to much. Cause if there is food, I'll eat it when I'm hungry. And thats usually the times when I'm hungry.

Made my sis a CD. Spent and hour writing all the songs in orange. I opened the door to the basement to ask if Whitney had a black sharpie and heard her having sex with Scott. And she swore she wouldn't have sex in my boxers! She stole my boxers, the pink ones Caroline gave me for my birthday. I've been looking for them and now she has them and had sex. Ugh! Then I finished coloring the CD after I found an orange sharpie. they were still at it! Ugh!! Jeez, she even said they weren't gonna have sex last night. Liar.

Well I gotta go feed and let maggie out. So nighty night. Plus I think I'm gonna work on the skin a bit.
Night~
Jillian

No Swiming...Smores?

2005-06-14T16:29:00.000-04:00

Mood-Well pretty damn good

"I'm the center of attention and the wall's inside my head
And no one will ever know it if I keep my mouth shut tight
My own little world is what I deserve
Cause I am the only child there is
I'm king of it all, the belle of the ball
I promise I've always been like this
Forever the first, my bubble can't burst
It's almost like only I exist"-Center of Attention-Guster

I couldn't really think of any songs to put up here so good ol' guster it is. Course really I've been listening to what a wonderful world/somewhere over the rainbow for the last few days. My ma n' I went to dougs and finally cooked two of those steaks we've had forever. We only ate one and man it took me an hour to eat half of it. We watched 50 first dates while eating it. That is such a sweet movie!

Whitney said she might take me swimming today but she hasn't and probaly won't. Which sucks majorly. Caroline was supposed to come early and we would go. She already went to the pool and her ma didn't want her spending the day over here so shes gonna spend the night. She's coming round 7. That'll be fun. Maybe whitney can bring me down to lowes and I can get some stuff for smores. I think that'd be fun. Get both of us loaded up with sugar and stay up till 2am. Every adults worst nightmare XD

Not much has happened really. I weeded the garden, have been hooked on apple cider the last few days(just ran out today! NO!!!) Man that stuff makes me gotta go pee like crazy. lol I kinda ditched gaia for a few days and spirix. I've been playign pogo and I finally got that damn 150 speed round pop-fu badge. It took me forever to get them all but I got it last night round 11:10. It's over! It's over! Woo-hoo! *spins around in joy*

Lets see Caroline and I talked. Well she kinda talked and I listened but I threw in my comments and gave her some updates on whats been going on here too. Apparently Alex and her are doing good, and she told me how she went ot his house and he showed her his shiny objects that he collects and then they made out on his bed and she was freaking out cause there was a bed. Then his ma came in and Caroline was like shit. That got fixed up I think. It was nice catching up with her. I've missed screaming peter pan everyday XD

Anyhoo I'm out. Gonna see if I can tweak some skins. I know I never have one for too long now hush.
-Jillian

Something Wicked This Way Comes!

2005-06-12T04:07:00.000-04:00

Mood-Tired, and a little pissy...well very pissy...bloody bitches

"We went down to the May parade, mumbled words under my breath
There is something I've been meaning to do, I am dying to tell you
I've been so damn tired

It went down at the May parade, bitter words under my breath
There is something I've been dyin to do, I was meaning to tell you
I've been so damn sad
Cause I spy something red

You don't know how far you've gone
Or recognize who you've become
How'd you grow to be so hard...sick of playing my part

We went down at the May parade, alcohol under my breath
There is something I've been meaning to do, I am dying to tell you
I've been so damn sad
Cause I spy something red

You don't know how far you've gone
Or recognize who you've become
When'd you grow to be so hard...sick of playing my part"-I Spy-Guster

Today has been relativly a godo day despite me almost ripping a few heads off here and there. Mainly one head. And I don't know why it bugs me. I still like him of course. I just broke up with him because I knew I couldn't make him happy and he needed a chick who would make out with him if he asked. And he would enjoy it I know. I don't want to. It might seem childish or something maybe even bitchy but I am like a permant scared virgin role. It's not from WTW even though my sis thinks so. I've seen what happened when you get peoples feelings into it. And it's not good. My ma tells me its probaly because of dad n' her fighting and seeing them trying to kill eachother n' all. Then she mentioned she probaly will need to get us therapy or something someday so we won't always be fucked up. Like we have the money. She really needs to stop screwing round with the money and devote it just to gas, food, bills, and the mortgage. Hell not even food! We've lived off of ramen and I've lived off rice. Get some cheese if you want different flavor in it but hell its cheap and makes alot. Now I've alreayd gotten away from the main reason I'm pissed.

I told Glenn it was fine and I will put in a good word for him anyways but it just has me seething and torn up inside. He wants to go out with Caroline. At least he asked if I wouldn't get pissy. Thats not as bad as what John did hitting on Caroline then going to another chick. But I'm happy for cat cause they go out now. The're a good couple and I think they'll make eachother happy. I shouldn't be mad cause I'm the one who broke it off and I told him why. Still...it just kinda sucks. But hey! Caroline and I have bout the same personality and we both have some of the same beliefs but the main difference is she'll go out with anyone who shows interest in her. I love her to death but its true. And if Glenn fucks up her relationship right now, or hurts her in anyway I swear I will hurt him so bad he'll regret it for months. I can't say years cause I know he could easily kick my ass and run me down. But I could more likely climb a tree faster than him or knock him out quicker. Course he said he'd never hit a girl but he did hit Emory even though shes just a whiney bitch. Oh well life sucks, just be happy for the cards your dealt and move on.

God of War is pissing me off. I literally brokw the controller then fixed it while playing today I got so mad. I was playing and I got to one part and Glenn was sitting beside and I just said you might wanna move now. He came over today. We went to Cicionies and walked back but then he wanted to walk to Carolines and show up unexpectedly, and you just don't do that. Also she lives kinda far away. But we played halo then he spent most of the time playing with the pigs while I layed on the ground staring at the ceiling till everything blurred and I floated to my happy place. Yea that kinda pissed me off right there. Then the whole God Of War thing. ugh. Fuck it. Fuck it all I'm taking a break from Glenn and God of War for a few days but I might invite Caroline over tommorow to sleepover, cause I haven't seen her yet! And thats just horrible. So many people are shocked when I don't know something about Caroline or when I say I haven't seen her in a few weeks. Even though we are like best friends we haven't known eachother too long. Still I gotta say it was funny when we went into a store and they thought we were sisters. I love her. She is one of my favorite people in this world. And we both have the smae veiws on many things. We are different though. And thats good. Hell out names even start with the same letter XD

Anyhoo its 4:37 now and I'm wiped.
Night~
Jillian

"And I am not ashamed!"

2005-06-11T03:12:00.000-04:00

Mood-At Peace, and maybe a little paranoid

"If you break me down
Selfish desire is all you blame
Cause desperate times
Call for desperate measures
And I am not ashamed
Oh it took me a long time to come to this
And I have chosen my path
I am only for me
All my dreams are so closed
If I open them to you
You can count them all as lies
You can believe me or you can believe the truth
But I could let you in
Put your feelings on the shelf
There?s only room cause it helps myself
Oh I could let you in
But it?s to no avail
I only listen cause it helps myself
Oh it took me a long time to come to this
And I have chosen my path
I am only for me
I took a cane from a blind man
And I?ve tasted the fruit in the garden of Eden
When I walk out of here
I know I?ll stand clear
But the taste in my mouth still remains
Still remains
Oh it took me along time
I am only for me"-Eden-Guster

If I could put a song up here with no words I would because I found it. I haven't heard this song in years, well the real version. But I finally founf it. Seriously I heard it start playign and started crying. This one song can make me feel so happy, and loved, and just a peace with myself. Fragments of Memories. The first time I heard it was about 5 or 4 years ago, probaly a little farther back, but it was early in december, and one of those cold days. I came in and my ma had a netscape christams thing up but I switched it to final fantays and made some hot cocoa. I remeber smelling pine from the candles and listening to tha song. It just waso ne of the best moments in my life. One of the few times, there was little drama, and my parents weren't at eachothers throats. I put up the decorations with my dad. It was...amazing. And I doung it again. I swear soemone needs to shoot me before I start hugging random objects.

But being home alone at night is taking a small toll on my paranoia. I keep hearing things and its freaking me out. The royal bummer here is that I usually play my music so I don't get to scared or freaked out. But I did a full clean of everything on my computer. Wiped off the hard drive and reinstalled everything in about 5hrs. I'm proud though I've done it before in three. The thing is though I couldn't save my music. So I'm left to Guster CD's but whos really complaining. I love eden. It's kinda a mean song but just the sound of it. Here I go getting sappy again. Seriously I could write Hallmark cards for a living.

Still I've started drawing again. And finally! Finally! I have drawn a decent picture of my avater. I think it's cause I changed my hair. Still. And I drew two other pics. And my scanners working now! So yay skipee woo hoo!! I might just post them up here. Maybe ;)

I've come back to gaia again. I joined this really good rp but I think the maker of it abandoned the threas. Which is a royal bummer cause it's a really good thread with great people. But I haven't been on spirix as much so I gotta start being active there again. After all its jsut a baby forum. And there are also real sweeties there.

I think I'm gonna switch my skin again. This one is awesome but It's summer and thats a time for change. We'll see. And I might as well put one of the dreams I had a while back down. (this is one of the crazy ones)

"We're in a war and my friend and I ride horses to a bowling alley so we can infiltrate them. We go inside and the doors lock. Apparently we have to get a lot of tickets to leave. So we keep getting tickets and playing on the machines till we have enough to get out. We go up there and give it to them and they are all happy and about to open a door when they get a call describing us and saying we can't leave. The guards face grows sad and he denises us leaving. I then turn around and run strait out the back door and jump on my horse and head to this crack in the wall which leads to our hideout. Everyone is jsut sleeping or vegeing out and I yell at them saying we have to go help, we gotta fix things but they blow me off and get angry. Then my horse comes in but its a snake now, though I'm not afraid. I start losing hope and then I wake up."

and now it's 4am and I'm out.
Night~
Jillian

Keep Maintaining your Innocence Soldier!

2005-06-08T01:42:00.000-04:00

Mood- Content and Laughing

"We've made houses for hatred
It's time we made a place
Where people's souls may be seen and made safe
Be careful with each other
These fragile flames
For innocence can't be lost
It just needs to be maintained"-Innocence Maintained-Jewel

I'm roleplaying on gaia. It's so much fun. I found a good literate rp. Here is a link http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=8227723&bt=1118288774&start=0

It's a good story line. Kinda like legend of legia(sp?). Something like that. Today's been good. Yesterday I was up till 5:30 am. I just couldn't get to sleep. It was funny. Tommorow I gotta get up earlier though. by and hour or so. I guess its 3:30 tonight.

Well nothing big happened so nighty night~
Jillian

Somewhere Lightning is Striking

2005-06-06T11:55:00.000-04:00

Mood-Happy but in a daze

"I've got this feeling that there's something that I missed
(I could do most anything to you...)
Don't you breathe
Something happened, that I never understood
You can't leave
Every second, dripping off my fingertips
Wage your war
Another soldier, says he's not afraid to die
Well I am scared
In slow motion, the blast is beautiful
Doors slam shut
A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away
Safe and sound"-Somewhere a clock is ticking-snow patrol

Here it is. A real entry. What a shock. The horror the horror. And I got a heck of alot of things to say and rant bout. Yay. XP

Right now Somewhere a clock is ticking just feels like how I feel right now. And I don't know why. I used to hate thunderstorms. Lightning scared the shit outta me and I used to stay up till the lightning died away because I was always afraid the tree in the front would fall and kill me. It played in my head a thousand times. My dad usedto stand at the end of the driveway in thunderstorms, which really seems stupid. I never remember him being wet when he came in though ma would call him an idiot. My grams almost got killed by lightning. She was standing under a tree in the pouring rain when some old lady told her to stand on her porch till the rain subsided. As she turned around on the porch lightning struck the tree and it fell where she was standing.

I look back on all these memories and I realize how much things have changed. I mean I haven't seen my dad in two or three years, the ice storm two years ago took away the tree that I always feared would crush me and my grams, is well old and fragile. What really caught me though was we had a severe thunderstorm tonight, and I actually was planning earlier to run round 12 but decided 10 was better cause ma wouldn't be that worried. The storm hit at 12 and it was real bad. Super heavy rain, lightning half-mile away. But I just opened the window and listened in awe and peace. Then my ma came out and we snuggled and counted how far lightning was away like we used to. Heck Lily even snuggled with us. Then I got to thinking how much different it was. I mean last time it was like Meeco, or Misa, even flit or pookie. Now only Meeco and Lily are left. I miss Misa. She never came back and I think ma killed her, unintentionally, but nonethless. I don't know I guess I got a dose of time passing or something.

While I'm at it might as well say I told Glenn we should just be friends last night and then we talked bout south park for an hour or so. We talked for 2 hrs and it was one of the better ones we've had. Frankly I like him alot more as a friend than as a boyfriend. And for once we left on good terms. What a shock eh? But no regrets here for not being childish and giving him and e-mail or note or something. He even called round 10:30, right after I came in, and we had a nice talk but then he had to leave so I said bye and hopped on here.

Okie dokie party update. I had one, Victoria had one, WTW had one and I slept over at deannas. Pretty good for the first week eh? I expect it to taper off soon since Victoria and Taylor are going to Europe, Rachels got a job, and deanna and cat are still fighting so no quick fun DDR get togethers there. :\ Oh well.

My party was good. Victoria, Rachel and Taylor came. We played Cranium, Watched Goldmember, Cabin Fever(a total waste of fake blood and the 2 dollars we rented it with) All Nighter and Slave to the Metal(both on fuse) Then watched Children of the Corn for the second time we've all been together at a sleepover, Ending it with having random debates I can't even remeber till three. Next morning we woke to Taylors mom calling her cell phone over and over and they all departed still in their pajamas and in a half-awake daze. It was funny but hey more egos for me! jk

Victorias was pretty good and once more involved a video tape that could probaly fuck up the rest of our lives. We seriously need to burn those tapes or something. It was good.

Then we had a WTW recruiting party and mainly it was a bunch of freshman who remind me alot of either psychotics and a few seemed like posers. Mainly I got overly hyper gave a bunch of hugs and back massages and had a blast. But all the people there from last year(which was pretty small since alot of the seniors left) chilled in her music room living couch place. But there were some awesome people such as this chick, Natalie who can play the guitar so good its crazy. And this other chick Tina whos kinda quiet but I can see some good times ahead. There was this little group that was kinda like a freshman version of us. Trust me I can see many fun times on that frontier. ^_^

It was ninty today. I planted rosebushes in the peak heat. Smart right? Meh. I gotta plant the vine tommorow and walk to speas then run with taylor n' rachel then walk back. Yea I'm hoping I won't pass out considering thats walking six miles whole trip. But I wanna see taylor and rachel before we kinda go into our mini-summer worlds. So I guess its worth it. And if I'm lucky I might be able to get my ma to drop me off before work so I just gotta walk the three miles back. Nothing big there I used to do that on a daily basis with Victoria. Fun Fun. We'll see what happens.

Now for my lovely paranoia rant. Cause lately I keep having this feeling someone is in the room and watching me when no ones in the room and everytime I feel that I go into a staring fit or get that feeling I'm watchign from a far away place. I don't like that feeling. But I swear I could just point to the exact spot where I swear whatever it is is standing. Right in the damn middle of my kitchen by the fridge n' sink but some where like a corner of a rectangle. Curse you paranoia possibly brought up by the fact I've been staying up real late and it's a new moon. I always get particulary violent and paranoid that time of the month. Trust me I was freaking out on my run when the lights switched to blue because it made the shadows darker and scary. I knew I should of brought my knife thing that goes into a plastic thingie. I forgot what it was called. But I did remeber the word for the choppy head thing was guilitine(sp?) and what was really was bugging me was the word for when people screw dead people. Oh shit. Damnit!!! I remebered it then forgot it. Son of a bitch. Oh nvm I rembered. Necrophiliac! Yay I remember! Woo hoo!.

Now be happy for a long and real post even though I still need to cover exams, some stuff Glenn n' I did, a few dreams, and spirix. Till then Nighty Night~
Jillian

Sorry

2005-06-05T18:43:00.000-04:00

Mood-Tired

Sorry for not writing in a while. And really I'm not i nthe mood to write right now. I gotta make a decision and I don't know who I'm listening to.
Night~
Jillian

Last monday of school year

2005-05-23T21:52:00.000-04:00

Mood-Headache

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php

exams=meh

RAGRH

2005-05-19T21:18:00.000-04:00

Mood-Happy

"So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas War is over
For weak and for strong If you want it
For rich and the poor ones War is over
The world is so wrong Now
And so Happy Christmas War is over
For black and for white If you want it
For yellow and red ones War is over
Let's stop all the fight Now

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas War is over
And what have we done If you want it
Another year over War is over
And a new one just begun Now
And so Happy Christmas War is over
I hope you have fun If you want it
The near and the dear one War is over
The old and the young Now

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

War is over if you want it
War is over now"-Happy Christmas(war is over)-John Lennon

Notes
Saw a rainbow(full) on my birthday
Exams x.x
Bridged
Meh..
my sis off and away.
more
no
time
sorry

Night~Jillian

Adrian, come out and play

2005-05-15T19:47:00.000-04:00

Mood-Undeciferable

"Adrian came home again last summer
Things just haven't been the same around here
People talk
People stare
Oh, Adrian, come out and play
An unfortunate accident in a canoe
Dr. said, 'I'm sorry not much I can do'
The air was so still
His eyes did not blink
Oh, Adrian, come out and play
Little Mary Epperson liked him
She vowed always to watch after him
Still he did not move
Dr. said it's no use
Oh, Adrian, come out and play
She sat by his side, watched the years fly by
He looked so fragile, he looked so small
She wondered why he was still alive at all
Everyone in town had that 'I'm sorry look'
They talked in a whispered hush, said
'I'd turn the machines off'
But still she sat by his side
Said, 'Life he won't be denied
Oh, Adrian, come out and play
Yellow flowers decorate his bedroom
Sign above his door says 'Welcome Home'
But he just sits and stares
He's awake but he's still not there
Oh, Adrian, come out and play
She sat by his side, watched the years fly by
He looked so fragile, he looked so small
She wondered why he was still alive at all
Little Mary Epperson grew up lovely
She still comes to visit him on Sundays
He's like an unused toy
He's got big hands but the mind of a little boy
Oh, Adrian, come out and play
Adrian came home again last summer
Things just haven't been the same around here"-Adrian-Jewel

I wrote on friday and my comp crashed. Went to a party yesterday got my hair cut and am totaly busy and confused. Sorry for being short.
Night~
Jillain

I know, I know...Happy Birthday

2005-05-12T20:16:00.000-04:00

Mood-Happy

This is a travesty, this is a travesty,
every sentiment has been contrived.
Palatable and so refined. Sugar sweet to appetize.
I had a fit and you had a feeling.

There was a path and to get where its leading
you had to be sharp, you couldnt swerve from side to side.
I was a razor and you were a straight line.

This is a forgery, this is a forgery.
Every single word is plagiarized.
Copied twice and thrice inscribed.
This is a forgery.

And we were looking out, for some shining light,
but it was casket black, so we would search all night."-This is a Forgery-Dashboard Confessional

I hate that I haven't written in so long. 14 days. Thats like two weeks. I mean so much has happened. Its crazy. Todays my b-day. My ma woke me up at 6am and gave me pancakes from biscutville. Was barely awake then. I went back to sleep and woke round 7:30, didn't get up till like 8. I got to class late. We had a test but since most of us failed he is redoing it tommorow. I studied the wrong thing but thankfully I can study the right thing tonight. And everyone chorus sang happy b-day to me. Killer. 3rd, meh. Went overly dramatic with the dummies we had to do cpr on. I named it Jeremy Jackson considering its nose kept coming off. IT was funny but I can do CPR well so need to die, die round me I'll save ya. Hopefully.

I also got a test in History tommorow. WWI. Yay...meh. Math sucked. English was meh. I'm getting pissy at Jesse though. He now expects me to give him back massages. I've been doing this for a week now. I don't care cause I love giving massages. But man give me a break now and then to sleep on my desk and drool. Seventh...I have no clue what happened in seventh. Oh well.

Oh yea! I am in drivers ed! Finally! It sucks that its so freaking late but heyits worht it right? Damn bastards. But theres this chick Ali in there, who I met at my b-day(total hit will explain more) She is awesome. I wish I met her before though. Aparently shes goin to Regan. Royal bumemrino. She taught me how to make a chain of flowers that looks so awesome I'm shocked. I made one during DE, and gave it to ma. What the hell am I gonna do with it? Plus I think ma's like getting cutsie things like that from thier daughers. Bonding? I guess.

Mrs. Mcunniff just called. I couldn't get down there cause of drivers ed. They ate at the Olive Garden. She called and everyone sang happy birthday. that was so sweet of them. ^_^ Ahh!! lol

Lets see our b-day party. It was fun. Only some minor drama which healed over the weekend. I got the cutest shirt, and belt n'all fro glenn. I can defiently see he brought his sister along shopping otherwise I might just have found the perfect guy. lol. Still I bet he had some say. Which would explain the open middle flap part of the shirt. XP But I dressed up like a hippie in it. It looked awesome. And I wore it the whole weekend after he gave it to me. I just wear it and think of him. Yes now I'm making myself puke. Shoot me dammit! lol.

But I went over to his house on sat and he gave me a necklace. I really had no clue what to say. I ended up laughing cause I had no clue what the hell was going on. I think he was sad though. I really like it. Its shney with blue circles. It's gonna be the next necklace. I guess thst works since my bracelet broke today. Go figure something important breaks everytime.

Well I gtg cause my sis is home and that means cake!
Night!
~*Jillian

XP Damn Bitches

2005-04-28T21:45:00.000-04:00

Mood-Happy and Hurried I guess

"I wanna know
All there's to know about you
I want you to know
Nothing about me although...

I'll give you a taste
When you think that you know me
I'll blow you away
So baby, bow down Daisy Duke

You don't know me so well
I think you know that now
I'm unbreakable
There's no need for fragile stickers
You're too young for me
But I can keep a secret
I'm in total control
Of the situation
Bow down Daisy Duke

Sit on my couch
Snuggle with me through the hard night
I don't bite, baby
I'll be good to you in the morning

Don't you say no to me, baby
Big mistake
I'll throw you away
So baby, bow down Daisy Duke

You don't know me so well
I think you know that now
I'm unbreakable
There's no need for fragile stickers
You're too young for me
But I can keep a secret
I'm in total control
Of the situation
Bow down Daisy Duke
Bow down Daisy Duke
Bow down Daisy Duke

I'm much too rough
With the way that I phrase things
I'm sorry for cuffing you
To my bathtub

Bow down Daisy Duke
Bow down Daisy Duke

You don't know me so well
I think you know that now
I'm unbreakable
There's no need for fragile stickers
You're too young for me
But I can keep a secret
I'm in total control
Of the situation
Bow down Daisy Duke
Bow down Daisy Duke
Bow down Daisy Duke"-Daisy Duke-Rooney

"
Well, i met this girl on a
Saturday night, saturday night
Saturday night, saturday night
Saturday night, saturday night

She sat there all alone with that
Shirley temple and a cellular phone
No one to call
No one to ring
Cause no ones home

The bartender knew her number and name
I grabbed my cell phone and gave her a ring
Wrong number
Guess i've gotta do it the hard way

I walked up to her having seen the future and said
I'm sorry sorry for making your life a living hell
I'm sorry sorry for making your life a living hell

That wasn't me
That was alter ego
That wasn't me
That was johnny rockets

She was so confused
From her point of view i would be confused too
I was so rude
What was i thinking?

But, but she dug my hair and new suede shoes so much
She dragged me straight, straight to her room
And i was forgetting what i knew i would do

Two hours later we lay on the bed and i said
I'm sorry sorry for making your life a living hell
I'm sorry sorry for making your life a living hell

That wasn't me
That was alter ego
That wasn't me
That was johnny rockets

I'm sorry, sorry for making your life a living hell
(i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry)
I'm sorry sorry for making your life a living hell
(i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry)

That wasn't me
That was alter ego
That wasn't me
That was johnny rockets

I'm sorry, sorry for making your life
I'm sorry, sorry for making your life
I'm sorry, sorry for making your life a living hell"-Sorry, Sorry-Rooney

Quick notes, pretty busy, gotta record a dream 'fore I forget.

Notes
Sis Bitch Fight
Broke Toe
Forgot Shoes
Glenn
Party info
V. B-day
Spiders(RARGH!!)
Mr. W. Party Bye
Ma
Sis just bitchy
Cleaning
Cleaning
Cat Feces
Cleaning
Dreaming
Alloy Mag.

Okay the Dream, had it this morn.

"I think I was in that grocery store again with glenn and we go back to my house. Well we're in my room and he jumps out the tall window onto a pile of leaves in front of the garage doors. I look out the window, up at the sky and it looks weird but I think it's going to rain. Then I see glenn down there playing in the leaves and I wonder how he survived the fall. Then I jump and I realize it wasn't as high up as I thought. My ma then comes out and yells at us because we hit a plant accidently and it went a little sideways. She yells at us and then whitney comes out and watches with a smirk. Then suddenly my ma suggests Glenn should stay but we have to get his homework. We go to the school(been there before too) and run around looking for his homework then I wake up."

Night!

Meh...[enter random title here]

2005-04-24T18:58:00.000-04:00

Mood-Pre-Occupied?

"This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
I'll tear us apart.
Can I be your enemy?
Losing half a year.
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything.

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
Tearing out my heart.
I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
(I'd be your memory)
Feelings disappear.
Can I be your memory?"-Memory-Sugarcult

All day I've been weirded. Idk. Always gotta have a day or two like that in a month. Feel as jumpy as a new born kitten. Kinda like before its gonna rain though it hasn't all day. I keep asking people though. They all are like maybe but nah. Oh well. I think Glenns mad at me. We got back together I guess. He came over and helped paint. Which kinda sucked. But then we played Age of the Empires and The Sims 2. Then watched New grounds. But he didn't want to talk really today. and our ocnvorsations got quiet. Oh well v.v "It's shaping up to be a lonely day" XD

Should give a quick synopsis of the last week. Well lets see. Nothing really remarkable. That I can call up to memory. I have two dreams to type up but I can only recall one. I did write the second one down and it involved three places I've dreamnt of before. Well here it goes.

"I'm going on a girl scout trip except I got in the wrong car. The car is red and has three black folks in it. I see my empty seat in the other car and the girls laughing bout something. We end up going to a jamacan place and somehowI end up being the second person in a long line. After waiting a while we get let in a fenced place and get food in bvaskets but the girl beside me didn't get much so I gave her my food and go back to this restuarant in which Erica waters yells Courtney gave her thin Mints Away. And I just say wtf why do you care and shes like idk I just wanted to say that. All through this though there is this old jamacan guy watching me. Then I do something else in which I help out some one who couldn't get somwehre and he's still watching me. idk. Craziness"

And soon enough I might outline whatever happened last wek but I got a 3 page essay with my name on it. Eek.

Damn paranoia, sleepiness and confusion. Burn in the depths of a dead ducks bowels.
^_^
Night~
Jilian

A Bad Synposis

2005-04-22T21:19:00.000-04:00

Mood-Melencholy(new words...meh)

"I'm losing you
I'm losing all control
Just let me be
Let me be alone for now
I want to be alone tonight

Once and again we've gone off track
And lost all hope for coming back
It's time to restart again
And try all over again

It's time to work
The work is useless now
Can't you see
Your help is lost to me
I want to be alone tonight"-Losing Control-Rooney

"The colors have built up in my mind
They're bleeding through my heart
And nobody knows that they exist
Look at my bursted veins
Now do you see the red in me
It's a sign for the end

Only the end of the red
Will show you my blue side

I've been given my brush and plate
But where will I paint my life
And will the buyer in the sky
Believe in what I dream
And it's so hard for me to explain
What I will miss
To myself

Only the end of the red
Will show you my blue side"-Blueside-Rooney

"I could tell from the minute I woke up
It was going to be a lonely lonely
lonely lonely day.
Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes
And try to tell myself I can't
go back to bed
It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Even though the sun is shining down on me and I should feel
about as happy as can be
I just got here and I already want to leave
It's gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day

Everybody knows that something's wrong
But nobody knows what's going on
We all sing the same old song
When you want it all to go away
It's shaping up to be a lonely day

I could tell from the minute I woke up it was going to be a
lonely lonely lonely lonely day."-Lonely Day-Phantom Planet

Its a three lyrics day. I know it's crazy. Specially since thats the only good thing thats happened today side from inventing Ditty. It was Rooney. The Song is by Rooney. It's called I'm a terrible person. I love that song but I'm just not in the mood for it. He came up to me at lunch and asked if I wanted to just be friends. I was thinking what the hell? But I said if thats what you want sure. I didn't want to mess with it. I think I'm getting sick. Everything I've eaten has upset my stomach. Great. I hate it when that happens. Damn pie. Damn food. It's not healthy. Ugh. What a sucky day. Least we got food finally.

Glenn broke up with me. Yea. What the heck. I was sitting at the tables and he comes up and we say a few words then he asks me if we can just be friends. I was thinking what the hell? Why? I didn't say that of course but asked him if thats what he wanted and I think he said yes but everything is kind of a blur then. I just kinda drew Ditty. It kept my mind off of what he said. 12 days. Thats it. 12. Why does it hurt so much? I almost burst out crying multiple times and John saw me and I lied that I had allergies. Oh well. Life sucks. I really did care about him. I really do like him. I just don't want to give away my first kiss on the couch watching fuse. Man if we still were going out and he took me out on sat I would've kissed him. Oh well. His loss. And mine. I guess.

I'm tired. Really tired.
Night~
Jillian

Electric Fires=Shineh Bad Stuff

2005-04-17T19:41:00.000-04:00

Mood-Literally in Shock/Numbness with a crazy headache

"He said to only look up
He said to never look down
Down is where he came from
He said to hope for the best and take a load off my chest
Soon I could be happy
And go all the way up to heaven
And go all the way back home
(whistles)
He thought I might need his help
No one gets high on themselves
I just seem so lonely
He's just trying to be nice
And spread around his advice
I could be that happy
And go all the way up to heaven
And go all the way back home
Stay the way I am today and serve to more disaster
He could tell a fairy tale that's happy ever after
Just relax and green of grass will grow here for a change
Maybe then we'll last a million years or more..or more..or more
And go all the way up to heaven
And go all the way back home
Yes, I do belive what he says
I want to be happy
I could show you this hell
No one gets by on themselves
He can make me happy
(It's a long silent peace)
And I will only love him
(It'a a weakness in your knees)
And I will never look down
Down is where we came from
(It's a perfect place to go for everlasting love)
Because it's all in the past
(Nothing to fear, nothing to hide)
He took a load off my chest
(You just say what's on your mind)
(Needn't think before you speak)
Ooh cause it's not happy
(This is how it's meant to be)
Cause I had needed his help
(Never high, never fall)
No matter how by myself
(You can do no wrong at all)
I am going nowhere
(In this heaven up above filled with everlasting love)
And now I'm changing my plans
Because we only live once
Ooh could be this happy
Once, I could live by his side"-All the Way Up To Heaven-Guster

I'm seriously in shock. The switch on the stove caught on fire. I put it out then the fire folks came. And they disconnected the switch. Then the switch burst up in flame and I put it out again while they backed away. Then fire people were laughing and saying I should join the team. But man I feelike I'm not in here. I'm kinda floating above myself and the keyboard is kinda there. Crazyness. And I don't know what to do with the extinguisher cause it keeps making noises. Whitney told me to put it in the garage so it won't explode or something. Man I'm justkinda numb. What a crazy weekend.

Now thats not sayign this weekends been bad. It's been a great weekend. Spent alot of time with Glenn. He came over friday night and helped me clean out the garage. It was a blast. We got done round 10:30 then we stargazed. I don't know why I brought him back there it was just such a perfect night to star gaze. And I learned he loved stargazing. Yay a guy who likes stargazing! Then we went to his house and played gta3 and then his ma made a really nice dinner(and this was round 11 o.o wow) and his house was so fancy. Man I was like holy shit. And she said it was casual. Wow. Thats crazy, but man the salad kicked ass. Then we went up to his room and talked about legos, and a bunch of random crap ^_^ He has the sweetest dogs, joey and roxanne or joe and roxy. They are so sweet! Then we played ping pong till his ma took me home. Definently a good day.

Saturday I woke up late and with a few new bruises. Mowed the lawn, picked some weeds, small stuff like that. Course mowing took 3 hours. Then I got on and Glenn got on or was already on(kinda outta it right then) and he said he was bored. So I invited him over and we made hamburgers that came out great. He didn't like handling raw meat though. After that we played halo 2 and then Caroline called and invited me over but Glenn was over and so after much calls n' all she came over and we hung out in my sisters basement then came up and watched Scary Movie 2. Afterwards Caroline went home, then Glenn and I kinda just fell asleep the minute I laid down. Good day.

Sunday, well today Woke up a little late and played some pogo. Then Whitney said lets get biscutville. It was good. Yum. Came back and decided fuck it I'm getting the sims 2. Then on the way back she dropped me off at Mrs. Canninos and we went to the garden and worked. Afterwards came home and installed the sims 2 and learned I don't have the right video card. Damn that sucks. Then I heated up some soup and the fan sucking air thingy turned on and the switch wasn't working. Then it started glowing orange underneath and smoking so I got the fire extinguisher and sprayed the glow to hell. Then I kinda twitched for a sec then called my ma, then doug(ooo I called when they were lighting candles for their gramps b-day damn!) then ma then got my sister who called the fire department. T

hey came over apparently with three cars and then whole neighborhood turned out. Apparentlyh they could smell it all the way from the coul-de-sac. And they unscrewed it then turned on the grill thingie and they whole thing like exploded into sparks and blue and white flames. Whitney said I screamed and the firemen on each side of me went back and I took the extinguisher and put out the flames. Then they turned off the electricity to the stove. Man I can't remeber anything cept for the sparks and flames and stepping foward. Thats all I remember in the space of time. Also the metal on the bottom glowing red after the flames were out. Shit I'm just in shock. That was like an hour ago too. Damn. What a story lol

And Spirix is back. Yay Verily. Whee. I'm out
Night~
Jillian

Sunny Days and Pancakes

2005-04-14T20:38:00.000-04:00

Mood-

"When we all had finally washed ashore
It was clear there was no one else around
We declared a national holiday
A chance to build it from the ground
So far away from everyone and everything starts today

Let's keep it together
Can we keep it together
We're singing a new song now and everything starts today

Can we rise
Can we get along all right
Can we miss the storm that sucked the whole world in
And the boats went out at night
And the choppers in the sky
They searched, but they could find no trace of us
So far away from everyone and everything starts today

Let's keep it together
Can we keep it together
We're singing a new song now and everything starts today

The thunder struck the clouds appear
Our fearless crew was not prepared
And pretty soon the boats came for us half a million strong
We gathered arms and fire shells
We built a wall around ourselves
And pretty soon the spirit was a lot like it what it used to be back home

So far away from everyone and everything starts today
Let's keep it together
Can we keep it together
We're singing a new song now and everything starts today
Let's keep it together
Can we keep it together
We're singing a new song now and everything starts today"-Keep it Together-Guster

I think I'm just gonna declare this guster lyric week ^_^ Cause frankly I've been posting their lyrics all week. But its the type of music thats been suiting this week. And today was a very good day despite myself probaly doing bad on two tests...oh well its been a good day. It was plesent out, the sun was shining and I had pancakes for breakfast even if I ate my whole breakfast in two minutes. I had the taste lingering in my mouth all through the first three periods even though I couldn't really taste it after singing. It just was the pancake feeling. Yay for Pancakes!

And once more I can say I don't remeber anything at all cept for bits and peices of the day. I remeber drawing a really crazy guy in first and wondering if the translation cost to much of the test cause I know I screwed up on some of the tenses. Second I remeber telling Sarah a joke then everyone got in a big circle and I got lost on the notes considering I was far away fro mthe other altos(I miss singing high) I was also by sarah and she sings so freaking loud. Third....No fucking clue what happened. Cept that we don't need to do a C.E. and that Jack needs to lend me this manga that he said had my humor in it. Didn't realize I had my own catagory of humor. ^_^ Fourth I remeber most of. It was a test and I forgot bits and pieces of the French Revolution and Napoleon despite me studing him out of plain curosity. Oh well my essays were short but they kicked ass.

Lunch. I remeber we were outside and that it was sunny but taylor wasn't there and molly was sad. Glenn was there and Darlene came over and they were talkign while I was trying ot cheer up Molly. I think I did but I wonder what she was bummed about. Fifth...meh. I really kinda just goofed off but but in smart comments when things were getting slow in the investigation. Sixth was fun. We pretty much debated different parts of 1984 but Mrs. Bowling keeps staring at me. It's kinda creepy. I'm starting to like Mr. Wipert more. I erased soem of the letters on the board(we do this almost every day) I got it to say, So call us red! ^_^ It was funny. On the way to seventh Glenn snuck up behind me and put his eyes over my eyes and I almost elbowed him in the stomach. I didn't though. I think. Hope not. But he didn't realize our seventh period classes are across from eachother. I knew that though. :) And I worked strait through seventh period and really did good. I'm shocked but once you get into it you kidna start using your brain. Science w/o math, something I can do. XD

After school My sis and I went to Zacks, and we got the same thing(I've been getting the same thign for years literally and she just fell in love with it ^_^) and listened to The Purple Rock CD(It's a mix) I had her listen to Lets keep it together-by guster and she fell in love with it. I have had that song stuck in my head all day.

Now I thought I had girl scouts but I didn't thankfuly. Next week. Got one more week but I gotta work on sunday, clean all saturday but I am going with glenn to watch fat albert at his church on saturday night. I just hope I won't smell. I'll take a shower tommarow night so that will last and my hari won't be strait. Thats the only issue I have when I comes to my hair. When I blow dry it, it comes out strait.

But I talked to Glenn tonight. His ma was yelling for him to get off the phone though. We talked about music n' all, things we find scary. Then he asked me out. He said he wanted to ask me at the movie but he couldn't wait. I said yes this time. Third times the charm! That holds true for my mp3 to say the least. It hasn't broken down yet but I think I need to get a case for it cause it kinda got chips n' all. But he asked me. Yay!!! ^_^ Fluffiness!! Chessebombers of Ashkabadian Clouds!! Yay!! lol

Since then I have cooked hotdogs and made a cherry dessert thingie. Its got baked cherries, sugar, a topping and I think It would taste great mixed up. Now I gtg read othello and fini my hw for that.
Nightiness!!~
Jillian

(P.S. Temp. New Skin till I write the next one, though I think I'm gonna write this one by hand. hmm..we'll see)

"And the Rest is Just Gone"

2005-04-13T22:18:00.000-04:00

Mood-happy/sad?

"There we stand, About to fly
Peeking down over land, Parachute behind
What was that moment for, Which we live
Without a parachute, About to die

Find my self convincing
Blindly falling faster
How easy
Know the place I'm leaving
And the rest is just gone

Oh the adoration
But how much strength does it take, For exploration
For split decision, Are you stronger to remain

Find my self convincing
Blindly falling faster
How easy
Know the place I'm leaving
And the rest is just gone

It crept up on me, Ignored all my pleas
Begging to leave, No justice to maim me
Fell out of the sky, Cease it to be
Without a reply, Gravity fails me
When I awoke, I knew what was real
Hope to convince you, Lies they all torture me
Opened the door, Knew what was me
I finally realized, Parachute over me"-Parachute-Guster

Well today has been interesting to say the least. It was the Day of Silence today from the GLSA I think thats it. Gay-Lesbian-Strait-Association? I always thought that. But I was silent from 4th to the end of the day cept for ordering lunch(Couldn't think of how else to get food) and an unconcious word here and there where I accidently said what I was thinking. Luckily no one heard me. But some good news is Glenn isn't mad at me. In fact he invited me to this thing at his church. I kinda was a little freaked out, many bad experiences in church related events, and I didn't know any of the songs.

I thought Glenn was mad or something because he kept looking around and I didn't want him to feel like he couldn't go and stand by other people. He just kept looking around and I kinda was freaking out. But then the preacher guy started talkign and all and it was with these fish and he took some out and killed a bunch of them then said that most of us were caring more about a little 7cent feeder fish than our own friends. He did a big metaphoric thing with the fish and our friends. But he said the fish had no souls and I just don't believe that. I think everything has a soul, otherwise it wouldn't live it. It would be like a robot. And thats scary.

But man I started crying. I kept my head down(yay for long hair) and didn't show it. I hate crying in public. But Glenn seemed really sad. I wanted to hug him. We were in chairs though. But then the preacher guy went and told us to think about the one who got away. And honestly I couldn't think of anyone cept for the people who have called me or talked to me for hours telling me all their problems or telling me that they have a gun or a rope or pills and that they just wanted to say good-bye. And I thought back on those convorsations(sp?).And I just started crying because I hate it when people are like that and get so low cause that happened to me but no one was there. I realized back then that nobody would look out for me so I need to watch their backs and since then have been a loyal jackass. It's just funny cause if it weren't for Misa I probaly would be dead. And now thanks to ma I can't find her. But shes been really depressed lately with lily and all. I just miss her. And shes nto where she usually is. Or anywhere in the neighborhood. Back to the thing. He told us to come up and kneel and pray for the one that got away.

I prayed for Justin. I know he probaly doesn't even remember my name or maybe he does. I probaly will never see him again but he is probaly the person I talked to the longest one night when he was about to shoot himself. I gave him so many reasons to live, and if only just to see the sunrise the nextday. We never really talked about that night and now we don't talk anymore. Last time I was talking to him was last fall and he said he was thinking about droppign out and even then I told him he shouldn't and gave him some hope, least tried to. Since then who knows. But then we stood up. Glenn got up last I think. But I still didn't know any of the words while they sang. but then I just started crying and I hugged him for a long time. Man I was trying not to cry but I hate people who are hurt. Its just horrible when you see your friends get that low and I've been tryign to help Caroline cause shes been getting depressed lately. But I've told her time and time again my doors are always open to her. That life. Try to help as it goes and when we die? Nobody knows.

Then Glenn went to talk to the preacher guy. He took a while and I just stood there, pretty confused, and watched the people play basketball. Some were really good. I also offered to help move couches but they were fien. I think you could probaly get about 12 chairs on one of those push things. And I met a guy I haven't seen in a long while. He doesn't really remeber my name and I didn't remeber his. We both knew that. But he goes to west now. West or North. Now reagan. Darn ducks. Darn paper airplanes. lol

Now I have to finish studying for latin. We got a test and somehow I doubt reasonable guessing will get me through the tenses this time. What a crazy day though. If I ever go mute least I know now I can mime. ^_^
Night~
Jillian

Yay for reflexes?

2005-04-12T19:26:00.000-04:00

Mood-Spasticenthusiasticaly Happy now sad

"When you look in the mirror, wish you were somebody else
Just a perfect reflection, you and no one else
Minutes run into hours, hours run into days
You're still waiting for someone who never ever came

Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa
Never be the same again
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa
Never be the same again

Go and run through the hallways, and find your way to the door
You will end up like always, back where you were before
Can you look in the mirror, wish you were somebody else
But it's still your reflection, you and no one else
You were always saying something, you swear you'd never say again
You were always saying something, you swear you'd never say again

Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa
Never be the same again
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa
Never be the same again"-Guster-Fa Fa

I think the pollens getting to me. My nose has been itching and my eyes watering but still no sneeze. Darn pollen. ^_^ Happyiness! Glenn invited me to the village tavern after school with his ma. It was a lot of fun! Cept I kinda feel bad cause he snuck up on me when I was confused and I turned, fell and kicked him. But he has good reflexes too so he blocked it. Then he almost got run over by a bus cause he didn't look. He invited me to The Village Tavern with his ma. I think he's mad at me but I was kinda mean. He was talkign bout his cousin's racoon and how hes lazy like him and I was kinda mean nad said that he had no excuse to be lazy. I can be a bitch sometimes...I just hope hes not mad cause he got off after that. eeek. v.v Yea I guess I'ma bitch *hides* damn.

But it was fun. We talked about many random subjects from school to sports to weapons to well many random things. It was quite edjimacational and a lot of fun. I just wanted to hug him. I hope he isn't mad at me. Man now I'm sad. Damn. And I'm talkign to Rachel, Taylor, and Victoria on a chat bit. We pretty much planned our joint b-day. And now we just are goofing off. And frankly I just kinda ain't in the mood to really type much more. I think I have some homework to do but my sis has my bag. Meh. Damn, I hopehes not mad. He's the first guy I've actually liked in a long time. v.v
Night~
Jillian

Shake it up, Shake it up!

2005-04-10T19:30:00.000-04:00

Mood-Summery(Is that word?)

"Roll your Head and
Roll your ears and
Roll your nose and
Roll your mouth and
Roll your neck and
Roll your shoulders
Roll your chest and
Shake the rest and

Shake it up, Shake it up!
Shake it up, Shake it up!-Shake it up-????

I <3 guster! Everytime I think of them its like 'm back on the boat. I remeber one day we were in the harbor surrounded by boy scout boats. So we blasted guster and the "Shake it up" Song. I played the saw with them. It was fun. But the thing is the older folks and some others went in to get bread and meat for dinner that night and it was kinda a rainy day. So we got on top of the boat and danced for the surroundingships. We even got invited to party by one boat of adventure scouts. They came from Minnesota. or Michigan. But there was this one guy, he was 2 years older than me, and we spent the whole night hanging out with eachother. It was a blast. Good Times, Good Times. I don't think I could find that song again. I remember most of it. Screw it I'm sticking that as the song. Don't remeber the lower body though just the top part. I gotta get those pics developed.

Today was a good day. My sis slept till 3, I finally got a bath, We went grocery shopping(Yay!), I kratchered the stairs and first block(two hours to do but had fun doing it) Played with the pigs, Read, and cleaned(every day of my life!! v.v) I also got the pic for what my new skin is gonna be. I think I'll work on the skin I'll be using because it has less complicated html. Course I think I'm gonna keep the multiple songs this one had But it's totaly different from what I usually do. But it's gonna have a summery seaish feel. The other one reminds me of fall/spring. More fall cause the girls wearing brown colors. I like it though. She looks familiar cept for the purple eyes. Purple kicks ass though.

Theres another song i never remember. I have no clue who its by but it's either guster, wheezer or something round those parts. It's about this guy that kinda tells everything bout his girl friends to everyone. They played that song alot on the boat too. Oh well. It'll porbaly pop up liek fragments of memories did for me.

My sis and I got Zacks. She talked to me bout glenn. Shes talked to his sister then bitched me out about saying no to going out. She thinks WTW is brainwashing me. Maybe, but I'm not quitting it. I love WTW. The people are nice, You get to act in front of other students, get outta school and have random fun parties! Who could ask for more? Well from somethign like this of course.

And Ireally don't know why I don't just say yes. I rarely date people. HEll I've only had two boyfriends and both I realize now are horny jackasses, and they both have mothers who are teachers. So does Glenn. Well his ma was a sub, who was my teacher. >.< Maybe I should be a nun.

Funny joke-

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables.

When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed.

'Warn me, eh? Who are you?'

'Moses,' replied the parrot.

`Moses?' The burglar laughed. 'What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?'

The parrot replied, 'Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Well I know this has been short but I gots hw to do including an essay.
Night~
Jilian

Jesus is Watching You
Along with big brother and the rest of those damn peeping toms.
^_^

~Now Show Me Something Pretty~

2005-04-09T23:22:00.000-04:00

Mood-Tired

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.
I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
As for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.

Here I am, where I’ve been
I’ve walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.
I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
As for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted."-Something Pretty-Patrick Park

Today started off bad. I tried to fix the fridge ice plumbing system and my ma got pissed when I screwed it up. So then she tells me I gotta clean the kitchen, and the heavy duty way. So I scrubbed, Sweeped, Washed(Literally All the wood, Appliances, Hell everything but the comp and the papers) the entire kitchen. And then I mowed the lawn, did the dishes, did the laundry, Pulled weeds, Fixed the lawn mower(sorta), Cleaned the bathrooms, Chased lily and talked to glenn. He invited me to a movie this afternoon but my ma's been so pissy lately I'm just like shit shes two steps from hitting me no way am I gonna say "Hey Ma, Mind if I actually stop following your every whim for a second and do something with an awesome guy?" Hell I haven't showered in three days(or four, Man I gotta wash my sheets) and its that time of the month too. XP I think I'm just gonna say fuck you ma I'm taking a bath cause I smell worse than the pigs. Sounds good.

I hope Glenn and I can finally go see a movie tommorow. Or do something. That'd kick ass. I think ma 'll be fine by then. She seemed kinda pissy when she came fro mher room. We were supposed to go to Dougs and she canceled cause she said she had work. Then she skips work. Wtf? Seriously she needs to wake up or something. I hope she gets better after her knee surgery. Maybe she'll calm up, or soemthing. I think I'm gonna go for a run. It's a great star night even though I think its near the hiding moon night. Better for stargazing ^_^

Good news! Of course it would be me would got it. The badge we've been trying for a year and a half to get. I got the damn solitare badge! One three games in a row on the most unlucky pogo game ever. Well one of them. Most games against a computer are pretty unlucky. But aside from that I just spent the last hour messing with a picture and I think I got my new skin. It's not what I was thinking of. So I might make another one. I have a good idea and a good pic for another one. I like the title "The Random Rambles Of The Secretly Sane One" It's fun. The one I have the idea for though I think might have a different title. Maybe the Seaside Stories from the Secretly Sane One? Hmm. We'll see.

Had to take care of maggie today. They were gonna give me ten dollars for it but I left it on their counter. I need it but for spending 30 min petting maggie, hell I love that dog. But I think shes gonna die soon. There's just something in her eyes that makes me think that. Man thats practically the dog I grew up with, though mainly when Justin and I were close friends. Married Twice, Divorced Three times XD Apparently Taylor thinks he's really hot. He is though and plays basketball or skateboards without his top on alot. But frankly I've known him way to long to really think like that. That would be kinda like thinking Todd was hot. He kinda is but honestly I've freaking bathed with him. No way am I gonna think otherwise than a friend.

"Lets face it guys, We're winners.
Uh'uh no way
We're going down
We're gonna get creamed."-South Park XD
Funny Episode! They kept saying they we're gonna lose and get their butts kicked cause they wanted to stop playing baseball. It was hilarious.

Weird thing. I've been dreaming right? But I only remeber bits and pieces and it's always like I'm in my house or somewhere within the vicinity but everything looks different. It's the same but its just weird. Kinda unexplainble I guess. Oh well

I Smell and I'm Wiped
Night!
~Jillian

Damn You Phone!!!

2005-04-08T23:02:00.000-04:00

Mood-Saddened

"I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
I want to go back to
Believing in everything

[Latin hymn:]
Iesu, Rex admirabilis
Et triumphator nobilis,
Dulcedo ineffabilis,
Totus desiderabilis.

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Away

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
I want to go back to
Believing in everything

I still remember."

Rargh!!! My ma bought crap. Litteraly. Crap. Well useless stuff. I guess she wants me to put her new toliet in. Cause she askes "us" I'm doing it. But I have no clue whats going on. Ever. She didn't pay the phone bill. Which is bad. Cause the one time I'm actually using the phone, it's dead. And Glenn iveted me to the movies tonight. But I came home and my phone was dead. I think he thinks I ditched for some reason. If he gets on I'll try to explain what happened. Aside from the phone being off I spent 2hrs mowing the lawn through random showersand thunder(yea I'm a dumbass) and I still haven't done a small strech cause victoria snuck up on me. And a screw fell out from the lawnmower. so thats already screwy.

I just love first mowes. Frankly I just am having no luck with lawnmowers. I almost broke the fence, swingset,(and almost got killed seven times(or more) on that mower) and the garden block, the porch and the car on our old lawn mower. I actually broke it three times on the hill on hte back yard, the hill above our drive way, and the stump hill thingy. All that in one month with one lawnmower. I was extra careful with our neighbors lawn mower(push ^_^ )and fell in love with push mowers. So I puched my ma to get one. Plus they really are cheaper than riders. I just think she shouldn't have made me mow wet grass. That wasn't too enjoyable. But I actually mowed over 2 hrs strait. Once you get mowing it hard to stop going. :)

But then I realized I had no way to contact Glenn cept for aim and he's not usually on late at night(like now) Then Victoria actually came to my house, while I was mowing and invited me over. I was so shocked I just kinda floated after her. People can always get me with shock. Sp I ended up at her house watchign the matrix and playing the sims then getting home round 10:30. You know what I just realized? All I have eaten today is a bowl of cheerios, some crackers and tuna, and popcorn. Wow. No wonder everything felt whee when I was mowing. Damn. Yet I'm not hungry. hmm.

I hope he gets on soon. Cause I know tommorow is either devoted to cleaning or pogo. More likely cleaning. And I need a bath. I am green. Litterlay my hadns, arms, pants, shirt, hell face is greenish tinged fro mthe lawn mower. Damn I need to clean the lawn mower. Eeek. I forgot to do that. Good news! My sis approves him! And I was walking home with cristina and nate(I think) but I mentioned his name and she just was either about to smack me or lauhg her ass off. She gave me a hug. Wtf? Yea no clue on that I just told her to shut up cause I ain't listening. Damn Bitches! XD

Well its a record! 30 minutes! Wow! And now I gotta continue cleaning. I think I need to wash my sheets. Anyhoo cross your fingers for me and Good Night!~
Jillian

Talking!

2005-04-07T20:44:00.000-04:00

Mood-Happy and Sleepy

"Wind me up
put me down
start me off and watch me go
I'll be running circles around you sooner than you know
A little off center
and i'm out of tune
just kickin this can along the avenue
But i'm alright"-Jerk it out-The Ceasers

Glenn and I have been talking about 2hrs-3hrs strait. It's been alot of fun. Seriously I have enjoyed it immensly. And we are still talking. And I really can't type and talk and type at the same time.
Night~
Jillian

I am making hamburgers yes I am. But they arn't made with real ham. XD

2005-04-06T19:19:00.000-04:00

Mood- Happy and Calm(strange eh?)

"I took their smiles and I made them mine.
I sold my soul just to hide the light.
And now I see what I really am,
A thief, a whore, and a liar.
I run to you,(run away from this hell)
Call out your name,(giving up, giving in)
I see you there,(farther away) farther away.

Im numb to you - numb and deaf and blind.
You give me all but the reason why.
I reach but I feel only air at night.
Not you, not love, just nothing.
I run to you,(run away from this hell)
Call out your name,(giving up, giving in)
I see you there,(farther away) farther away.

Try to forget you
but with out you, I feel nothing
Don't leave me here, by myself.
I can't breathe.
I run to you,(run away from this hell)
Call out your name,(giving up, giving in)
I see you there,(farther away) farther away.

I run to you,(run away from this hell)
Call out your name,(giving up, giving in)
I see you there,(farther away) farther away.
Farther away,"-Farther Away-Evanescence

I love that song but what a strange one to be listening to now. Used to be able to relate to it. Man I like being free. Not having to worry bout what you gotta wear to school or if you are accidently flirting with someone. Freedom is Slavery my ass. I wanna get that book badly. Victoria said she'd let me borrow hers. My ma said I could have a joint b-day party between Victoria, Taylor, Rachel, and I. I just need to clean the garage. A scary task indeed.

Just to see if I still can write in it. Nothing major and in fact I think I'll write the translation under it. ^_^ Good thing Nathan doesn't read this anymore course I highly doubt he'd go back and translate.

Dutyo ryc paah y naymydejmo kuut tyo. E funa y pmylg crend fedr so pmylg puudc yht y pynamo byccehk tnacc luta cgend dryd fyc y bmyet behg. Gelg ycc! ^_^ Madc caa, 1cd y chuuwan labd fa ryt y dunhytu tnemm yht dryd sayhc pahtehk ujan eh y cgend. Aaag. E zicd cyd po aneh yht ramt so cgend tufh. Hu fyo ys E ryjehk cusauha caa so ihtanfayn ihmacc edc mulgan nuus un yd rusa. 2ht...Fryd rybbahat eh 2ht? E ryja hu lmia. Labd fa cyhk eh dra ydneis yht ed cuihtat cu bnaddo labd ic ymduc(>.<) gaab saccehk ib fedr dra caluht nabayd kuehk ib 2 hudac ehcdayt uv uha.

3nt sar, tet uin jetau bnacahdydeuh, ed fyc vihho lnyb. 4dr hudac. Sar. 5dr Sydr...sar. 6dr irrr gehty punehk pid E cduma Tyheamc puug f/u res ghufehk yht nayt ed dra fruma baneut. Snc. Pufmehk gaabc muugehk yd sa faent. E drehg ed'c lyica E'ja paah naytehk tinehk lmycc. E cdemm byo yddahdeuh yht tu so fung. E mega ran druikr. Cra'c so vyjuneda daylran. ^_^ 7dr! Ur oyo! knyrys Paync! Fa tet yh aqbanesahd yht yda dras ymm. Gelg ycc.

Translation~Today good day. I wore a black shirt boots and a barely passing dress skirt plaid pink and black. Kick ass! ^_^ Lets see, 1st a snoozer cept we had a tornado drill and that means bending over in a skirt. Eeek. sat erin and held skirt 2nd...What happened in 2nd? I have no clue. Cept we sang and it sounded so pretty altos(>.<)notes second repeat two up

3rd meh, did our video presentation, it was funny crap. 4th notes. Meh. 5th Math...meh. 6th but I stole Daniels book w/o him knowing and read whole period. Mrs. Bowling keeps looking at me weird. I think it's cause I've been reading during class. I still pay attention and do my work. I like her though. She's my favorite teacher. ^_^ 7th! Oh yay! Graham Bears! We did an experiment and ate them all. Kick ass.

Somehow I feel like I just betrayed that langauge. Screw it I'm deleting bits of it so it won't be completly betrayed. No one will ever know. Hell no one reads this anyways. Good I guess. Course if I ever have to talk bout it again I'll write in that language. But like I said last time who knows? I wanna read that again. I think I'll go back and read some. :)

Lunch was fun. We sat outside again but we kept moving and I got really confused. I always get confused during lunch. Too many people coming and going at once and all the noise. I don't really mind but it's hard to blokc it out and do your homework. I did my math in lunch and the white blossoms kept getting in my math book. Also Glenn sat wiht us. He is very quiet. He had chic-fil-a though. I wonder what he's like w/o meds. Probaly don't wanna know. But no one complained which is good. CourseI think taylor was a little mad. But she already knows that I'm heading to no guys for the rest of the year.

Lets see oh yea I made hamburgers! They are really good and I made I think the next spicy healty beef non-jerky but close. It was so good. Next time I'm grabbing some beef and making a bunch of those. The hamburgers are great! But I'm wiped.

Soooo Night!~
Jillian

[Rant]I hate being human sometimes <(v.v)>

2005-04-05T17:57:00.000-04:00

Mood-Well I was happy

"smile torn in two
sweetened pain
she always laughs
at the most horrible things
knife in her heart
she's smiling again
drowning inside

going numb on the outside
ripped all apart on the in
holding back the tears
feeling pain
she says it's better than
not feeling at all
some form of being alive

she always laughs
at the most horrible things

she always laughs
at the most horrible things
knife in her heart
she's smiling again
drowning inside "-She always Laughs at The Most Horrible Things-Maystar

I was happy. I had a pretty good day. The ride home kinda sucked but it was fine. Also my sister and her friends bitchy looks kinda pissed me off. But it was fine I could deal with it. So I made my ma her blueberry-lemon cake for work then spent an hour messing with the new lawnmower(finally!!) and gettign rid of the trash. Then I neatened up the house. I even picked a flower for her. I went to tell my ma that the lawnmower was finished and in the garage and that I finished making her cake. Aparently she was sleeping and I didn't know that cause she was up about 15minutes ago. I really didn't know and I didn't mean to wake her up. I just thought she was awake. So then she gets up and yells at me saying that I just live for toturing her and that I've been hiding my report card from her which I put on her dresser like a week ago so she could see it. And apparently she never got it but she knew that I got it but didn't give it to her in person. God I fucking put it in plain site. Whats so hard about that?

I bet whitney took it cause shes been going through mom's stuff. Jeez I'm sorry I got a new skirt whitney and that I unintentionaly wake you up ma sometimes. I don't wake up thinking "Ok how am I gonna toture ma today. How about cleaning up and baking and trying my best to be a good daughter" I didn't notice that the doors were slamming that day, it didn't seem so loud. I forgot that the windows were open and that makes the doors noisy. I don't remember these things well. I'm sorry for being a horrible child. I guess being a human really is a liability. Sometimes I just think It would be easier to pack a bag of clothes and leave. I can live at school. Do odd jobs at ace hardware and lowes food for money. See if my friends could bring an extra sadwhich at lunch. Sleep either on the fields or in the doorway. But Victoria and Caroline have offered a place if I ever need somewhere to stay. I told them someday I might need to take up that offer but the same goes for them.

It's just so many times lately have I walked out of this house knowing that nobody here even notices my absense. And whitneys getting an apartment in 3 wks because she can't stand ma. And now ma's all pissy cause she thinks whitney is gonna get the apartment with scott and that shes doing it just to piss her off. And thats th only reason she goes out with him. Sometimes I hate being in a paranoid family. My ma always thinks we are just doing something just to piss her off. Or that we don't even think or care about her. Well you know what ma? The feeling is fucking mutural here. I do so much in this house. I try to keep my grades up. I try to keep the house clean though not always my room.

I try to do my best. And I know I'm lazy. I know I'm a procrastinater on some things. I know I forget alot. I know that you work hard. I know that you have sacrificed all your comforts and stability for a good retirment. I know that you are in a lot of pain. I know so many things. I know that you abused all of us and that you and dad abused eachother. I know he mentaly abused you for years and has swindled like a million from you. I know that he has had many affairs and is not paying child support. I remeber ya'll fighting. I have even had to stop you from beating whitney even htough she instigated it. And I know you have a short temper. I know I'm afraid of you. And I know if you ever read this I am either dead or soon to be yelled at or possibly beaten.

Because you have such a low-selfesteem. And last summer when I gave you that letter. You said you wouldn't speak of it. You woke me up at 3 and were crying and yelling at me that I think your such a horrible evil bitchy mother. I didn't think that. I just told you the truth about my real feelings. And you didn't realize that I said I loved you and respected you and knew of how much you have done for us. You told me to write it. I wrote three pages. I know where it is. I have read it again. And seriously I am never gonna be able to tell you anything thats the whole truth for fear that you will blow up on me. You never did seem to understand that. Especially how you treat your child will tell how they will act when they grow up. And whitney acts like you did. And you hate her for it. Cause both you and dad acted like that when we were kids. Then you just say shes just like dad. I hate humanity because we all do this. We are afriad to face the truth and respond with violence in words or actions. Sometimes its just hiding. I really need to shut up.

Last two days have been floaters. I've been trying to write but no luck. Victoria now goes out with nate, I got my skirts, kicked butt in some classes, Got many weird looks for wearign such a short skirt and of course its me. The tomboy. And Samantha Clark called me. O.o I was shocked. Haven't talekd ot her in forever. It was an enjoyable talk. And My ma's been bitchy lately. PMS I guess. Course shes through menapause. No clue then.

I'm gonna stop now before I go psycho or something
Bye~
Jillian

The're Everywhere! The're Everywhere!

2005-04-02T21:57:00.000-05:00

Mood-Random

"Miya-hee
Miya-hoo
Miya-ho
Miya-haha

Hello [on a cellphone], greetings, it's me, an outlaw,
I ask you, my love, to accept happiness.
Hello, hello, it's me, Picasso,
I sent you a beep [cellphone signal], and I'm brave [or strong],
But you should know that I'm not asking for anything from you.

You want to leave but you don't want don't want to take me, don't want don't want to take me, don't want don't want don't want to take me.
Your face and the love from the linden trees,
And I remember your eyes.

I call you [over the phone], to tell you what I feel right now,
Hello, my love, it's me, your happiness.
Hello, hello, it's me again, Picasso,
I sent you a beep [cellphone signal] and I'm brave [or strong],
But you should know that I'm not asking for anything from you.

You want to leave but you don't want don't want to take me, don't want don't want to take me, don't want don't want don't want to take me.
Your face and the love from the linden trees,
And I remember your eyes."

Yes I think I love that song. Ben had it on his psp and jack kept playing it. We were dacing in front of the eckards. Ok last night. The lock-in. Craziness. 30 little girl scouts. Wow. It was fun though. I love little kids. I think one of them stoel my 50$ that I was gonna spend on the sims. There goes my easter money from grams and having to walk 3 miles a day to feed victorias pets. I think I should be more bummed but I really am not too bummed. I'm a little sad I gotta save up for it again. Oh well. If only whitney took me when she said she would. Then I probaly would be playing it right now.

Damn I taste blodd in my mouth. I'm not really complaining but I think my teeth in the back are coming in. Guess someone forgot to come out early XD. But I can feel the top of it. It's sharp though. Lately I've been biting my bottom lip. Now I got scabs. And my teeth are sore. Oh well.

I'm not really sure but I think I saw Justin today. I really did see justin stein but I think I saw yates. We were asking if we could use player's choice in one of our skits(they didn't let us) and we also were looking at other games and movies. Jack rented this sickingly cute japanese show. I was like omg that so sick its cute. Some lions adventures and he dies. Something like that. It's in Japanese so jack wanted to practice. I swear he needs to become a linguist. But some guy with a hoodie came in and was looking at the video games then was at the counter. Couldn't see his face though cause his hood was up. I just saw a goatee and someone smiling. He reminded me a lot of justin. I also thought about him when I was sitting at wal-greens for like two hours. I had my sleeping bag and pillow cause I walked from the lock-in. People thought I was running away. Shame if it was him he saw me when I looked like crap. My hair was in a messy pony tail and I had to look like a hobo XP Oh well. Probaly wasn't him but some random person.

There was the sweetest little girl there. Her name was sydney. I think she was jealous cause all the littler kids kept jumping on me for piggy back rides(I have bruises) But she just was calm and sat with me. Thank goodness. But she didn't sleep over night. There was girl who was a spolied bitch. She was fat and kept wanting piggy back rides. I was like sry sweetie I'm super tired from the first 17 piggy back rides wait dammit. She freaking had a cell phone. I think hse stole my money cause she kept looking at me like she knew something. Damn bitches. But we had a craft room and gmae room. It was fun. The bubble wrap stonp was the best though.

The next morning I went to wal-greens and sat there then went to eckards, player's choice(It was closed v.v) and Ace Hardware. Then I went back to wal-greens. everyone cept jack forgot. And then they came after we called. It was funny, I was like you know where I am? You know where you arn't? You know what time it is. What day it is. You know Where your supposed to be? Jack and I were cracking up. We got a good 5 minutes of video and many weird looks.

Anyhoo I'm off. How come it always takes me an hour to write my blog? XD
Night~
Jillian

Guys really are another species, I swear

2005-03-31T21:28:00.000-05:00

Mood-Yea Now I'm Awake

"Kiss me, under the moon and star light
Swing Swing, Above the green green grass
Lightning, wear your feathered hat
You wear your shows and I will wear that dress
Oh-oh"

Thats songs been stuck in my head. XP And frankly the whole day I have been asleep. So ha. But I woke up at 2am(I keep waking up at wierd times) and then at 5am. LEft the house at 5:39. Got to the end of peacehaven at 6:07. And got to 3183 turkey lane round 6:40. The end of robinhood road and silas creek are very scary places.I had to walk across silas creek and pretty much onthe side of the hill on hte ramp going to silas creek. Damn Roadsmen!

Then our performance is in the ghetto. Litteraly the ghetto. Lauren was taking all of us and we were like holy shit why are those groups of people staring at us. Seriously everyone was black. The performance was good though. We kicked as. Got hot college guys to come back and help out. Rar! lol Then we went to mcdonalds and were the only white folks in there. Yea. It was weird. I swear eating mcdonalds really makes me sick lately. After I eat anything there I feel like it was drugged or something. Course acids do the same thing too v.v I swear soon I'll just have to stop eating.

The guys were weird to day though. People just kept looking at me strange. Maybe cause my hair's curled. Or I was sleeping most the time. idk. I just got alot of varying looks from guys today. Even John. Thouhg I had a few interesting convo's with riley, frodoba, and daniel. Who cares. Oh well. And I really think I'm just not gonna mess with guys this year. I should focus on my classes more. Guys are an annoyance and a pestilence that takes up your mind and concentration. Screw you guys.(I'm going home) ^_^

And I'm going to go do my bio hw. Micro Magazine my ass.

Night~
Jillian

The Opposite of Inspiration is Expiration?

2005-03-30T20:24:00.000-05:00

Mood- Worried

"I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
And I'm talking to myself at night
Because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a cigarette
And the message coming from my eyes
Says leave it alone

Don't want to hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell
And if I catch it coming back my way
I'm gonna serve it to you
And that ain't what you want to hear,
But that's what I'll do
And the feeling coming from my bones
Says find a home

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera for evermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding
Right before the lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will think no more
And the stains coming from my blood
Says I don't know"-Seven Nation Army-White Stripes

Damn. Damn Damn Damn. I was in a good mood then I learned I had to go to laurens house in the morning stead of her picking me up. And no one can take me. And she lives three miles away. And my sister doesn't have her car. And my ma won't be home. Shit. I'm gonna have to leave at 5:45 to hopefully make it there by 7. Cause if I have my bags with me walking a mile will take about 20-25 min. I'll try to run near the end. I swear its a good thing I've been walkign to victorias. She lived bout 1.3 miles away. Now I gotta walk 3 times that. I hope it's worth it. Probaly should go to sleep early. But I never fall asleep till a long while later. I've been trying to stop my mental chatter. I got it for about thirty seocnds but I could hear the voices chattering under the surface.

Though it may not sound that hard, having your mind be completly blank and totaly thoughtless is really hard to do. Because people talk in their head. So they won't go crazy. But just not thinking anything and breathing(not even thinking about breathing just no sound in your head) The only way I can do it is close my eyes and(this'll sound weird) see in my head and through my eyes and its like you look down a tunnel with no expression just staring at it and feeling yourself breathe and thats it. Nothing else. It is so crazy when nothing is going on in your head. And I keep getting really weird voices saying random things. Oh well.

The last two nights have been so crazy. I look out my window and see the moon and its like right outta a movie. Thats how crazy it is. Except the moon isn't full. But I watch its light hit my sheets if I'm up late enough. like 12-3. I woke up at 3 for some reason two days ago and was really thirsty so I went and got a drink. My ma was on the computer like wtf cause I grabbed a highly cafinated drink(with citrus acid! felt that when I woke up) and fell right back asleep once I finished it. Rargh caffine can't beat sleep! lol

Today has just been a floater. It was good no doubt bout that. Gorgeous. In fact I made hot dogs, apple crisp, cleaned all the woodwork and chairs on the porch and the kitchen, hot tub, den, bathroom. And did it with a smile. And I'm missing lost. Damn. I've missed I few of those episodes. Oh well. Now for a guy update

I talked to Glen. Had a lovely time talking to him. He asked me out. I've known the guy for a week(really tonight it's been a week) Thats a little early. And I told him that. And I think he understood. Then Ben Im's me. And asks me how I'd react if some guy liked me. And after further investigating this guy was gonna ask me out a few weeks ago. And he didn't. And I think it's Daniel. And what the hell is up with guys all the sudden. Definently close to swearing them off. Feel like I'm in 4th or eighth grade again. I think I like glen. But I still don't really know him. So no clue on that.

Now I gtg plan and pack for tommorow. It's times like this I wish I had a car.
Night~
Jillian

You are Worth The Wait!

2005-03-29T22:42:00.000-05:00

Mood-Happy

"Lazy days, Spring is here again
If he never gets to see the open road
Fade away, the seasons always fade
For the price of comfort here will always go
And the warmth of her he will always know
And he said
If I ever see the day
They take my love away
Then the lights will go
And I will be so lonely
For now we can begin
To take the right road
and the lights will know this will never fade
for the moment is engraved"-???-???(Who is this by!?!?)

I'm happy. I was really pissy before and happy before that. Lets go backwards. But one thing. I wrote an entry. I remeber. But it didn't publish cause my ma got on. the computer doesn't like her XD jk. I love that song. But mainly all I wrote about is how yesterday I remeber pretty much nothing at all. Sad eh? Literally I was sleepwalking. And Glenn had his hair down. And he looked like the guy who kept appearing in my dreams. So I was defiently stunned there. I barly recognized him. Even in the dreamstate. But I got him a name on gaia. I'll give it to him later.

Ok now going back through the day backwards. Just watched the ten o' clock news. WTW was on it. We kicked ass. I was on it too ^_^ In the perfect cake skit. I love wtw. We have a performance on thursday. I hope Lauren can give me a ride otherwise I'm SOL. If I gotta I'll see if I can get a ride over to her house so she could possibly take me. now backing further. My ma and my sis have been bitching all afternoon. Totaly busted my mood v.v My sis picksme up ad goes on a venting rampage. Seriously pissed me off there. Then I came home and my mas all bitchy at my sis and shes bitchy at her. I hate these times every few months where its like a battle field. Specially after the whole psycho mess on thursday v.v My sis just needs to figureout her limits and stop thinking moms a freaking money tree. I don't even want to mess with it right now. It's already messing up mood. And people keep saying I should be a counsler. Hell even my counsler suggested it. Something tells me I would start being truthful to the highschoolers to fast. My friends get mad sometimes cause I tell it like it is on most points.

Yep one day I'm gonna get shot

We had auditions today for chorus. I think katie and I did good. But everyone else is such kickass singers. Scary. But he wants to hear us again with the accompiment. good Sign I think. Todays school day has been interesting. First period as usual a sleeper. Second got me in a real pissy mood. Those damn bitches who act like fucking prima donnas were playing a cd with the song they are gonna auftion with over and over and over and over and over. Literaly I counted. 7 times. Same song. And so many people wanted to auditon with that song. And most of those girls don't even sing in the class. They talk. RARGH!! Damn Bitches!

Third was filled with playing a koala game on the computer. Nobody beat me and I got the fourth highest score on the sight second time playing. Yay for video gamers! Won the tourny against Corrine too. ^_^ Fourth. Meh. Sleepy. Boring. Read about napoleon while he was talking bout the revolution in america. Napoleon was an interesting character. He was a genius and knew how manipulate situations and people. But after he got so much power he stopped thinking on consequences. Went crazy. Thats life. Never let things get under your skin or in your mind. Cause In the end thats your only sanctuary. Which really worries me cause I have always felt around certain people that they could hear your thoughts. And thats scary. Very scary. Number one reason I hope the Atrox isn't real and just fiction.

I feel bad though. Glenn came and sat beside me during lunch. And I was totaly nervous about the auditions and hyper(in general) So mainly I was switching between talking to people really fast. And then I had to leave but he was still eating v.v Damn.

Riley plays guitar. He played guitar for his solo audition. Wow. I'm going to bed cause I have to do my hw

Night~
Jillian

Sleepwalking, Yes I'm sleepwalking

2005-03-28T21:04:00.000-05:00

Mood-Sick and Pensive

"Open your eyes
Put it in drive
get on the road and just go.

City lights
turn the tree lines
and National Park signs
Mountains approach
with small winding roads
and the air turns to falling snow

Miles away or just up ahead.
It doesn't matter what,
Any of us is looking for.
We'll never find it, because
It's not even there.

high beams showing
falling rock warning
construction work, slowing

The engine blazes
The elevation raises
The dynamite walls contain us

everyone's wathcing
for animals crossing
through the part of the glass
that's defrosted

Miles away or just up ahead
It doesn't matter what,
any of us is looking for
We'll never find it, because
it's not even there.

Open your eyes
put it in drive
get on the road and just go.

City lights,
turn the tree lines
and National Park signs.
Mountains approach,
with small winds in the road
and the air turns to falling snow.

The engine blazes
the elevation raises
The dynamite walls contain us "-Dynamite Walls-Hayden

I really shouldn't have eaten candy when I came home. I just needed a quick fix. Then I fell asleep in the shower, woke up and found one of my contacts was ripped. Damn. I need to change them soon anyways.

Today has been a sleepwalker. Frankly I remeber none of second, drawing in first, none of third, our homework in fourth(not a clue in class), Looking up into the trees and thinking how pretty it'll be once it blooms, Seeing glenn without glasses and his hair not fancy(will explain something bout that), Bits of lunch, Getting new groups in fifth, nothing in sixth cept I forgot to sit on the guys doing push ups, and seventh really is a blur. So is what happened after school. So I can honestly say that this day has been a faller. Mainly I spent most of it in the recesses of mind either sleeping or thinking. Frankly thats the stuff I leave for still saturdays.

And here is something a little shocking. Glenn didn't wear his glasses today and had his hair down(why does that just sound weird XD ) He looked so much like one of the guys who kept popping up in my dreams. He just has lighter hair and not as creepy an aura. Course in the first one he had a happy one. It was so wierd cause considering I have been sleeping almost all day seeing him like that was just crazy. I barely recognized him. Now I gtg. Nighty Night

Eggs and Social Bunnies

2005-03-27T19:58:00.000-05:00

Mood-Happy

"Eggs! Get your eggs, here!
Fresh and white eggs are here!

Wiggle jiggle, yellow middle,
That's the best of what you are (I love you egg)
White and tender, surround the center
Cozy, sitting in the crackling shell.

Vitamins and minerals in you,
Oodles of the proteins, too (oodle doodle!).
Popular and perfect and,
so complete in every way (I love you egg, egg!)

Come into my tummy, oh so very yummy!
Crack crack crack - chip a chip away your shell
and come to me - get your eggs!

I love you (fresh eggs!)
I love you (white eggs!)
Really really love you so (egg egg egg egg!)
Eggs, I really love you like the sky above (eggs are the best!).

I love you (fresh eggs!)
I love you (white eggs!)
Really really love you so (egg egg egg egg!)
Three hundred and sixty five days,
I really love you so!
I really love you so!

Yummy! "

http://www.iloveegg.com/winopen_ani/eggsong.htm

I swear that song gets stuck in your head. And here's something interesting. I woke up yesterday totaly sore and wiped but guess what? I lost 2.5lbs. Isn't that funny? I must be sleepwalking again XD That'd be bad. You never know where you go when you do that. I think I did that as a baby. My ma told me so many stories of how I'd get outta my crib, somehow open my door, and walk right outta the house. Course once my diaper almost drowned me. My ma said Iwould've been ok if I wasn't wearing my diaper. Darn things ^_^

I made apple, cinnamon, pumpkin bread and lemon poppy seed muffings and lemon pepper eggs. Lemon pepper eggs kick ass. I love eggs. And bunnies. There is a social bunny on the sims 2. It's hilarious.

I spent the day over at the konzcals. It was entertaining. I cleaned ericas room, organized her music, played the guitar, and played the sims 2. We made a family with all her cousins, erica, me and their dad. No one had a choice on what the wore. I looked like cristina agulara(sp?)They all had brown hair cept for their ma and I. I looked nothing like them. but they were all crowding around me. It was a blast. Damn my joints hurt. Mainly my wrists. And I was itching so bad yesterday on my left arm. It sucked. And now I'm on gaia. I have already made free art for two people and they made some for me too ^_^ I'm such an art whore. jk. This is actually the first art I've ever had done on my avie

And here's the ones I've made

They suck but I am proud

And I have alot to do
Night folks

Damn Bitches!

2005-03-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

Mood-Rargh!!!

"I'm not scared
I'm not scared
Try, when your insides out
I don't even try
I know I have seen the best I'll have
I don't even try.

I will just play dumb
I won't hear a single word that says
I will bite my tounge
Never sing another song again"-Rainy Days-Guster

I just am really angry right now. There's this bitch on gaia and I was joking around saying how them bumping so much was scary and she says shut the fuck up you annoying basterd. God I was just playing around. Get a life jeez.

And now my speakers are possesed. I found out thatyou can plug my mp3 into the speakers and the speakers play the song. So thats what I'm doing. And its playing my song but with bits where it goes kinda crazy then back to the song. Maybe the songs screwy. Idk.

Today I have done practically nothing. Took a wonderful shower/bath went for a long run/walk and goofed off. Thats about it. Tommorow I have to spend the day with the konzcals. But I'm staying up till 3 to start the begining of the gaian easter egg hunt. And frankly I am in a really pycho mood right now(not as badd as last night) And just her comment has set me off the edge. Night

Tornado's, Dreams, Sims and Weirdness-Coverage of the Last Few Days

2005-03-25T23:46:00.000-05:00

Mood-Weird

"And thats what you get for falling again you can never get him out of your head.
Thats what you get for falling again you can never get him outta your head.
It's the way that looks at you
It's the way that he kisses you
It's the way that he makes you fall in love"-Sugarcult-Pretty Girl

"Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep it's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I want to scream it makes me feel alive"-Avril Lavinge-Anything but Ordinary

I'm sorry for not posting in the last few days and for the rp post on 22nd. I've just had no time. Literaly. None. And righted now I just am kinda confused. For some random reason I walked outside and felt like running somewhere really bad. I'm wearing my bad bad jeans, sneakers, and a really thin sumemr t-shirt from GS. It was weird. And felt like I was on set at the movies. And I really want to punch or squeeze something bad. I already growled at the cats and then screamed randomly. Just its pretty crazy, its like I have a weird pressure in my chest. I'm just gonna shut up now before I go crazy on trying to describe how I feel. Oh well. Much to write and no time to write it.

Ok! I just saw Cris my neighbors brother. Haven't seen him in years. Holy shit he is hot. My sis is gonna freak when she sees him. Wow he looks hot. But otherwise thats about it. He looks like he should be on a soap opera. But I have become obbssesed with The Sims 2. Already have I made 2 families at 2 of my friends houses. It kicks so much butt. I think I will spend the money I'm earning from pet sitting Victorias dogs and buy it. A well-earned reward considering I have to walk 1.5 miles to get there on peacehaven mostly >.< and spend 30 min to an hour. But she said I could play the sims 2 on her comp so I made a family. And played with her dogs. Frankly I enjoy the walk and everything with it.

Last night I slept over at Carolines. It was fun till she kept talking to folks online and it was 2am. I was like damn. We read Comics and Calvin and Hobbes. Also talked a bunch and gossiped too. It was fun for the mostpart. I love her little sister. She is adorable. Btw I had another dream. This one felt so real. It's a long one.

"My younger sister did something really small but it wasamazing because it was how old she was. She was around 8 it seemed. The tv news people wanted to make it a big deal and make her famous. They were following her around. Then somehow I'm walking down an old small dirt road town and I see Rick. He told me to come and see someone I hadn't seen in awhile. He takes me to an open door bar with big windows. We sit in a very sunny spot by the door with a shadow coming from somewhere. Justin Yates and Todd Stewart are there and Todd said something about meeting Justin and something about Rick. I can still remember their faces. Justins looked older than when I last saw him. He had a goateish beard and hair like the guy in fable. Then we talked about how it was so stupid for our schools to be fighting and then took Todd over and asked him to fight with him on his side. It kept flashing when they were talking to Vash talking to wolfwood on the same subject.
Then it flashes to them coming back to the table where caroline(I have no clue where she came from), rick and I were talking about my sister. Then I freak out and run behind the door and pull caroline with me as one of the evil tv guys come and go up the stairs. The guy had black hair. He knew something about me that I didn't know but somehow I did know. He turns around at the top of the stairs and looks at me with an knowing look. I look at the guys and Todd looks like he kinda gets it along with Rick but Justin looks like he knows and understands why I ran. Then I turn to Caroline and shes totaly confused but I tell her that the guy knows something really bad and I'm scared hes gonna get me. Then I awoke"

It's really long but its just weird taht those people were in it. I mean I used to be best friends with Rick and Todd. Justin too but I was mostly an advice giver and a person to confide in. I wonder how he's doing. The funny thing is it's all guys who once liked me and I really liked them but didn't mess with them for many reasons(mainly family or friendships) and Caroline well no clue on that. I'll try translating it later its just they knew something I didn't know but I kept getting these really weird pictures in my head. And I felt like I do know. I'm bitting my hand to stop myself from running or breaking something. Deep breathing excercising and fists. It'll be better by the morn.

Tornados. Holy shit we almost had one. I was playing the sims and my ma called and told me a tornado warning was up. I was calm till she said it was on robinhood and yadkinville road. Then I freaked, hung up the phone, and put the pigs and the cats downstairs. It was killer to get all them down and almost impossible to get Meeco. My lungs were burning by the time I grabbed my pictures and my special box. I looked outside and it was scary. After it passed and all(no tornado but super close to getting one. Funnel clouds and wall clouds) the pets were back upstairs I just felt like I had to go outside and I went out on the wet lawn (w/o shoes on stupid) and there was this brilliantly red cloud coming strait outta the rest of the grey and black blouds. I ran in to get the camera cept the battery was dead. But that picture is now embedded in my mind forever. It was so amazing. And weird. But very pretty.

I went to the movies on wednesday with the girls. I think Allie is pissed at me cause I told her to bring her skirt up cause her flab was hanging out. It was gross. Still an extremely cute skirt. I went to starbucks with them the next day. So pretty before the storm hit. We had a blast thern walked Victorias dogs around. I felt bad cause Iwas supposed to invite taylor and rachel over to walk her dogs the next day (today) but my ma doesn't like me walking to her house so I just went when she was sleeping and took care of her dogs. I hope they understand. v.v

Gaia update. Another easter things coming. A new cat was introduced as a donation gift. Really cute. I'll save up and get it someday. And I joined another guild. Thats what the other post was. My rp example on how I use my power and how well I can rp. Frankly I'm proud just wish I used a differen p.o.v.

No this sucks. I left my AIM on and Glenn finally got on and im'ed me. But I wasn't there cause I left for Victorias. So I think he thinks I'm pissed at him. But Why he has been gone is cause hes in the Carribien and left saturday morning. Doesn't cover the other days but oh well.

Well I am spending Easter with the Konzcals. It seems I spend every freakin holiday cept Christmas with them. Sad. Except I didn't spend thanksgiving over there this year. I think. I'll look back and check. I can believe I've had this for so long. Added with my old Xanga blog I have been doing this since august. I gotta go back read everything someday. And I also have to clean alot before bed.

Good news! I still feel really weird but slightly less violent. Sorta. Fuck it I stil wanna bite something or punch something. Oh well. Night.

Just in case

2005-03-22T15:53:00.000-05:00

Dang. That was the most indepth explanation on magic I have ever read, let alone seen. Seriously ya'll need an award for that. Okie dokie now an rp example. I'm just gonna shoot for mind here. There didn't seem to be many users of it though I might be wrong there. Hey it's worth a shot. ^_^

Breathing deeply, she held her dearest cat close and sprinted from the raging mob that was overtaking the once peaceful small town. Entering the closest dark ally, she frantically looked for the familiar door that led into an abandoned bakery. Torchlights reflected off the wet walls as the chaotic mass neared closer, bringing the noise to a deafening cresendo. Finally finding the door she rammed it with her shoulder, falling on her side in the process, and having the cat freak out digging its nails into her arm. Ignoring the pain she stiffly got up and limped towards a ladder, climbing it as fast as she could. Her head slammed the ceiling above and opened the trap door above her, through which she climbed hastily. Finding a dark corner she sat down and calmed the cat till it released her arm. The red glinted in the light coming through the windows from what she hoped was just the burning torches below. "Focus. Calm Down. Breathe."
Breathing steadily she closed her eyes and allowed her entire body to go limp. Sensing the energy flowing through her body she focused on her feet and slowly, but carefully, gathered it then moved upward, adding more to it until everything was focused in a small tight mass based around her head. Sensing the cat nearby she forced her energy into the cats mind, quickly overtaking its actions, and senses.
She twitched in the new body and looked over at her own to make sure it would be safe. A loud yell echoed through the open window as she jumped down to the outcropped roof. She carefully ran across the roof to the far edge. A mix of fright and awe filled her as she looked down at the torch weilding people who surrounded a group of the villagers, most whom were cowering in fear. She saw her mother and brother in the group.
As though everything was in slow motion she leapt to the ground as the mob rushed in and threw their torches onto the screaming people. Dodging through the crowd she saw her mother holding her brother, both were on fire and screaming. Then a sharp blow hit the cats head she rushed out of the cat, flying back to her own body. As she settled back in to her own body, a gasp escaped her lungs and with the chaotic mass screaming below no one heard her miserable screams.

Sorry. Did not expect for it be that long :XP I would've put the casting in italics but I am not really sure if it'd work in here. Or if the casting was done correctly. Either way, here it is and if I'm accepted or not I just have to say this really is an amazing guild. *salutes and then hides*

Dratted Scanner!!gets her rubber duck army to attack it

2005-03-21T22:43:00.000-05:00

Mood-Rargh!!

"In the shadows of tall buildings
Of open arches endlessly kneeling
Sonic landscapes echoing vistas
Someone is listening from a safe distance
The line moves slowly into a fading light
A final moment in the dead of the night

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is"

Thats a damn good song. Lydia wanted it on a cd I made for her a long time ago but I couldn't find. This year at the WTW reatreat I gave her the mp3 with the song. She told me that it was played at a funeral. I forgot who it was. But today has been a good day till just about now. I drew an amzing blagskin. Seriously it looks like my desk at school. But my damn scanner isn't working. Rargh. I'll have to poke it tommorow but I drew a note book with doodles on the top page, my p3 player, a cd, a pencil and a school desk with things I see alot on them usually. Had a wee bit to much fun making convorsations on my desk though. I'll probaly add more to it. Maybe a pack of gum would be nice. I already got a piece of candy. And I got bored and drew a weird ass five dollar coin. I already have it planned out I just need the pic scanned and uploaded then I can work on the code. Something tells me I'm gonna have this skin for awhile once its loaded. If I'm really lucky it might get good on blogskins though I doubt it. Can't wait till its up ^_^

Today lets see. Woke up at 7 after going to bed round 2am. My ma gave me some really bad biscutville. I think I almost vomited it up. Then I got up worked on the badge which I got 30 min ago. Cleaned a little got dressed and opened my window. Then I listened to music and finished Cosmopolitan Girls. Damn good book btw. Saw the mail main and took wade outside while I read the mail. Had him visit the magnolia tree and ashton's grave. He got real quiet after that. I think he smelled him. But then Erika snuck up behind me and she invited me over to her house. We played The Sims 2 till 3:30 in which wade peed three times during those hours. Thankfully on the towel though. Afterward I came home worked on the badge some more then floated to my room and started on the blog which just started as writing the word blog pretty and then adding a box around it which turned into more words, a note book, pencil, cd, mp3 so on and so forth. I'm proud. Came back worked on the badge some more and got the sucker then tried loading up the pic and no dice v_v damn printer scanner thing. *kicks it then realizes she has no shoes on* Owie!!

List of Internet Comics I read!
http://www.squidi.net- Squidi!(squeezes mini hector plushie) Weekdaily
http://www.chugworth.com- Chugworth(XD), mon, wed, and fri
http://www.misfiles.com- Misfiles(awesome man, pure comedy) M,W, + F
http://www.megatokyo.com- Megatokyo!!!(*Squeals* I love his art) Randomly I think
http://www.bleedman.sanfu-comic.com- PPG Doujinshi(or something of the sort) Gorgeous pictures and amazing storyline. Only on Sundays though.

Vampire Books Rock

2005-03-20T23:28:00.000-05:00

Mood-Sleepy, thirsty, and wiped

"He had just started to back up inside when he felt his head jerk backward. Someone had grabbed his hair. James let out a shout as whoever-or whatever-it was yanked his head farther back. In a moment James found himself face-to-face with a vampire. The monster had decended from the roof and now hung, suspended, directly outside James's window.
In an instant James took in the alabaster skin, the glittering green eyes. He sucked in his breath-he knew this vampire.
It was himself"-Vampire Dreams

How sucky would that be to be a vampire and then have a dream in which you see a murder and see yourself hanging out the window. It probaly was himself coming to terms with the fact he is a vamp. But man then he wakes up and sees his cat(friend for 5 yrs) drained and dead. Course it was all alistiars fault but he didn't know that. Plain horrible. Great book though. With 1000 SAT vocab words. And they arn't kidding. I didn't know half-the words on some pages. It rocked.

Today has been dull and restful. All I did today was clean the kitchen and get a badge for ma. Took a bath too but then got back into my pj's. Once more I am in this empty house alone. With the window open. Hello horror movie in which someone gets killed/bit/maimed. Lovely eh? I started reading another book. Cosmopolitan Girls. And I forgot to call Katy. I bet shes pissed that I haven't sceduled a practice time. I'll find her number and call tommorow. We gotta work on that dam nduet. Otherwise I'll try alone but she's got the actual music. Ugh. I knew I shoudl've bought it. Damn

And on top of it all I have talked to no one today except for a formal conversation with Victoria. I do hope shes not mad at me for some reason. Maybe she found out that I went to Cats. Frankly this whole high school drama shit is annoying the hell outta me. What a waste of time and energy.

Oh gosh I know this song I do and I know transplants wrote another song I was obbsessed with for a while. Gosh I can't remember it but this song is called Diamonds and guns. Hopefully I'll remember the song. I think it started with a t. Hey 1 chance outta 26 v_v

Speaking of remembering I had a dream last night and then had another one and forgot the first one. Sucky eh? And worst parts I only remember part of it.

I'm where the group usually meets in the mornings between the art and math class rooms near the corner. Its raining really hard outside and the rooms have no lights on. I don't see anyone but I know someones there. And that I know them pretty well. Least thats how it felt. I go to the door but then the glass part of it turns black(I hate black windows) and I can't see out of it but I see its still raining out the other windows. So I walked to the next door and the black fades from the other window to this one. I try the big windows and then break through one of them and go out side but I still feel someones there and I walk to table and theres a person sitting there that I should know but I don't. The weird thing was that he was dry when I was soaking from the rain.

That must seem like alot but it really didn't seem to be that long. It just felt weird. And I swear I knew that person. Oh well. Course this could'ver just been fabricated in my mind to cover up the other dream or something werid like that *steals the psych. book again*

Well I'm wiped and gotta pee like a racehorse. I've been thirsty alot today. I think I might be gettign sick or something. Probaly shouldn't have walked that long when it was chilly. Enjoyed it though. Oh well. Night then.

*falls asleep on the keyboard*

AND I STILL HAVEN"T FOUND A GOOD PIC TO BUILD A BLOG ROUND!! RARR!!
If only I knew who drew this one cause I'd love to see more. Hell if this pic wasn't already played with I'd use it.
Night,
Jillian ^_^

No Dice, No Rain, Two Books, Two Movies

2005-03-19T23:29:00.000-05:00

Mood-Mixed

"He the one who likes all our pretty songs
And he, likes to sing along
And he likes to shoot his gun
But he don't know what it means
Don't know what it means when I say no"

Well glen never got on. I couldn't find his phone number and I don't know roberts to ask. Gosh that stinks though. I wonder where hes been. Maybe he's mad that I couldn't go with his family to lunch. Frankly idk. Pretty sure his ma would remember me though XP And his sister probaly would remember mine. Ugh. I think I'm just gonna say no to guys for this school year. After the John thing, and I have something to write on what he did at the band thing, I really am just not gonna mess with guys. I mean since I haven't worried about guys, my grades have been going up and now things just are looking up. I feel happier just being friends with folks. At least a little safer. I just hate not feeling like I have control over myself. And guys just fuck me up. It's scary when you can't control your actions or your thoughts.

Anyhoo bout John. He took a bet that he could make out with ten girls by the end of the trip. And he did. What an ass. I am so happy I broke up with him and he doesn't like cat anymore btw. Definently needs a reality check there. Someday I hope he gets a bout of instant karma to smack him in the face. But its not my call to make and I am not taking it into my hands. I know of no one who deserves to be shot down and trampled. Course I have a tendency not ot see the bad in people that apparently everyone has. Guess I missed on that sight. Just like the whole nathan, and justin and now apparently glen thing. People told me bad things about them and they even told me themselves but frankly if they can admit to their wrongdoings then they have a clean slate. But what do I know. I'm the naive teenager in the horror movies who gets killed, bit, or maimed XD
Go figure I'm a dark empty house on a saturday night. Perfect for a scary movie about someone coming in sneaking up on her while shes at the comp and she gets killed, bit, or maimed. How lovely.

But today I have walked over 3 miles, have seen two "scary" movies, and got two books to read(Vampire Dreams and Cosmopolitan girl) Mainly I was online early n'all to see if he'd get on but no dice. Cat invited me over but my sis wouldn't give me a ride. So I canceled and waited for him a while longer. Then Victoria calls and invites me over. I walk to her house then we walk to lowes, mr. lu's and Ekcards(sp?) and get lunch then go back to her house and eat it while watching the grudge. Afterward we talk and play TS2 a little but then I just felt someone wanted me at home or it was gonna rain or something.

It was weird but I walked home. Apparently Cat called just around the time I felt I needed to head home. Kinda funny there. I called her back and checked to see if he was on again(no dice) Her parents said they could give me a ride home. So whitney took me over with some cajoling and two dollars. We watched a thing on the ring 2 (awesome!!!) and then played ddrm2 for a while then watched Underworld. That movie kicks ass. I enjoyed it. Those movies just make you happy I guess. Good ending though they should've kissed dammit! It would've been perfect. Aragh!!! Darn movie film director script people thingies.

Now he stilled hasn't been on so oh well. I'm heading off soon. Totaly wiped and itching to start reading those books. Night folks.

*evil person sneaks in and kills, bites, or maims me*
jk

Cursed, Scars, The Ring and the Cult thats growing

2005-03-18T23:43:00.000-05:00

Mood-A little Scared but Happy

"I'm having trouble trying to sleep
I'm counting sheep not running down
as time tick by, still I try
No rest but ? ? in my mind
...
My eyes feel like the're gonna bleed
Right out and bulging down my skull
My mouth is dry, my face is numb
???"-Sugarcult-???

I'll figure out the lyrics to that song later. Bruise count-11! Yay! What fun. I love poking bruises. And picking scabs. Though thats how you gets scars. But man sometimes I'll just have random cuts and scrapes and don't even see them till the're healed. And some I don't even remember when they appeared. Like theres two cuts on my chest I've had for as long as I know, the ones on my right arm that probaly was from one of the animals, and I just noticed I have a really long scar on the top inside of my left arm going from a little above the elbow to bout an inch and a half to my shoulder. Isn't it fun to look at past injuries? I was gonna count all my freckles but once I got to my face I kinda gave up. Once I had bout 23 misqito bites. Darn girl scout camp. :p

Well today has been pretty good. Sorta. Kinda. I woke up round one oh yea I have a dream. I actually had a dream before it but I kinda forgot it when trying to remember the other ones. I woke up and fell asleep I think. Here they are

"I'm with Victoria and we are going down the old chorus and band hallway to the cafeteria. I ask her if she knows we are in the band hall way and she says yes. Then our middle school cafeteria is on our left but everything in this whole part of the dream is in a blue tint. We go in and everybody looks weird. We sit down then my seats taken so we go to another spot and start on Mr. smiths hw which happens to be TKAM worksheets on who said what and where. Then it flips to another place in the school where the dude from the comic, Tein the elf guy, is talking with a teacher and is explaining how magic is real and can be used in another thing. Anyway it was reall confusingand his hair hid his ears but then the teacher takes some of his hair and you see his ears and then he takes out his spinal cord. I kinda rewinded it back(idk how) and made it so that he just ran into a closet then I woke up."

Well anyhoo I got on and then kinda floated away eating waffles. Then I went out and spread top soil on the garden. We need to get more top soil and some plants. But my ma got bitchy cause I left the bottom door open. Mainly I spent the rest of the day in my room watching mtv and drawing. Then I got online and invited Victoria over but she invited me to dinenr and we went to tripps. Came back to her house played TS2 for a cit then watched the ring.

The Ring. The ring 2 came out today. Apparently the critics hate it and say its repetitive. Anyway we'll see it eventually. Not next wk though. The week after. Next wk idk what we'll see. I suggested reseeing Cursed(I <3 that movie!) and cat said that'd rock but the majority of the group arn't probaly gonna agree. And majority rules usually. Or the first person called. I gotta get that soundtrack man.

Ok back to the ring. We saw it again. Victoria said it sucked and that she wasn't that scared. Somehow I think its cause the lights were on, half of the time she was looking through her finger or she was online talking to matt. Kinda kills the experience. But I found this website called www.she-is-here.com and apparently there really is a tape and all these people see these things. It's either an alborate and well-thought out hoax, or there really is a tape and a cult thats growing. Creepy.

But I'm kinda sad though. Remember glen invited me to a church thing on saturday? Well he never really gave me any details. So I think he might've backed out. Which sucks. Course I also never gave him my phone number. Not a bright idea. Ah well. Hopefully he'll be on tommorrow. We'll see. Hell a girls gotta hope.

Nigth folks *passes out on the comp*

Seven Days XD

Wow. An Elf in the Girls Bathroom XD

2005-03-17T22:57:00.000-05:00

Mood-Happy and Sore

Today is a comic bit

Now that comic is cracking the hell outta me. I just was checking up on megatokyo and I saw the banner and clicked it. The story is hilarious. It's about a lazy girl who gets taken to another world by an elf(He got her in the showers XD) then she stumbles upon a soceress(sp?) and then a goyle attacks them and eventually she comes back to school except shes in the soceresses body(btw the S. is an elf) It is hilarious. And its just a plus that the tien is a cutie. Course with the hat on he's just some video gamer who put the triforce on his shirt upside down(Zelda! *cracks up even more*) Without the hat he is a cutie. His brother is a little overdramatic, and a little hot but seriously its his little bro thats cute. Man elves rock. It's gotta be the ears I swear.

Well aside from the comic bit today has been uhh interesting. I woke up to see snow on the ground, a nice dusting then I go back to sleep and it raining with no snow on the ground. Total bummerino. But hey I gotta watch the snow fall, I am happy for it. Finally the smell of snow and yet another picture permentaly loged in my brain on snow. Actually I only have about 5 permant pictures specially this one winter I was coming up from putting trash away and it was like a blizzard. Course I was a little kid and just sat in the snow having a staring fit while memorizing the picture. Good times.

But afterward I just cleaned some things, did the dishes, got bitched at for not doing the laundry(curse you laundry!!! and its my sisters too -_-;) and just chilled. Caroline was supposed to come over but her ma decided last minute that she didn't want my sis to take her to bryans party so that was a bummer. And also my sister bitching at me kinda sucked. I talked to Glenn and Caroline. He was hungry ^_^ That cracks me up. His family and he went to Chiles. He invited me but I had to decline cause I already was promised to Caroline for the afternoon even though it didn't work out. Always keep your promises. It was a slow convorsation but I was kinda still sleeping and thats how I was during the whole day. And this I realized. When I am in my dreamstatish awakie bit I am either very docile or very violent. And that came out at the party. But of course its half moon and I'm always a little wacked round then. I think other people have that issue too.

The party. Wow. Lets just say I got my head smashed more then once in dog piles and other activities. Mainly bryan invited one other guy and a bunch of girls and when Cats there, most folks Dirty Dance. And I mean dirty. So the're grinding on eachother, and I'm just watching the guys who have smiles on their faces. Yea you could tell that they enjoyed watching girl on girl action. Anyhoo I called them out for it and they jsut laughed. Mainly they danced for awhile, as the rest of us goofed off.

During this time I stuck my upper torso outta a high up window and I also played "Throw the glowsticks in the roofs gutter system!" I got one in but it bounced out. Then I threw the bean bag out the window to see what would happen. Then I almost jumped outta the window to see if the bean bag would cushion my fall. They stopped me there. Probaly for the best. And we had many many dogpiles.One of them I couldn't breathe literatly and someone kicked my head. But it wasn't as bad as kicking bryan 3 times in the nuts and matt once. I accidently hurt Deanna though pretty bad. She got on top ofme and I went back and kicked. Then Cat hit her and yea. Her back and neck hurt badly. I gave her some Ice and a back massage. Shes still sore but a heck of a lot better.

I ate more then everybody though XP Felt like a pig. We talked about things that sounded gross but were really good at the table. That was interesting. Damn my neck hurts. It'll be better in the morning. After some ib profin(sp?) We played truth or dare(I was the only one who chose truth the first round. Somethings wrong there) and a really sick game inthe dark where they pass the glowsticks with mouths(didn't participate considering those were the glowsticks that fell in the mud, gutter, and dog poo) Instead I popped in reanimation and danced. It's weird. I can dance for such a long time in the dark and get really super hyper. But once the lights were on I just kinda layed on the floor. Oh well. I can dance to linkin park, that I can do. And its not grinding dancing either which I enjoy. Though I can dirty dance. We watched Heavy Metal Makeover. The guy needed to ditch the make up and the mesh fishnet and he would've been hot. He had abs man. Wow.

Victoria gave me a ride home. I tried playing pogo for my ma but seriously this mouse sucks ass and I'm not even gonna try. I got a few more things, I'll work on it later. And Now I am wiped and still have to do dishes. So nighty night folks.

Whos in the mood for a hotsauce turkey balogna snadwich in waffles?

Opposite reactions create opposite effects?

2005-03-16T23:13:00.000-05:00

Mood-Ecstatic

"I'm so happy cause today I found my friends
The're in my head
I'm so ugly but thats okay cause so are you
We broke our mirrors
Monday Morning is everyday for all I care
And I'm not scared"~Lithium-Nirvana

Today actually was a pretty cruddy day till the end. Kinda the opposite of yesterday I guess. I woke up and thought it was gonna be a good day. My ma awoke me and told me my grams was gonna give me her buick when I turned 15. And the best part of it is...it's paid in full!!! Which is always is the most important thing with a car. I just hope it isn't a gas guzzler. My grams hasn't driven it over 7000 miles yet! She can't drive well. But her hip operation went perfectly and shes healing without complications. I'm so happy for her. I hope my mas knee operation will do just as well.

My sis dragged me to the Y and then we didn't want to go in. So we made a promise to never go when it's rainy and always go if its sunny. Cloudy days are optional. And Caroline said that its supposed to snow tommorow. She was gonna come to my house round 9:30 cause tommorows the only day shes gonna be here till the end of spring break. I wonder if Bryan invited her to the party. I do hope so. We promised we'd meet tommorow even if we gotta walk. I swore I would meet her half-way and we can walk back to my house. Anyway my sis and I got Zacks and blasted the heat while listening to summer music. I was cracking up but my ice cream melted all over my hand. ^_^ I was happy licking it off. I swear they got the best icecream ever. Gotta get a new blogskin remember that. This ones screwy. Probaly gonna make one soon anyways. Hey it's spring break times on my side. Anyhoo then cat called and invited me to Bryans party. Totaly psyched there. I hope its fun though I need to get his address though. I'll call him tommorow.

Guess what though. I wiped the hard drive off and installed everything again today. It's working like a charm. I think we had an unknown virus or something. Or Norton was fucking up things. Either way it works. We need a new mouse though. I think someone spilled something on it. The left clicker is screwy. I'll switch it with my comps later and check. But I'm rather ashamed at how long it took me to do it. 7hrs and 24 minutes. I've done that in 2hrs before. Course this also involved going out for icecream and the Y but still. Next time I'll try for a better time. Man I wanna go running right now. Just in that type of mood. I finally redid my profile. Here it is.

"Remember that the Moon always comes back from the darkness"

"Goodnight, to every little hour that you sleep tite
May it hold you through the winter of a long night
And keep you from the loneliness of yourself"-Goodnight-SP
My Journal
My Top fav Songs from many Artists
California Dreaming- The Mamas and the Papas
Imaginary-Evanescence
Kwrlng-Linkin Park
Cathedrals-Jump, Little Children
No Rain- Bling Melon
Beyond The Gray Sky-311
Silver-Nirvana
Warning- Incubus
Little Red Riding Hood- Bowling For Soup
Broken Hearts and Concrete Floors-Dashboard Confessional
Run-Snow Patrol
Blue and Yellow- The Used
Rainy Day-Guster

I'm happy with it. I would've added more songs but theres a limit to characters. Who cares anyways I doubt anybody even reads it. I installed the sims on the comp. I can't wait to see how it runs on this comp.

Ooo!!! Good news!! I'm so happy. Remember Glen? The guy I talked bout last night. I talked to him today and he invited to me to a movie thingie with popcorn at his church. And he said I was cute. He could've left off the sexy but it was a compliment either way. I just hate getting compliments for things I really don't work for. Yay!!! Sorry just talking to him makes me really happy. I don't know why. I really think I like him. And I need to use less I statements in my blog. Mr. Smith keeps drilling that in our heads. But we talked about plastic popcorn, which was quite interesting, stupid things, buddy icons, midgets, and apparently robert told him I'm Wiccan. He spelled it as wicken. He also misspelled ecxtasy I think. Not sure on that. But I gotta go work on my mas pogo badges.

Night Folks!!

Sims, Rose Red, Man of The House, Sugar, and Meeting folks=Great Day

2005-03-16T00:36:00.000-05:00

Mood-Pleasently Indifferentially Numb

"Without a sense of confidence
I'm convinced that theres just to much pressure to take
I've felt this way before
So insecure"~Kwrling~Linkin Park

Today I thought was gonna be a bad day. I just woke up and felt like it. Course it could've been fro mthe remnants of a dream. Just remeber someone looking for me and running into a mirror, and I couldn't see what was in it and woke up. Thats all I can remember. But surprisingly it turned out to be a really good day till the last half hour it turned wierd. But I'll start from the begining.

Victoria called round 10 and invited me over to watch rose red and hang out. It was a blast. I walked over there listening to Nirvana but then I got lost and apparently was right near her house but took a wrong turn. I knew I should've asked the mail man. So thirty minutes later after walking up and down archer I decided to call her. And I tried the Canninos but they weren't home. I knew I saw them. Just knew I saw them walking up to peace haven. But I stopped at a random house and all these dogs were going crazy but this one that was nearest I went up to and tried petting it but it shut up and backed away. I understand though. Wouldn't want some strange person walking up to me either and holding their hand out to my face. That'd be funny actually. So I knocked on her door and this lady comes and opens the door a crack looks at my dj and eyes me suspiciously. I believe she thought that it was some bomb. But after she gave me her cell and Victoria answered she lightened up and smiled. Then I spent the next ten minutes yelling her name through the neighborhood. We found eachother eventually. It was funny though. On the way back we crossed a neighbors yard and I literaly got talked by their dog. It was a total sweetie though. Just a little too friendly.

When we got back we watched the four hour long rose red. It's a tv movie I think. Anyways. It was such an awesome movie. We started playing the sims 2 near the end. And her dad came in and stared at it. I really don't like him. He icks me. Probaly cause of what Victoria said and partway my dad. Anyhoo we made a new neighborhood and its called Harmony. Then made a family that was just like a stepford family. It was hilarious. We gotta work on it sometime. Maybe we'll get together or something and play it. I'll invite her over sometime and she can play the original one here. And we'll make a family or something. But I stayed for dinner. It was very ummm tense. You could feel it in the air. Gosh I hate dinners like that. Give me a salad and chill on the couch. I will be happy. Gotta feed the pigs remeber that. Wade looked low and I have to find Ivan a spot. Near Wade. Maybe they could lean on eachother and become buddies. This is doubtable though. Sorry of the subject. Afterwards Victoria took a shower and I finished the family then we went to the movie theater.

I knew I should've grabbed my money. I just knew it. I'll pay her back though. We watched Man of the House. It was hilarious. We were the only folks in there side from two girls. Sat by a guy namesglenn whom I call gwen for the heck of it. I told him my name is jillian then courtney then jillian. It was funny. I'm having folks call me that next year. I don't care there are way too many Courtney's. Either way we talked through the entire movie. I love people who talk during movies. It makes things more interesting. Now The two girls. One threw a shoe and someone got it and threw it at taylor. Then I jumped and fell down three chair and got it but now my wrist hurts like a bitch and theres a lovely blood blister on the inside of my thumb. Not that bad for injuries I think. Definently had worse for stupider things. A.k.a breaking my arm doing the macarana. But glenn ran down after I feel and we fought over the shoe. It was funny. He looks mighty strange upside down XD They almost kicked us outta the theater. Afterward we went to Taco Bell and made a racket. I swear this is becomign an awsome ritual but we seriously need to do something cheaper than the movies. Any way it works. Victoria was right my hair is a little dry. Probaly should wash it.

After I came home my ma was leaving for work and so I was left alone. Went online and talked to him after I checked up on squidi and megatokyo. Not gettign on gaia because I forgot to enter my song thing. Course I gotta wipe the computer again so I'll use that as an excuse. It's getting crazy again. I swear this is the 6th time in a year. The process is permently lodged in my brain. But we talked and it went from names, to conditions, to family, the flash sites, to music and movies, to were-wolves, or lycans. He spelled it likons. Guess he never saw it spelled but you never know. He asked if I believed in them and I do ever since Justin. For some reason Glenn reminds me of him. MAybe cause it was the conversation. He thought I was talking bout somebody named zack and I said it was justin and I asked him why? and he got off pretty quickly. Then I was reminded of that night Justin and I were talking and he freaked me out and kept badgering me with questions. He.. it just reminded me of the night with my dad and he was drunk and driving home, then for some reason he turned to me and said you don't even know what you are yet. God I hate that feeling. Thats why I chose that quote. Good song. Man there is way to much confusion but thats life and you gotta get over it and work on living.

My sister came home with kara. They were both high and had the munchies so she has me make a bunch of cheesy scrambled eggs which were really good but she eat 2 waffles and then doesn't eat the eggs. I got so fucking pissed. She had me jump up and make them in five minutes. RARGH!!! But my ma had some and so did I. They were light, fluffy and cheesy. I enjoyed them but I was full from twizzlers at the movies. Still had some saurkraut. I'll make room for that stuff. My ma made food. I clenaed up the kitchen and did the dishes n' all. Overall it was a good night. Cleaning always calms me down. It clears my inscensent(sp?) mental chatter. Gotta work on that. Now I have finally wrote a long and detailed blog and am listening to dashboard confessional and linking park. Yay verily. ^_^

I never did say about the milkshakes did I? Last friday we had a wtw performance and the news was there. I frankly believe it was our best performance ever. It was at wiley and those kids are greedy basterds. They took extra pencils and hand fulls of candy. I also accidently opened my scab and it wouldn't stop bleeding. Just held my tounge to it for five minutes so it would clot. still bled but not nearly as much. Least now I will have a small scar instead of that red dot. I think it was internal bleeding thats been going on for a long time. Hey my wrist/thumb alreayd feel better. Yay for semi-quick healing XD But we went to McDonalds and taylor and I got milkshakes. After we drank them we both felt like shit, and felt we were gonna pass out. We think they spiked them *_* Just goes to show ya how our fast food restuarants are going down hill. Jk.
Well its one and I've spent an hour writing all this so nighty night. I may not be able to write tommarow causeI 'm wiping the drive. It'll go quickly I'm sure.

Night ^_^

Rarr....and dreams

2005-03-14T21:07:00.000-05:00

Mood-Agravated

"And if the answer is no
Can I change your mind"

First off there are way to many people with my name. Why couldn't my ma just say name her gillian instead of telling my dad to go and name her whatever. Rargh! Theres Courtnye Bowing, Courtney Witington, Courtney Bass, then the 5 other Courtney's that are big in the popular crowd. God its annoying. I need to get a nickname or something. Next year I'm having people call me Gillian.

Well today has been another roller coaster. People ditched out on going to the mall. Rargh. And I gotta record a thing for gaia. Is there some post pmsing thing I'm missing cause I think I got it. And I really want to bid on the sims 2 on ebay. Its 8 dollars 5 s&h. That is a damn good deal. And on the special edition too. Pimpin. And I got a butt load of dreams to type. I'll type them in chronological order.

"(Can't rember much of this one) I'm at a movie awards show wearing a red dress but the seats are too small and they are blue. We are sitting in the middle and its a small theater type place but we have a table on our laps and my friend is cutting up a yellow, white, pink, and green pill into fourths and giving them to me."

Next one

"It was a nice spring day and I cleaned and mowed the lawn. John came and was gonna have a party and had a black t-man looking party planner. They put up an orange sign on the porch. I didn't want them to have a party but they were ignoring me and they knew I didn't want them to do it. I went to the kitchen and looked out and there was mcdonalds on the table. Then I go down stairs and everything is crazy, purplish, blue, flashing and technoish. Its like a cartoon flash film. Then I wake up."

"We're in this boarding school and they are rounding up students. These students are stuck on a bench and the tall prefect type people or secret cops in the students are looking for us. we are in the library and we run through the door and there is one of them so we run back inside and they see us so we bash through the student cop guy. All the student cop people are in red uniforms. Then there are people hididng in lockers and everythings tinted red. I jump through a sheet thing into an empty stair square hottub and hide in the bottom with Nathan. One of them comes and looks in on us and smiles evilly then goes away. So I get up grab my stuff and try running away from this place but I messed with the machine shooting at people and made things worse. So I comes back from the hills (konzcals house type feeling with the hills o.O ) and they take me into the base of operations and explain there plan to me and ask me how I got away and why did I come back. Wakie then."

Last Night's Dream

"My friends and I went to the mountains cause we had to do something so we could save this girl higher in another mountain range. It's the alps and we are in a ski lodge except its a metal prison institution and people are kept in lockers. Everyones afraid of this one guy who we gotta free and eventually we do that after going down the line. So everyone looks at him in aw and he looks alot like my friend Sam. But hes just depressed that no one will come near him. So I see him in the resturant with my friends up a snow hill and I climb up there to talk to him but when I get up there, I realize I forgot the girl. So we rush over there to find we were an hour too late and shes dead. We go to see the girl and wake up."

Dreaming like crazy lately I guess. That last one freaked me out though O.o It was scary and reminded me of the ring a little bit. I'm off later folks

Hmmm...

2005-03-12T00:18:00.000-05:00

Mood- Melencholy

"One for the money two for the fucking show
Ready, get set, lets go."

The weirdest thing just happened. I was totaly happy and then all of the sudden I just feel like theres something I lost or a great sense of loss. I hope nothing bads happened. 12:13 in the morning but I'm sticking it under the 12th not the thirteenth

I went and watched the forgotten over at victorias. Weird ass movie. We called Matt and Robert. It was a pretty crazy convorsation. Before I went I ran for 30 minutes. Yea I am proud but apparentlymy bra wasn't good and I was as pink as a hot dog. XP

Well totaly wiped here. Sry for the short post.

Night.

Okay so yea...I'm behind...

2005-03-11T20:13:00.000-05:00

Mood- Meh.

Your Inner Muse is Urania

You are most like this muse of astronomy.

Your head is in the stars, and you look to the future.

You give off a heavenly, mysterious vibe.

And you're not too bad at predicting the future.

What Muse Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

"And I, I have a very talented therapist. Come on girls we are in our prime!"~1st Wives Club

Yea I'm behind. And I know it. No pushy. No time good stories though. I just hopr I remeber them.

Mcdonalds spikes their milkshakes XD Will explain later.

Lists XP

2005-03-04T16:42:00.000-05:00

Mood-Overwhelmed

Pussy? Okay everyone search for pussy! Here pussy, pussy, pussy!!~Charmed Life XD

Okay I have no time for life. I've been wanting to write in here for the last week and guess what. I have no time! So lists it is.

Interesting Things
Gaia got houses
I'm back in runescape
Johns rp charecter is wearing pick O.o
I can't spell
Did my project this morning and rocked at the presentation (I swear its creepy how alike my person and I are O.o)
Rered a butt load of big books
Went psycho
And then again
Had a mental health day
Translated 20 dreams from friends
Had a epiphony on guys
Went pyscho again
Cleaned
Cleaned
Saw Cursed
Fell in love with the movie (It made me really happy and scared at the same time)
Cleaned
Was told to Clean some more
Started looking at plants for the garden
Cleaned
Picked out a rug
Made pancakes
Woke up at 3am O.O
Cleaned
Made pancakes
And performed various minor miracles
Also got hit on by a stranger.

How interesting

No Commentio

2005-02-24T18:47:00.000-05:00

Mood- ARGH!!!!!!!

""Hang 'Em High"

Wait until it fades to black
Ride into the sunset
Would I lie to you?
Well, I've got something to say
Grab your six-gun from your back
Throttle the ignition
Would I die for you?
Well here's your answer in spades

Shotgun sinners
Wild eyed jokers
Got you in my sights
Gun it while i'm holding on

After all is said and done
Climb out from the pine box
Well I'm asking you
'Cause she's got nothing to say
The angels just cut out her tongue
Call her black Mariah
Would I lie to you?
That girl's not right in the brain

Mass convulsions
Strike the choir
By the grace of God
Gun it while I'm holding on

But don't stop if I fall
And don't look back
Oh baby don't stop
Bury me and fade to black

She won't stop me put it down
She won't stop me put it down
She won't stop me put it down
So get your gun and meet me by the door
[x3]

She won't stop me put it down
She won't stop me put it down
She won't stop me put it down
So baby...

Don't stop if I fall
And don't look back
Oh baby don't stop
Bury me and fade to black
[x2]"

I seriously am wondering If I am bipolar or something. Wil lgo steal y sises pychology book :)

I'm Happy over Gilmore Girls? How Sad XD

2005-02-22T21:08:00.000-05:00

Mood-Happy

"See I reckon you're about an 8 or a 9,
Maybe even 9 and a half in four beers time.
That blue top shop top you've got on IS nice,
Bit too much fake tan though - but yeah you score high.

But theres just one little thing that really really,
Really really annoying me about you you see,
Yeah yeah like i said you are really fit
But my gosh don't you just know it

I'm not trying to pull you
Even though i would like to
I think you are really fit
You're fit But my gosh dont you know it

Oh what do i give .. i've got a girlfirend anyway
(whoa, we've all had a drink mate)
We're all a bit drunk, yeah we've had a few fair play
I got this stella i bombed from that last cafe
This nights not even begun, yes yes oh yay"

Yea Yea List update.

Update
Spirix got hacked and no news on that
Obbsessed with gaia again (found a great thread)
John apparently doesn't like Caroline(I feel so bad for her, she really did like him)
A friend of Carolines and a minor aquantince of mine found his dad dead(omg thats just horrible.)
I have done no W.H. hw in the last two weeks (yea I'm scared now)
Have some math hw with my name on it
Got three Ideas for books(Now I just need some notebooks and pencils)
I lost my yellow notebook(Oh god that has all the songs I wrote! Its like my diary but it ryhmes and isn't this)
Johns in my math group(Wasn't here today but yea I'm really close to ripping his head off)
Deanna gave Bryan a hj(So pissed and ashamed in her)
I Got REALLY happy over a gilmore girls episode.(Almost as happy as Trigun episodes make me)
Our house might be foreclosed
I gtg

You have got to be kidding me

2005-02-20T22:06:00.000-05:00

Got this on a personality quiz

You're an Angel! You're super cute not to mention
Opstimistic! You love anything having to do
with Bunnies/Kitties/anything cute. You're very
fun to be around, Even if you get mad, Everyone
still thinks it's cute! Lucky you!

What Kind of Girl are you? (anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Pretty pic though

Gotta type my dream real quick

I was walking down a road and I go into a linkin park concert and they were expecting me. They dress me up as the cat in the hat and I party with them on stage but then I have to leave so I run away and everyone goes quiet. I see their buss and I see people I know around it but I pass them and continue on down the road. There was more after that but I can't remeber.

And I keep having these dreams about dark jesters and somebody is angry and misses me but wants me to speak though for some reason I just stare into the mists and stay silent. And once more dreams confound me even more XP

What the heck

2005-02-19T11:33:00.000-05:00

Mood- Weird

"I don't even try
Clouds are coming
Air gets heavy
Looks like trouble on a rainy day
Sun starts singing
Can't see my shadow
Looks like trouble on a rainy day
Holes uncovered
Walls will crumble
All spells trouble on a rainy day"

I was listening to that song, and all of the sudden it felt like it was summer. Again. I wanted to go and dive of a boat, go swimming, play ddr and clean. How weird is that? Last time that happened was the 3rd, and cause I love the moon so much I checked the lunar calender and this is what I realized. You take the moon from the 3rd and today, put them together, and you got a full moon. That is so funny! I swear these half-moons are making me go crazy. Ah well. Well I have to go cleaning just Figured I'd write that.

Meh...

2005-02-18T22:07:00.000-05:00

In your eyes, people see shards of ice
everywhere... You are cold and distant, pushing
away people that love you and truely care for
you! You want to be able to reach out and love
them but... You can't for some reason... You're
just too.... You :P Underneath that cold
exterior lies a warm, happy soul that wants to
let loose and have fun! Your sanctuary would
probably be anywhere up high where you can look
down on life below you, like the roof of an
apartment building... Your eyes resemble a
saddened, crestfallen person seeking out
attention, but doesn't know how to handle it.
However, you do find comfort from your friends,
they're always there for you, and they know the
REAL you :) Even though you do seem rather
cold, you can be very protective over something
you truely believe in or love. Let go of that
"tough" rep and just be you! It's
impossible to live life without some fun and
love ^-^

What Lies Behind Your Eyes? (With Pics, See All Results!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmm.....

2005-02-17T17:42:00.000-05:00

Mood-Weird

When we were at the retreat, we (Lynn and I) were praying for you and we wanted you to see some of the things we were praying. When you pray, sometimes you see pictures in your head that God gives you, to help you pray. These are some of the things we got from God to help us pray for you. Also, you can take a look in your bible at the scripture referenced.

I hope it blesses you. Please take it to heart and hold onto it as this is really straight from God's heart to you. :)

ashley

Courtney

Special to God

Isaiah 58: 1, 2, 10, 11, 8

Thank you, Lord that Courtney is not afraid to shout Your praises to the nation and to people seeking You out. I pray that You guard, satisfy, and strengthen her. That she will become like a well watered garden, like spring, whose waters that never fail. Let Your light come forth like the break of day. Heal her in every way Lord. I pray your glory be her protector, in the name of Jesus.

Ashely sent that. I just felt weird when I read it. Kinda like when you are zoning and its like your floating outta your body XP Bad example. No time to write. night!

No Matter What You Say It Hurts All The Same

2005-02-15T17:25:00.000-05:00

Mood-Melencholy

"Hold on when you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop searching your one step closer
Don't stop living its not over
Hold on"
"Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things fly by so carelessly

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

And someone is calling my name
From the back of the restaurant
And someone is playing a game
In the house that I grew up in
And someone will drive her around
Down the same streets that I did"

Two Songs Today. It's just that kinda day.

Yep. I have to say that even though I'm pretty much over John, it still hurts to see him with other girls. Specially if that happens to be my best friend. Even more so if I see them at the begining and end of everyday flirting with eachother. Isn't life wonderful. Still I'll put on my happy face and say I think they should go out and blah de blah.

Just as always. I don't know now it seems awkward between Caroline and I now. I don't want it to be like that. Not Friendly. -_- But as long as she likes him and he likes her then its fine. I mean apparently shes liked him for a while so whats so bad about it. Hello I broke up with him and such. I shouldn't care. I won't care. I really need to write that word down and burn it among other things. It still hurts no matter what you say. Guys suck.

I think I'll just swear off guys for a while. Cause seriously I feel like I'm in Seventh Grade again. I just hope it won't turn out like that hellish year. The year I started cutting, commited suicide, had my dad leave, had my paranoid grampa move in, got my first D on a report card, almost lost the house even looked at potential apartments, and more horrors. I know there are people out there worse off. So I should be happy. Guess I'm just a spoiled little bitch after all. But least I'm not as bad as my sister. We all have our reasons. We all do things.

My ma wants me to go to Firespark!. Honestly I highly doubt they'd let me in. But she insistent. It seems like fun. I just need to study it some more and I think I jsut pulled a muscle in my neck because it hurts really bad when I move and now it hurts just being still. Ow ow ow ow ow. Still sore from skiing. I feel mainly when I was on level ground. Really funny XD. I had one bad fall though when I was going super fastand couldn't stop. Went strait into a bank. I think thats where I hurt my neck.

The trip was so much fun. And I met these two awsome guys. One of thems name was erik and I don't know the others. But they were so funny! We met in the tubing line. Joked around about how people would stop or fall. It was good. And We went down all the blues and green slopes. Were gonna go down a black diamond but decided to leave that for next time. And Next time I am so getting blades. Probaly wouldn't fall as much on those instead of skis. Though I'd need the poles the first time.

Well I'm off. Night folks. I hope things get better soon. They have to, right?

And Heres To My Least Favorite Holiday!

2005-02-14T06:06:00.000-05:00

I'm Not Okay(I Promise)Well if you wanted honesty, That's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks,
For photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second story?

I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
You wear me out.

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but still don't know what they mean
To be a joke and look
Another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time
Take a good hard look!

I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
You wear me out.

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took?
You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed

I'm okay.
I'm okay!
I'm okay, yeah
(I'm okay, yeah)

wish you were really hear listening to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I realize I'm okay!
(Trust me.)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

Great Song. I have a good idea for a blogskin. Sorry for not writing much. Computer time is very limeted.

Happy Hour?

2005-02-10T18:41:00.000-05:00

Mood-Calm

"She was a goddess
With a world inside of her mind"

I offcially have no time to write my blog. XP I've either been on spirix, writing papers, making graphics, checking things, cleaning things, doing hw ARGH!!! Its crazy! But I'm happy. Though I've been surprisingly calm all afternoon. Strange. If anyone knows me they know I'm a ball of energy bounding across the ceiling XD And I think I'm gonna make another skin, more summery. I love winter but I'm in a cheery mood. Cause I honestly believe I am over John. Felt nothing towards him but friendship. Course I think hes still avoiding me. But he was there early in the morning once and there was no weirdness. Hell I even spoke to him! So alls good there I think.

Well Carolines offcially no bi anymore. Parently she had a horrifingy scary dream that convinced her that she shouldn't be bi. Whatever. I frankly don't care, whatever floats her boat. And I made some bags and am currently working on a shirt for spirix. Theres a new avie. Totaly cute. Needs different eyes for the guy though.

Oh! The retreat thing was so much fun! Some quick things about it. We had a few talks with people on marrige and sex, had alot of sugar and pizza, had a boat float out on the lake(IT WANS"T ME I'M INNOCENT lol) and just had a blast. It's so nice otu there and everyone in WTW is nice and sweet. We also have a thing tommorow at southeast middle. Now I gtg do hw. Hopefully ttyl

The Song Got Me Again(works everytime)

2005-02-03T16:20:00.000-05:00

Mood-Summery

"You just popped in the Kanye West
Get right for the summer workout tape
And ladies if you follow these instructions exactly
you might bear to pull you a rapper, a NBA player
Man, at least a dude wit' a car
So first of all we gon' work on the stomach
Nobody wants a little tight ass!"

That song does it everytime. I swear since I heard it my winter rainy day mood just changed to coming back from the pool after running through a thunderstorm mood. I'm so happy now its freaky. I've been so bummed the last few days but now its like I've been reset back to like last year. It's Crazy. I have this feeling I'm gonna go play DDR with cat n' all them and then watch scary movies. Definently needed a mental health day. Second day I've missed this year XP Oh fuck you damn perfect attendance. If I gotta keep acting like a damn happy-go-lucky psycho at school then I will shoot myself. And I have verbal blogs for the 1st and 31st since I have had no time to write a blog cause I'm either reading Mien Kampf or makign things for Spirix. I got the male "wife-beater" shirts and female camis done. And female pants which kinda look like hoochie pants. I'll tweak them before I send them. I wonder if he wants me to stop giving him graphics because he hasn't responded or anything to the shirts or the hair which is a little drab I'll admit. But I said he didn't have to use it. Oh well I'll just continue playing with pants.

And I will be posting those verbal blogs too. But heres the good news. I know I've said this a hell of alot. But I finally had a good cry and decided I would leave john alone. Abbey is a good gal. Couldn't ask for a better person. I hope they are happy cause I can see them going out for a long time but he needs recovery time over trina from what I heard. Totaly understand on that. So I think I'm over him otherwise my summer mindsets screwing with me again. Can't know till tommorow but I found my happy hyper music again. YAY!!!! Gotta make a sumemr playlist thought considering the weather I gotta say it's crazy that i'm thinking liek this. I'll go running later. hope the ice patches melt XD

Hustler Gangsters ballers hollers. I LOVE THAT FREAKING SONG!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY. Sorry really hyper happy now. I swear I'm bouncing. And the Chourus rooms open. The new one. It is so freaking awsome cept there are all these nazi things on the walls. A wee bit freaky. And I've been going to bed early too. Swear Its another dimension i 've stumbled into. And I've been wearing pigtails all week. Pigtails week! And tommorow I'm going my DDR Video Gamer Pigtails. either all the way or hallf up half down. It'll be perfect for a freedom hairstyle. I'm Gleeful. This is So Freaking Crazy. Gleeeeeeeeeeeeee lol Course in "You Don't Know Me" He was talkign bout glee and how he doesn't have it and stuff and if you do have it you should wave it around but hide it and keep it to yourself. I think everyone needs to feel gleeful. Not first snwo gleeful or summer gleeful. I mean the feeling you get from coming out of the dumps you've been in and being full of happiness and freedom glee. Like when your bored in the summer and you drive down a long street and the sky is golden while your listening to happy music glee type deal. That pure feeling of bliss and joy. More people need that.

The last times I remeber having that feeling was when I was in the Abaco Islands and we were in a dingy traveling back to the boat from the harbor and the sun was setting. The water was golden and the beach houses were silouted gold while the sky was red and pink. Its was gorgeous. Then the next day when we were sailing and I looked down and could see strait to the bottom and there were all these gorgeous fish and plants. Another time was I don't really remeber where I was or when it was but I was watching John, Matt, and Jay warming up and the sunwas going down. It was still summerish and just watching them play while the sun was going down. It was great. I don't thin kthey knew I was there though.

Its so weird I just feel like its summer now and I'm gonna clean my room then go running. So weird so weird so weird. But I'm gleefully happy. Later Folks.

A Peek Into The Secretly Sane One's Life

-post lj 6-Mindless Ramble of Life #3

-post lj 5Mindless Ramble on Life #2-

-post lj 4-Random Ramble on Drivers #1

-post lj 3-Rambles on Cannibals! er...#1(and hopefully only 1)

-lj post 2-

I don't Mind The Sun Sometimes

-switched lj-

Moose Tracks

No lyrics today..

stuck in a hole with a shovel

Well this Sucks

Smellerific Smells

The mean little people are such a bore

In nobody's eyes but Mine

Tired....personally really tired

Why?

Don't be shy

Elitism and Death wow

Cows dre

Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit!!!

Happy Thanksgiving

"But I don't feel safe

It's been while

FUCK YOU AOL...mmmm..hot cocoa...doesn't fix everything

Hot Chocoa

No Mrs. Bailey today and I am rejuvenated!!

Time flies when you hover in a dream state ^_^

Tasting coldness in the air...its coming, its true I swear!

Long Time I know..so kick me..busy busy

Dust in the Wind, All we are is dust in the wind

Icky...bad feelings. XP

Sing like you think no one listening...

You would kill for this, just a little bit

Carol of the Meows

How do measure a year in life

R.I.P. Lilly

I'm off to see the wizard!

The 130th post!

20 days later...totaly different state of mind

Welcome to Wonderful Cold(yeah right) Connecticut!

Gone for a bit

Quizzeh

Happy Fathers Day to those of you who celebrate it!

No Swiming...Smores?

Something Wicked This Way Comes!

"And I am not ashamed!"

Keep Maintaining your Innocence Soldier!

Somewhere Lightning is Striking

Sorry

Last monday of school year

RAGRH

Adrian, come out and play

I know, I know...Happy Birthday

XP Damn Bitches

Meh...[enter random title here]

A Bad Synposis

Electric Fires=Shineh Bad Stuff

Sunny Days and Pancakes

"And the Rest is Just Gone"

Yay for reflexes?

Shake it up, Shake it up!

~Now Show Me Something Pretty~

Damn You Phone!!!

Talking!

I am making hamburgers yes I am. But they arn't made with real ham. XD

[Rant]I hate being human sometimes <(v.v)>

The're Everywhere! The're Everywhere!

Guys really are another species, I swear

The Opposite of Inspiration is Expiration?

You are Worth The Wait!

Sleepwalking, Yes I'm sleepwalking

Eggs and Social Bunnies

Damn Bitches!

Tornado's, Dreams, Sims and Weirdness-Coverage of the Last Few Days

Just in case

Dratted Scanner!!*gets her rubber duck army to attack it*

Vampire Books Rock

No Dice, No Rain, Two Books, Two Movies

Cursed, Scars, The Ring and the Cult thats growing

Dratted Scanner!!gets her rubber duck army to attack it